When should my new love meet my children?

Question

At what point do you introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child from a previous relationship? I’m currently in a similar dilemma. I want my boyfriend to feel welcome by my children, but at the same time, I don’t want to alienate my children.

Answer

The issue of introducing your lover to your children, in and of itself, has the potential of making you go wild with apprehension. It is very thoughtful of you to have stopped and contemplated about this critical aspect of building long-lasting and harmonious relationships.

Many people in your position just proceed and bring the partner to the house to the dismay of the children. You demonstrate your ability to see the bigger picture in blended relationships, and you are careful to initiate the building of foundations which will last and encompass the needs of all involved.

Before you introduce your mate to your children, you should make sure that you and your children have healed from losing a previous relationship. What happened? Did you lose your partner to separation, divorce or death? Each of these experiences leaves individuals hurt or even traumatised. Hence, the experience should be well processed before getting to the next step.

Therapists are critical here in helping you and your children deal with critical the loss you went through. If you have not exhaustively dealt with the loss, you may be getting into a rebound. Clinical studies have established that rebound relationships rarely turn out well due to unprocessed emotional hang-ups.

As your relationship with the new partner develops, make sure you still give plenty quality of time to your children, all the time you can. It is easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, hence guarantee you do not do it at the expense of your children.

Wait until the honeymoon phase is over

You rightly ask. “At what point do you introduce a lover to your children from your previous relationship?” It is best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Equally, give your relationship time to reach stability, where you and your new partner are comfortable with each other. Indeed, wait until the “honeymoon phase” is over, or at least less intense.

While it is normal to seek solace, companionship and a sexual relationship after separation, divorce or death of a spouse, it is crucial then to take it slow so that you can assess whether this relationship meets your needs and those of the children. Ask yourself if your new love interest is a good fit for your family. After all, you might have great chemistry with someone, but he/she might not be best suited to be a capable step-parent or live-in partner.

What usually happens is that you date several people before finding a compatible relationship. Thus, do not introduce your children to every passing lover. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you are developing a serious, stable relationship, they may resist him/her due to mistrust. This rejection of your lover by your children may frustrate you, but that would mean your children are not sure the decision is right or you may not have adequately prepared them for this significant relationship.

Tips for introducing your new partner to your children

You mentioned you would not want to alienate your children, and equally you would like them to accept your new partner. I admire your wisdom in taking that position. Hence:

Make sure your children have healed from the lost relationship with their other parent. The best way to ascertain this is by taking them for counselling assessment with a licensed therapist.

Talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone whom you care about and that you would like to introduce them to her/him. Respond to any questions and concerns they may have.

The first meeting should be casual without rushing to introduce your new mate prematurely. Back home, get feedback from your children what they think about your new find and whether they have concerns if the person became your life partner and their step-parent.

Assure your children that your new partner will not replace the lost parent. Their other biological parent was/is vital in their own right.

Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. Just because you are enthralled with this person, does not mean that they too have to be enthusiastic.

If they are accepting the new partner, remind them building strong, loyal relationships take time and commitment.

Prof Catherine Gachutha, PhD, is the director, Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo). Email [email protected]