One cannot underrate the power of unresolved conflict.
My wife and I married in church 10 years ago. I recently discovered that she has been cheating on me with my next-door neighbour who is a married man. I feel heartbroken and confused because I can’t believe she could do this to me.
Although she confessed to having an affair, she is not repentant and has repeatedly slept with two other close male friends. She claims that our sex life is boring.
We have a 9-year-old daughter who she conceived with another man just one year into the marriage. She didn’t hide this from me and I accepted the child as my daughter.
Since the repeat affair, our marriage is not in a good place. I work away from home and I can’t imagine what she does in my absence. I feel she is living a lie while I work so hard to put food on the table and educate our daughter.
We have been unable to get another child. I love her dearly but I don’t think I can continue.
Hi
Looking at the cycle of cheating in your marriage, it is bound to cause conflicts that would continuously hurt the relationship. One cannot underrate the power of unresolved conflict and that is why you feel confused, hurt and distant from her.
This is complicated further by the fact that you live and work away from your marital home. The fact that you live in a different town from your wife has exposed the fragile relationship to more mishaps. If your intention is to seek healing, intimacy can only be cultivated through closeness and proximity. These two factors are essential elements for healing and restoration.
You have a daughter in this marriage although not your biological daughter. Over the years, she has seen you as her father. From where she stands, you are a strong pillar in this life as far as her maturing is concerned.
What matters is whether you are able to offer the much needed support emotionally despite the current issues affecting your marriage. My prayer is that you don’t destroy an innocent young life just because of an unrepentant mother.
Approach the future with care doing all you can to safeguard any negativity spilling over to the little girl. I am glad you see her as your own daughter.
I am afraid that her refusal to change may continue to be a source of pain and hurt for you. What must be understood is that, change is a personal agenda and decision that sorely lies with an individual.
Lasting solution
If your talk has not yielded fruit, then you need to re-evaluate whether you are being heard. For her to continue falling into the same sin is not healthy for the marriage.
My question is whether you tried to involve parents from both sides, your pastor or professional counselor. If you haven’t, this may be the time.
That said, I do understand your dilemma — particularly when it comes to your in-law’s reaction. There is need for their attitude to be confronted maturely and with wisdom particularly where there is such clear evidence on her failure.
I agree that, when in-laws involve themselves in the relationship of their children, it can complicate how the young couple relates. Your wife’s reaction is testimony to this fact. Although you love your wife dearly, this may not be enough to bring the much needed change.
I suggest that you move with speed to finding a lasting solution. For example, since forgiveness is a personal choice you have to make, she has the moral duty to show responsible behaviour in return.
First, forgiveness helps the offender and offended relieve their burden of past baggage. Second, forgiveness provides a clear path for the couple to make wise choices for their future regardless of their challenges.
Inner healing
When allowed, baggage has a way of hindering, retarding, or clouding the attainment of path to a new future.
Your future will depend on your ability to see whether you have done enough to help her change, while remembering that changing your spouse is one thing you cannot do.
In addition, could your inability to get your own children be a contributor to her behaviour? In some cases, anxiety and the fact that you stay away from home for extended periods of time can affect your intimacy.
My prayer is that: first, you determine what both of you want. Second, determine whether there is need to involve a counsellor. Third, determine whether both of you are willing to pay the price of this change.
Finally, your inner healing is essential to the way you approach this issue. As much as you love her dearly, this has not been enough to change her approach to marriage life.
If she is willing, there may be need for her to see a Christian/professional counsellor. It may also be important to think about finding a job nearer home. I must commend you for your patience and love for your daughter.
All the best.
