My wife's too busy for sex

Hi Kitoto,

I am 55 years old, and my wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. We are God-fearing and have three children. I believe that the gift of sex from God was for pleasure and maybe children if you are lucky to get them.

My wife does not enjoy sex, to the extent that she does not initiate it, she is too busy with church, friends and chamas. Since I am the one who always makes sexual advances, at times I feel guilty when seeking intimacy, I feel like I am inviting sin into our home.

Although we have talked about this challenge many times, nothing has changed.

I feel an avenue for temptation is been opened, and I really don’t know what to do. As much as I love my wife, I don’t know for how long I can control myself.

Every individual, and by extension the relationship, subscribes to some value system and beliefs about self and God. You and your wife appear to be in a relationship that seems committed, but there is this one challenge that threatens its stability.

It is true that God created marriage and gave it the gift of sex, which is supposed to be a blessing to be enjoyed by husband and wife.

In marriage, sex is pleasurable and mutually beneficial to the couple. As believers, I would like to remind you of the words of Apostle Paul who states, “But since sexual sin is happening, each man should sleep with his own wife. And each woman should sleep with her own husband. A husband should satisfy his wife’s needs. And a wife should satisfy her husband’s needs.” He continues to state that, “The wife’s body does not belong only to her. It also belongs to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong only to him. It also belongs to his wife.”

No one could put it any better. Marriage is an intimate union to be enjoyed by a couple. It is important for you and your wife to be of this view. Both of you need to look for ways to enjoy not only the pleasure, but the bonding that sexual intimacy brings.

However, remaining faithful and learning to cultivate the kind of intimacy that will be enjoyed by you is yours for the taking. Godly values will help give your marriage its character, particularly where such values are lived out and modelled by a couple. Compromise is not one of the values you need to adopt. God values the intimacy and faithfulness in a relationship.

The temptation to yield to actions that would hurt you, your partner and children will only add fuel to the fire. What you need is greater trust and fellowship that will help grow the romance that you desire, and no, it is not just you who should initiate intimacy, your wife should too.

As a God-fearing man, let me direct you to a book of the Song of Songs. Sadly for your case, it is your wife’s intimacy with God and service to him that is making you unable to reach her.

I guess the question to ask here is, and one I hope will provide the solution you seek is: “What makes intimacy and romance thrive in a relationship?”