My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we are blessed with two sons. I love my family. Some time back, our offices were being repainted and I chose to work from home.
During this time, my wife began accusing me of sleeping with our house help, a relative of hers. I have tried to convince her that nothing happened between me and the girl but she is adamant to date.
Since then, our marriage has deteriorated. She cut off communication and we have extended periods of silent treatment. She has become distant and nothing I do or say seems to be working. How do I win back her trust? The silence is killing me, and all this is because of a false accusation!
Before I attempt to answer your question, what really is a false accusation? I ask this because what you may see as a false accusation could be a reality for your wife depending on the source of her information.
The problem here is that the one who propagated this to her was her relative. If the bond and trust there is strong, making her believe otherwise will be a challenge.
If indeed you were never involved with help, the question one would ask is whether your actions and behaviour around your wife made her think you are guilty. Or was the house help jealous of your marriage and wanted it to end for her own selfish reasons? Whatever the case, dealing with false allegations where one partner is sold out to the lie can be a delicate issue.
That said, your wife’s accusations about the alleged affair should not be dismissed or seen as a small thing. You will need to look for every avenue to restart the conversation with your wife. Denial all the time will just make things worse. Let me suggest a few ideas: First, whenever you start a discussion on this issue, don’t start with denying the accusation. Of course, you know the truth—that it never happened.
But try and at least understand where she is coming from and why she would think that you are guilty. Were any perceived ideas, from your wife’s view that something was not quite right between you and the house girl? If so, this must have reinforced her view.
Generally, accusations don’t just happen. Try to reach out to her and find out why she feels strongly that there was an affair. What are the specifics? Is it the amount of time you spent at home when she was away at work? Restarting the communication is better so that you can get to the bottom of why she would feel this way.
Second, admit segments of her perception seem to make sense. Affirming her feelings is not pleading guilty to the accusation. For example, if working from home bothered your wife and made her believe something was up, then admit it. This will give you a chance to explain your part. Because this is how she sees the events, denial only worsens her feelings.
Third, come up with a joint remedy plan. Determine a clear path for dealing with the murky areas. Don’t give up easily. Stick close to the children and be their hope in this tough time. I believe you can heal. Somehow, when trust is on the test, the two of you must work together to rebuild it.
Let me end by saying that, lies and falsehoods can devastate one’s mental health. It is, therefore, important to find out how this issue has affected her emotionally and psychologically. Many counsellors agree that accusations or an affair can significantly damage someone's self-esteem and confidence. Evaluating her current actions and behaviours can reveal a lot.
Does she appear depressed, anxious or overwhelmed and powerless in life issues where they once were more aggressive? If she initially loved and trusted you deeply, the feelings of worthlessness that arise can make her feel like she was not good enough for you. This is what can lead to a partner isolating themselves and feeling hopelessness.
