My wife has chosen her new job over our 8-year marriage

Hello Kitoto, 

I am a father of two and have been married for eight years. I have been providing for my family to the best of my ability. My wife and I co-own a business, but she woke up one day and told me she would no longer be coming to work unless I put her on a salary. She said she wanted to make her own money but asked for much more money than the business could sustain, so I allowed her to open a supplies business. Shortly after this, she told me she found employment. She knows how much I don’t like the idea of employment. I have always wanted my family to depend on business, but she was adamant.

I sought the intervention of a friend, and when my wife was asked to choose between the job and marriage, she chose the job.

Should I let her go because she chose the job over me?

Hi,

You have made a tremendous effort in trying to make things work for you and your wife financially, and that’s commendable. Disagreements over finances can ruin relationships.

Without money, many feel powerless, sad, depressed, and lack the drive in life as they choose to beg or even use desperate methods to make ends meet. In some relationships, some lie, compromise and cheat. Because of this, the lack of money is leaving many others hurting, wounded and feeling betrayed.

The fundamental issue in your situation would be, “What defines a person or a marriage?” “What gives us identity?” If this question is answered, then we would have a lot of clarity. Of course, money is essential in life, but it should not control us or how we live life. I am an advocate of contentment and living within our means.

The truth about life hinges in the knowledge that: Our lives are not our own. Therefore, down here, we are living on borrowed time. As such, when it comes to families and relationships, when we stop caring, we stop living. I, therefore, can see your dilemma. Your perspective is that, since your wife has chosen to be employed instead of doing her own business against your advice, she has chosen money over your marriage. As much as this could be true, you have to consider her feelings and driving motive.

The two of you have been together for over eight years. During this time, she had been identified as a homestay mum who has tried out business or stayed home and been paid as she cares for the children. I could like you to consider the following: Does your wife have any training, career path, or talent in doing certain jobs? If this is so, this is what makes some spouses feel disfranchised, empty and unfulfilled. Somehow they want to feel productive and useful in there are of calling.

I must also admit that her progression from having her own business to finally seeking employment needs to be understood in context before you judge her harshly. Was the business doing well? Was she getting frustrated in the business? Asking such questions will help you assist her to make the necessary transitions. It could just be that; she feels like employment will bring the best out of her.

Look for a way to talk and explore her idea of seeking employment instead of just getting in the way. I suggest the following to help you move this discussion on the right path:

Seek a common agenda on money: In marriage, a shared ideology on money helps remove suspicions and unnecessary panic. Have a joint approach on how the relationship and family will be financed.

Encourage each other’s passion in life: Your spouse has a talent that could stay unused for years. Engaging each other on what we are good at helps place each other on a trajectory of growth. We kill a relationship when we choose a path of dictating to each other what we think they should do. Listening to each other’s concerns and fears help to create harmony.

Seek to protect the marriage from outer influences: I am not ignorant of external voices that constantly speak into our marriages. Some of these voices are great, while others need to be ignored. The danger comes if your wife’s choice to seek employment is coming from other voices outside of herself or from her friends who care little about marriage.

Finally, you have to understand what marriage is if you are going to appreciate what the two of you have together. First, look at marriage as a devotion to your partner. You must be devoted to her in all ways. You have to test and approve what is perfect and is going to last. Also, you have to embrace level-headedness in our approach to issues. Second, marriage is built on sound reason. Your partner may need help to deal with all she is going through in her career path. Your discussion must be founded on a sound knowledge of what will work and what will not work for both of you. Don’t be led by falsehoods, personal insecurities and a desire to limit each other.

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My wife uses sex to punish me

Dear Bishop,

I have been married for 22 years now, and both of us are Christians. My wife has been using sex to punish me every time we have a disagreement. I have reached a point where I am thinking of getting another woman to meet my sexual needs. However, I’m held back by my Christian beliefs. I’m very stressed about it.

Kindly advice.

Hi,

Our faith plays a significant part in the values we hold and live by. Being a Godly young man, I seem to see a lack of spiritual maturity in the way you are approaching and resolving issues. The fact that your wife has chosen sex as a weapon does not mean you should follow suit. Maturity demands that you look for ways to identify the issues that you fight about and seek to resolve them. For example, what happens when you expressed to her your concerns about the relationship? Is she away that her path is leading to further confrontations? As far as you are concerned, do you realise that cheating will lead to further hurt in the marriage? Separation does not mean that you have matured in the way you resolve issues when they occur in the relationship.

The values each spouse stands for are only meaningful when those in a relationship practice them. For most relationships, we have this assumption that things will change with time. But later, it turns out that, as we progress in the relationship without fully resolving the initial uncomfortable issues, we invite further dissatisfaction. The faithfulness to your intimate life together will not materialise if you fail to follow through. I have a feeling that you want a marriage where the two of you are committed to honesty and trust in building an intimate union. Although your view is that your values are stopping you from finding another woman, I see a man who is slowly working out his plan of exit.

It would help if you had another a higher level of disclosure and openness between the two of you. If she is unwilling to move on this road, you may need to seek help from a counsellor where the two of you can speak face to face with a third party. Therefore, it is essential to grow with one another and to be aware of each other’s challenges. Although a physical act, sex is as much emotionally intimate as it is physically rich. Realising that sex is first in the mind before it turns physical, will help us not use comparison based on current and past events. It appears that your conflict management—both current and past has continued to affect your emotional intimacy. When unresolved issues remain impregnated in mind, this will affect a couple’s intimacy. For women, the state of mind at that moment in the relationship is key to her delivery in sexual matters. They need to feel loved, appreciated and affirmed is part of a woman’s journey to intimacy.

Since the mind plays an important part, the question is to whether her holding back is coming from a past of unresolved issues. Remembrance of past abuse can cause trauma that will affect intimacy due to fear associated with that abuse. The idea here is to involve authentic communication in your journey. Full and open disclosure on whether any issues in the past cause her to behave the way she does.

If her non-responsiveness is associated with any fear emanating from present pain in marriage, this could make sex unattractive. To bring back mutually satisfying sexual intimacy, I would suggest that, you and your wife take time to talk through he experiences and see whether there are any pain or fears associated with it. Keeping off or looking for someone else seems a good idea but reveals a much bigger problem that relates to your view of sex in a marriage. I suggest that you never give up but involve God and your wife in a journey of finding answers together.

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