My husband and house help share intimate conversations

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

In your opinion, is it okay for a husband to engage in endless discussions with the house help on personal matters, including using codes when the wife is present? They also share personal issues.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your problem, but the details are too scanty for me to offer an informed opinion. However, I can provide a general view on the matter at hand based on certain assumptions.

I assume your husband’s discussions with your house help bother you. I guess that they use codes to lock you out of their conversations when you are present. Your husband and the house help are not related, I assume.

The general rules that work well and have helped many partners in relationships build a healthy relational environment include the following:

First, relationships require honour and respect. Integrity and decency is built where spouses think of others better than themselves. Holding each other in high esteem calls for a show of concern that will help build trust and true fellowship.

This means that we cannot hide things from each other or speak with disrespect before each other. I sense a lack of respect for your husband to ignore your feelings while relating with the house worker. This will make the work despise you in their presence or absence.

Second, relationships require clear boundaries. For example, what boundaries have you put in place when relating to a person of the opposite sex, not your spouse or relative? Where there are no boundaries, people have a right to walk anywhere, even if it means trespassing. Sadly, these boundary lines are in mind for most couples but not shared out and jointly owned.

Finally, great relationship value effective communication. Look at this issue not from what things he has not done but from an angle of goal setting and ways of prioritising each other and the family. If you expect from your relationships what you have not communicated will end up in disappointment.

My question is whether you have any areas of agreement or commonality— this what will keep both of you in the sink. There will be plenty to occupy both of you instead of feeling sidelined. I suggest that you engage him in these areas and see if you can refocus the marriage.

Don’t let your househelp get the upper hand by having more in common with your hubby than you do. Make an effort to re-establish respect, communication and shared understanding.

We have a son, but I don’t love her

Hi, I am Job. I have a girlfriend who loves me so much, but I don’t love her back. But anytime I see her chatting with another man, I feel jealous. We have a son together. Her parents say our son can’t be named from my side unless I marry her. What do I do? I am confused.

Hi,

What I hear from you is that you have a child with a lady you are no longer in love with. If you feel that you should not have been involved in this relationship where you now have a child, you need to sort yourself out first. Decide what you will do with your son if this relationship ends.

The next step you will need to handle is to disconnect from her emotionally since she is no longer your lover. Try and build a new relationship with her as the mother of your child. In addition, you have to accept the fact that the moment you decide that she is no longer a part of your life, you will stop having any right to dictate who she relates with, where and how.

She now will have the right to move on with her life the way she sees fit. You will need to come to terms with the fact that her new lovers may have access to your son. Your biggest hurdle will be how you will handle such new friends in her life— if she is the one with the custody of your son?

Finally, your jealousy towards a girl with whom you are no longer in love is something you need to work on. As much as you share a child, you have to agree that she has her rights unless you change your resolve.

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