One of the scariest parenting moments is when your child expresses suicidal thoughts or behaviours.
“People have a bias that children can’t think that way. They also think that it is only children of the wealthy who can be suicidal,” says Mary Gitau, the executive director Centre for Suicide Research and Intervention in Nairobi, “but children, even from poor backgrounds, are having suicidal thoughts. The fact is, we need to start recognising this as a serious problem.”
The number of children and teenagers who need suicide prevention care has been on the rise and spiked during the modern parenting era and harsh economic times. However, not much is understood about raising a child, some as young as nine, who expresses dark thoughts.
Therapists say it is important to first understand that in children, a suicidal thought can stem from a tantrum, bullying, sexual abuse or loneliness.
“Our children today have gotten sadder, more anxious, and lonely,” says Ms Gitau who has Master’s degrees in counselling psychology and in suicidology.
Mary Gitau, the executive director Centre for Suicide Research and Intervention.
Photo credit: Pool
When suicide happens, it comes as a shock. Some parents feel betrayed, and others get angry or are in denial.
“Children look at it as an instant solution. That it will end the pain they are feeling. Perhaps stop the bullying. Or even save them from watching dad and mom fight every day. Or stop mom or dad from yelling at me,” she says, adding, “children are being pushed to suicide by adult actions.”
Marion Keinamma, a family therapist says suicide or suicidal thoughts are a cry for help.
“Suicide ideation doesn’t just happen on the spot. Children that exhibit suicidal behaviours have been dealing with a lot, perhaps abuse, or feelings of unworthiness because they are unable to meet the high expectations set by their parents. Nannies or other people living in our homes abuse children but parents don’t notice. When the child gets clingy, the parent shoves him off because he seems bothersome. Such a child perceives a parent as uncaring from an early age,” she says.
Marion Keinamma, a family therapist.
Photo credit: Lucy Wanjiru | Nation Media Group
Family problems are a major factor driving deaths by suicide in children. The experts point to four things; absentee parents, a family history of suicide or mental illness, neglectful parenting, and lack of communication.
“We have to start by asking ourselves, what is happening in my home, and my family?” Ms Keinamma who works with children, adolescents and youth says.
Nowadays, the therapist says, parents are unaware of what their children are dealing with.
“Parents rarely spend quality time with their children. Some children say their parents have never had a 30-minute conversation with them. When they talk to them, it’s always an order to ‘do this, do that’ or to criticise. What constant criticism does to a child is it makes them feel ‘I don’t matter, I am unworthy’,” she says.
“We no longer sit at the dining table as a family and ask, ‘How was your day? The child might answer, ‘a boy bullied me’. Then you’ll start a conversation about bullying [one of the causes of suicide in chidren]. But we don’t talk to our children, then we wake up when they’re 13 years old and start asking, ‘why are you quiet?’ You’re a parent but a stranger asking intrusive questions. He will mumble, ‘nothing’, yet he is suffering,” says Ms Gitau, the suicide and self-harm expert.
“What we don’t understand is that children see their parents as heroes. If a parent doesn’t care, a child feels unloved. They’ll think, ‘If my hero doesn’t care about me, then I have no reason to live’,” she says.
Uninvolved parenting is also a big concern. The experts say children can easily discern when parents truly care about what is going on in their lives.
“Nowadays, everybody is on the phone. Parents come from work and start scrolling through their phones, the child who has been eagerly waiting then realises that mummy or daddy is always busy. These children end up being parented by their peers and have no one to help them unpack their emotions,” Ms Keinamma says.
“Yes, we have to look for money to make ends meet, but what benefit will it be if the children finish university and then die by suicide?” she adds.
“Children are being told to toughen up yet emotions are God-given. They suppress the emotions which cause mental problems later on,” she says.
On dealing with emotional outbursts, Ms Gitau advises that if a child throws a tantrum and says she is going to kill herself, do not let her reach the point of banging the door shut and locking herself in.
“Children do not take long to process suicidal thoughts, they can act immediately, especially those under 11 years. They don’t think suicide is final,” she says, “If they get angry, follow them and let them calm down in your presence.”
Do not talk to children as if they are adults, their brains are still developing.
However, some would question how weak today’s children are, that they are easily set off. That the modern-day gentle parenting style may have produced weak children.
The experts refute that today’s children are emotionally weaker, saying broken parents have passed trauma onto their children, making them stressed, depressed, and anxious.
“Some parents have intergenerational trauma. Mental health illnesses may be carried from one generation to the next if it is not addressed. Parents must be aware of their own mental illnesses and seek therapy,” says Ms Keinamma.
The therapists say the solution to taming teen suicides lies in intentional parenting. Families must start creating more opportunities for meaningful interaction.
“To parent intentionally, you have to get involved in what your children like, take a walk with them, show them how to sweep the house and how you like things done, eat together, find out how they are doing, support them in every way and help them overcome day-to-day challenges. Build a close relationship with your children by explaining things to them instead of abusing them physically and/or emotionally,” the family therapist says.
To parents who have children who self-harm or have threatened to self-harm, it becomes a life of tiptoeing and constant worry. You fear when he or she locks the door, keeps quiet for too long, or even refuses to eat.
“Don't panic, don't respond aggressively, don't dismiss or remain passive. Don't affirm the message. In parenting them, sometimes you can make things worse by just focusing on the suicide, instead of the problem. And the problem could be a feeling of rejection or a dysfunctional family. Deal with the root cause to save them,” Ms Gitau says.
To help your child deal with the root cause, seek therapy, as a family.
“Unfortunately, some cultures still shun family therapy. However, therapy helps immensely. It helps people address their family problems and learn how to relate well with each other.
"We’ve seen some parents tell their children, ‘you want to die just go and die, you won’t be the first one.’ Then the child goes ahead and does it because the words rubber stamp that no one cares about them,” Ms Keinamma says.
