A taste of bad marriage advice

I don’t know if men get as much unsolicited marriage advise as women do. We are bombarded with many do’s and don’ts. 

Top on the list is the long propagated mantra of sleeping gear or lack thereof. We are advised to sleep in our birthday suits. Who sleeps stark naked? My people would accuse you of being in communion with witchcraft if say, your house caught fire and you had to dash out. 

Why is sleeping naked impractical? Hypothermia, for starters! If you share a bed with a man, you are quite familiar with duvet hogging. He curls around it, holding onto it like a lifeline. When he turns, he swipes it off you, exposing you to an explosion of cold. You try to tag it but realise that his muscles are tougher than steel. You’ll have to nudge him awake, and he will be upset because you roused him from a deep sleep.

A study about the reasons couples fight identified hogging of beddings as a top one. We know who the culprit for this is. So then, how impractical can it get for a wife to sleep stark naked?

By the third month of marriage, you figure, freezing is not your cup of tea. You get yourself the cushiest, warmest cotton nightie and smile the night away.

Lingerie for whom?

And this brings us to the lingerie - in - bed sermon. It feels good to dress up in the cute stringy garments, but we have long learnt they don’t last two seconds on us.

Many a wife only wears the lingerie when she needs the hubby’s undivided attention. Afterwards, we happily slide into the comfy cotton shirt and catch up on our beauty sleep.

How unfair it is that the husbands have no such pressure. They will wear the Eveready T-shirt from that promotion of 50 years back and still feel very confident in their romantic overtures.

To date, hubby ignores some beautiful pair of pyjamas and a night robe I almost sold my kidneys to buy during a trip to Europe. He goes for his threadbare nightshirt whose original colour remains unknown. 

Hubby should clean himself 

The hot water and white face towels take the mantle for the most impractical of mantras. A wife should, as the sages insist, always have in the bedroom, hot water in a thermos flask, a small white bucket and a dozen small white cotton towels.

Their purpose is cringe-worthy but let me try expounding in code. It has to do with intimate moments. Every time the session concludes, the contented wife is to roll away, get the water nicely warm and clean up the hubby. He will supposedly doze off then we can clean after ourselves.

First of all, these brothers wake up at ungodly hours with the energy of a horse. You are barely awake and they are ready to cultivate the field before the cock crows. Keep up with me, please.

So, if this cultivating happens on average say four or so times a week, when is a woman ever going to have a good night’s sleep, between struggling with opening thermos flasks, looking for cold water to mix and get the warmth just right, clean him, then the towels and get back to her sleep?

We are told to curl in his arms throughout the night. Tried and tested. Not doable. Period. Unless you want someone to roll over you or accuse you of numbing his limbs.

Be best friends. That would depend on your definition of a best friend. If best friend means my close and intimate partner, then yes, most definitely, he is that.

But in my definition, my best friends remain my extremely few girlfriends. They will not doze off when I tell them about my frustrations with keeping unwanted hair off, about what creams ward off wrinkles and about the changes going on with every phase of our womanhood in addition to a zillion other never concluding discussions we have for extended hours. If the mantras have worked for you, please, do share tips. 

Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]