Pastor, have you abandoned your counsellor lens in addressing problems?

Dear Pastor

I refer to your advice to the woman who wrote to you alleging that her husband made her change her religion after marriage. The letter contained several issues, with the main one being that her husband forced her to attend Catholic mass yet she would have preferred the PCEA service. I got the impression that the other issues she has raised are offshoots of the above problem.

 I am concerned that you seem to have abandoned your role as a counsellor first. Instead, you addressed her issues from the lens of a pastor who is more concerned with denominational issues rather than promoting harmony in a marriage. These are my reasons;

First, you ignored the fact that before she got married, they discussed which church to follow with the husband, and she agreed to his religion. What made her change her mind soon after?

Second, the couple has been married for about a year. This is a short time. The first year of marriage is also the most challenging after the excitement of infatuation has died out, and each party starts to rediscover their identity. This invariably results in conflict and, in extreme cases, disillusionment. As a counsellor, I expected you would advise her to exercise patience and avoid stirring conflicts. You should have pointed out that she is lucky that their conflict is over denominations. In many young couples, religion does not feature. She should give herself time before deciding that she cannot become a Catholic.

The third issue (which made me question your advice most) is some suggestions about charismatic Catholic churches! Where does this come in? My reading is that the man belongs to the Roman Catholic Church. The lady belongs to PCEA. Instead of offering advice on how the two can accommodate one another, you introduced churches whose practices are far removed from PCEA and Roman Catholic Church. The suggested churches by yourself are in the evangelical wing of Christianity where your church belongs to. It seems you are more concerned with recruiting membership rather than saving a young marriage.

Hi,

Thank you for writing in and for the concerns you have raised. First, in every career, each individual approaches issues differently while adhering to the ethics and principles of the profession they serve. No two counsellors can be the same. Although every individual is unique in approaching and handling an issue, I appreciate your perspective. 

Your viewpoint is that I seem to have abandoned my role as a counsellor first. Instead, I addressed her problems from the lens of a pastor who is more concerned with denominational issues rather than promoting harmony in a marriage.

You feel that I ignored the fact that they had discussed which church to follow before they married, and she agreed. However, if you look carefully at her concerns, she sheds some light on the helpful issue. Her take is that because the husband easily gets annoyed, she ends up succumbing for the sake of the marriage. Of course, one could see this as a weakness while another as a wise way of valuing peace. 

However, her way of resolving issues shows a problem in their communication style, which I pointed out. She also tells us that they talked about us getting a neutral church, but the husband insisted on his church. The issue here is whether the husband is trying to control and impose his decision as to the only one. We also see a woman who chooses not to push her point to avoid conflict.

People’s beliefs and how they pay homage are part of who they are. Since their conflict is majorly centred on how they went about their faith-related issues, it required one to look at the issue from a faith and church angle Therefore, the future of their relationship requires a resolution to these spiritual matters. This put on the spot their style of conflict management and how it could be enhanced. I mentioned that their style lacked a listening culture and an understanding of the complexities involved in dealing with emotive issues like faith.

In marriage, our perception of our spouse and the expectations we have concerning them will impact the agreements we make and how we resolve differences that emerge.

A lot to celebrate

I agree with you that there is a lot to celebrate and build on. So, I encouraged them to ensure that their dialogue centres on what is important. For example: “What is making them different and why?” My other question to her was, “What will it take to redirect her focus from the current to what could be considered as more productive and important priorities?” Since their relationship failed to promote a listening culture, they were most likely going to miss out on the good in the relationship. I have absolutely no interest in recruiting them from one church to another.

My interest, therefore, was centred on how they can reconnect and build principles that will strengthen their bond. My advice was that she: takes time and considers the strengths in the relationship, and gives each other the benefit of the doubt on the matter at hand. 

In itself, this is being patient with each other. Secondly, although going to church is important, there is a need to prioritise and build a common approach in marriage with respect and honour. Although I am a Christian counsellor, it would be wrong to use this column to recruit members for any church or organisation. Thank you for writing.

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