My pregnant ex-girlfriend now wants nothing to do with me

Dear Pastor Kitoto,  

I am in a love dilemma that is stressing me. I was dating this lady since 2017. Early this year, in March, she told me that her best friend, who happened to know me, had told her that I was having an affair with another girl, which was untrue. A month later, she said to me that she was pregnant, and didn’t want anything to do with me. However, we still talk but not about love issues. Her “new man” isn’t in good terms with her, despite the pregnancy, as she puts it. Could it be that she cheated on me and mistakenly got pregnant? What do I do on my side?

Your dilemma can be regarded from two perspectives. First, this lady could have engaged in extra-marital affairs and became pregnant due to frustration in the relationship you had with her. This can be deduced from the complaint that you were dating someone behind her back.

Second, the lady in question may be using the pregnancy as an excuse to terminate the relationship the two of you had. When it comes to her pregnancy, it is this lady who knows the father to the unborn child. You have to understand that a relationship is about two people who desire to build a future together.

That said, you may not do much in changing her mind. The relevant question to ask is whether you still see a future with her. If so, does she feel the same regardless of what you have been through in your relationship? The two of you must have faith and reason enough to make you fight for the future that you believe still exists for the two of you. Currently, it appears like your ex has made up her mind on what she wants. If you do not have enough reasons to convince her to change her mind, then let her go.

It is essential to address what you term as untrue allegation regarding your extra-marital affairs. This is for the simple reason that unclear and unresolved issues can make a relationship stagnate, or end all the same. Knowing this fact is essential and will help you focus on finding out whether there are other issues that make your relationship difficult. Also, you may need to put the pregnancy into perspective. How does this play into the future of your relationship? As things stand, it may appear like you seem to be in the dark as to who the father is.

My advice is that, since you are still in talking terms, you may need to address the following: First, you need to figure out if her anger towards you is what made her leave. If there are issues that led to her decision, then the two of you can put up a plan on how to deal with the problems. Second, if there are irreconcilable issues that made her decide part ways with you, then let her move on.

Signs that sex is controlling you

Sex plays a significant role in marriage. It is physical but also part of an emotionally intimate relationship. The need to feel loved, appreciated and affirmed is part of that intimacy. Since the mind plays an important role, the question is to whether specific behaviour we notice in marriage stem from a past event of abuse.

Events involving past abuses can be traumatising and may affect intimacy. This makes it crucial for spouses and families to make disclosure part of their relational life. Full and open disclosure on whether any issues in the past evoke fear or memories of abuse is essential. Be able to sort out hurts related to the previous relationship that left bad memories like fear, or desire to manipulate others to deal with one’s pain, as that could lead to hurting other people—even those you love.

To get to understand irrational sexual behaviours that lead to a lack of mutually satisfying intimacy, it will require that a couple takes time to talk through current and past experiences and see whether there are any fears associated with it. I suggest that a couple never give up talking intimate issues that pressurise them.

When sex is wrongly used to the benefit of one and not necessarily both in the relationship, it starts to corrupt their journey of intimacy. As a result, some partners find sex less meaningful. While some people may be considered “sex addicts,” others have developed irresponsible sexual behaviour and suffer from uncontrollable sexual impulses. When adults are unable to control their sexual drive, it can easily lead to abuses in the home that could hurt their partners or even children.

Addictive sexual behaviour could develop from abusing stimulants, porn addiction, or out of abuse that happened in the past. When we become aware that such addiction is taking root, it is important to seek help. It is reported that there is an increasing number of minors that are facing sexual abuse from those close to them. Such abuse has been known to last many months or years where minors live in fear of their abuser. As a pastor and counsellor, I have heard about many of these cases that go unreported to the authorities, and evidence is lost due to fear of repercussions, or a decision made by one partner to protect their spouse from prosecution.

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Help me be a good parent to teens in my care

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I’m a middle-aged Christian man, and I’m a guardian to three children; one boy and two girls. They are in their teens. During our times, we were closely monitored and thoroughly punished to stay disciplined. Now that time is over. Today’s teenagers are more informed and require more guidance than ever before.

I’m concerned that children in this generation require maximum attention and love. I wish to break the ice and tell them about many things that are happening in the world regarding relationships, and how to relate to the members of the opposite gender.

Please help me identify ways I can address these issues to them, and how I can prompt them to open up on what they are facing as they grow up.

Thank you.

Hi,

The members of iGens or Generation Z include all those born between 1995 and 2015. This is the generation that grew up with smart technology. They were entertained, taught, and parented using the internet more than any other generation. Digital media influence has also put this generation at risk. Also, urbanisation and mobility have caused the social fabric that supported these families to disintegrate. Additionally, their parents have mostly been absent due to long working hours.

It is said that since modern teens are tech-savvy and internet-oriented, they are likely to focus their relationships around social media. The outcome is a generation controlled by ‘external influencers’ from a very young age. For the peace of mind and the desire to avoid many questions at home from their children, parents have abandoned them to the tablet and the phone. If you want to prove this, look at how family members get engrossed to their computers and phones whenever they come together. The strategy in parenting this generation must, therefore, be a deliberate and intentional effort by parents. The following are tips you can follow to improve your parenting skills:

Be friends with your children

Parents must create time from their busy schedule to spend with family from their young age. As parents, we should not appear to be strangers in the lives of our children. Spending time to do creative stuff together helps to build trust. Unhealthy and dysfunctional parent-teen friendships cause the teen to seek affirmation from the wrong sources. Affirmation, as opposed to constant criticism, is key to any growing teen. Their identity is crafted through regular teaching and affirmation.

Model the character you desire to see

Integrity and character are better grasped than taught. Our walk authenticates our talk. Hence, it is crucial to examine and model your values and beliefs to ensure that they align with your practices. Respect and you can only be demanded where such respect and honour are modelled.

Be a good teacher

First, great teen coaches correct by asking the right questions. In addition, establishing a healthy learning environment is important. We must avoid threatening, shouting at and intimidating our teenage children. For example, rather than saying to your teenage kid, “You’re going to be a failure if continue hanging around those boys,” try and ask, “I have not seen Michael lately. What is up with him?” This could give you an opportunity to hear about his friends before you advise him.

Learn to be a good listener

The trouble with most parents and guardians is the lack of listening skills. When you listen to the teens, you will get to understand their language and the intended meaning. Many parents make a mistake of condemning the language of teenagers without taking time to understand the intentions in the communication being made.

You need to pay attention to both their verbal and non-verbal cues if you are to understand their sub-culture. Teens connect well with those who are supportive, open-minded, and seek to meet them at their level.

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