She’s cheated twice, will this relationship work? 

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I have dated this woman for four years without any fights. Last year in November, I discovered that she was sending her photos to another man. We had a confrontation but managed to solve the issue after she promised to cut communications with the man.

A week later, I caught them exchanging romantic texts. This time, our argument was so bad that we stayed apart for three days. Then we reconciled, again after she vowed not to contact the man.

Early this year, I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend saved this man’s contact under a female name. They have been talking and chatting on WhatsApp. She is quite cunning because she blocks him at night when she is at home and unblocks him in the morning. Her phone is often on airplane mode when she gets home from work or with low charge so she charges it overnight.

I decided to ask her about this contact and she had the audacity to tell me that it’s her best friend who had called using her dad’s number. Back when we fought last year, I saved the man’s number so I know she is lying because the number of the so-called best friend matches what I saved.

When I confronted her lying, she began pleading with me saying she was afraid I would get upset if I discovered she was still talking to this man. She told me nothing was going on between them and to prove this, she blocked his number. Two days later, a text pooped on her screen when we were together. This man wanted to know if my girlfriend was planning to sleep early (the previous day she had gone to bed earlier than usual). This text made me realise that they were still chatting.

When I confronted her, she didn’t deny much. She asked for another chance but that I should first give her six months to work on herself. Of course she promised to block the man again.
She went back to her sister’s home a few days ago. Recently, she asked if we could meet and talk. This girl admitted that she has cheated on me twice but complains I overthink issues. She says they are now just friends and I shouldn’t worry because I will only end up hurting myself.

Interestingly, she wants us to continue having sex during the six months’ separation as it will help me wait for her and also heal.
I don’t know what to do Pastor. Apart from this flaw, this woman is amazing. She has stuck with me through thick and thin. Last year, she used to pay my bills because I was down financially. I am now okay and I take care of her bills. Before November, our love was perfect but looking back now, I think she was just manipulating me.

Am I foolish to think this relationship can lead to a happy marriage? Should I walk away from all these red flags? Please advise.

Hi
As far as I am concerned, these are too many red flags to be ignored by anyone. From your narration, everything seems to be going wrong in the way you are relating to each other.

First, after being together for years, your relationship still shows signs of immaturity. Second, there is a lack of honesty in the communication and dealings you have with each other. Third, your girlfriend could be using sexual intimacy to hoodwink you to think that she is really in love with you.

That said, let me mention that cheating is unfortunately a very common practice in relationships today. It is often promoted by media, the fashion industry, and broken down values in society. There are many signs of a cheating spouse. First, is when you spouse shows withdrawal symptom, that is, periods when your spouse is unreachable on phone and comes home late. When they are available in the house, they are distant and distracted.

Second, is being secretive: Lying about things and hiding information from one’s partner is a tell-tale sign of infidelity. When such partners are around people, they tend to be overprotective about their phones. Third, and this can be puzzling, is love-bombing especially with sudden shows of generosity.

Those who cheat, instead of being distant, may become overly affectionate to distract and mislead their partners. This is further compounded by sex. My hope is that you are not using sex as a bench mark for your love for her.

People cheat for various reasons; some it’s because they are unhappy with themselves or their partner, or they have an irresistible and uncontrollable lust driving them. Such spouses are unable to control their sexual urges. Consequently, they often go over and above to maintain their appearances to attract other lovers.

Sadly, when people fall, they will either confess and promise to change or they will be defensive and difficult in authentic disclosure. If your partner becomes overly argumentative or quickly confesses and apologies without showing true remorse and a desire to turn back, then they could be hiding something. The cat and mouse game of confession without a change of conduct could soon lead to conflict. This is where the two of you are. The lying and lack of commitment to change creates an environment of mistrust. Of course, your girlfriend wants to cover the inconsistencies in the relationship by offering to be intimate as a way of avoiding conflict.

If the two of you are in a committed relationship beyond come-we-stay that lack responsible behavior, I would suggest that: First, you evaluate whether this is the woman you want to spend your whole life with. Second, if she does not fit the bill, both of you need to go your separate ways before you wound each other. On the other hand, if you are convinced that she is the one, then meet with a counseling professional for help. You need to build your communication and conflict resolution skills.

Third, I seem to see as a game of cat and mouse that in the end, will not be helpful. Seeking full disclosure in a relationship is not an option but a valued demand each spouse must commit to. No relationship can succeed where spouses are insincere and lack the commitment necessary in growing a solid relationship in this promiscuous and complicated world.

My opinion is that the two of you are insincere in your actions and in making this relationship work. Therefore, it is better if you set each other free. If the status quo is allowed to continue, the cheating will have lasting impact on both of you and the future you may desire to have together.

The feeling or knowledge that your partner is dishonest and is betraying the relationship can have long-term and devastating impact on the quality of the intended relationship. The negative emotional consequences tend to linger and at times in the subconscious—just to be triggered one day by an innocent act later in the relationship. This is what you should avoid. Moving away now will give you time to heal and reflect on what really works for you.

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