Why is he not interested in sexual intimacy?

Hi Pastor Kitoto.

I am a mother of four but separated. Last year, I met a man and we struck a friendship that grew into a relationship. He is mature, 16 years older than me. He divorced his first wife but got a child with another woman.

Pastor, I am a bit puzzled by this man. He has introduced me to a few friends and some family members, which makes me think he is serious about this relationship. However, anytime I try to bring up sex or intimacy, he brushes off the topic. I feel neglected in this area. Could he be having performance anxiety? How do I handle this issue? Do I end the relationship? Please advise.

Hi,

Thanks for reaching out. You are in a situation that many single parents find themselves confronted with. It boils down to how to address the issue of loneliness. This spans from the need to have a companion or a person with whom you can share sexual intimacy. But, for a start, it is important to discover what a meaningful and fulfilling relationship means to you.

Read: Ten ways to make your love life unforgettable

I’m concerned about a few things. First, having been separated and a mother of four, would it be better for you to take time and heal? You must have gone through a lot in your past relationship and taking time to process this will help give you a clear mind to make good decisions for your life.

Second, with four children from a previous relationship, shouldn’t your immediate priority be securing their future and making sure they have all they need to be healthy, happy and emotionally stable?

I am assuming that all the four children live with you. If they do, apart from upkeep, you need money for their education and medical needs. With this in mind, jumping into a relationship simply to satisfy a sexual urge seems like taking a self-destructive path.

Read: Can a married man last for more than seven months without sex?

You and your children have a future to dream about. The question that plays out then is, “What are your priorities?” From where I sit, I see a woman with questionable priorities. Your current decisions lack a carefully thought-through plan. At the same time, you are chasing after another relationship with an agenda that is selfish.

Third, in my observation, this man already has two women in his life. If you are after him for sex, what does he think about you? Is he seeing you as a woman who will do anything to be with a man? In addition, whether the women he currently has are just girlfriends or not, you will become just another statistic. I would suggest that, if any or both of them are his spouse then you are treading on dangerous ground. If they are not, then request him to sort himself out before the two of you pursue a steady relationship. But overall, check on your driving motive and foundation of your convictions. What is heartbreaking is for you to unashamedly go after him for sex because of a simple urge. Let me mention that you should be thankful that he has not given into your demands.

I suggest that first, you forget about this relationship since it is not right for you. The issue here may not even be his age, rather, the fact that he is a womaniser and your agenda is wrong. Is this the foundation you need to lay for yourself? Second, you are seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons. Getting into a relationship in this way will definitely lead you in the wrong direction. Your urge for sex must be controlled otherwise, when it controls you, you will have opened a promiscuous door that will be hard to close. Get me right, this could paint you in bad light before your friends and peers. It could make you look cheap and unfaithful.

And finally, you need to reorder your priorities. As far as I see, you need to be values and priorities driven. Don’t sell yourself short. Your children need a stable home with a dependable mother. My hope is that if they are living with you, you give them some hope to live for. Stability in your life and home can only come through right convictions and choices. You are the best reference point of what makes sense in life for these children.

Read: I always lose interest in women I date once we get physical

Do remember, in relationships, romance is a two-way street. We need both the head and heart. Since every choice has consequences, reason must accompany our feelings. I agree that human beings need to feel loved, appreciated and desired, but we must be willing to face the consequences of our decisions.

Consequently, our feelings must be confronted and interrogated to determine the convictions and driving motive behind it. Looking back, could your actions reveal traces of inconsistencies that could help you discover the danger of unthoughtful decisions?

This is important because it will help you remain sober instead of being driven by fear or lust of the flesh. Him introducing you to his friends is not the priority here. Doing what is right with the right person is foundational.

Send your relationship question to [email protected]