Dr Kinyanjui Nganga, the Sense 101 club founder and well sought after motivational and relationship speaker may not need an introduction to many of us.
In one of his channels, an obviously flustered husband, lamented that the good doctor only chastised husbands and focused only on their roles in a marriage.
Dr Nganga shared his response with the rest of his fans. I asked his permission to share his response, most of it verbatim. It should help you understand why we, the wives, place so many expectations on husbands.
After all, who else can best mentor a man than a fellow husband?
“I actually speak for both genders. But on matters family, I focus much more on men,” Dr Nganga explained and proceeded to give example of the church and state leadership.
“Just as we focus more on the church leadership than the congregants for the spiritual and moral wellbeing of the church, so is the same with focusing on the husband as the leader of his home. If you get this leadership right, you get the family right, the nation and the church right.”
He noted that this has for a long time not been the approach when it came to the marriage relationship.
"Traditional marriage counsellors focus more on women and they hold countless seminars on how women should submit to their husbands. These counsellors believe and teach that a marriage is held together by the wife. They base their teachings on the Virtuous Woman described in Proverbs 31.”
Indeed, many a wedding base their sermon on the day on this particular Biblical verse. Nothing wrong with it, but it seems to place the weight of the marriage on the wife. Dr Nganga was not shy to state his view.
“I hold a totally different philosophy from this traditional view. I don’t focus on how women should submit to their husbands. I believe this school of thought evolved from a patriarchal society that viewed women as an inferior gender that must be coerced to submission. Traditional marriage counsellors taught women how to persevere through marriage. Why should anyone persevere in an institution arguably founded on love?” Now, this is my dialect.
“I come from the school of thought that marriage is shared power vested on two equal partners. The two are one in marriage glued together by love and mutual respect and responsibilities.”
All human relationships succeed if there is order and for this to happen in marriage, the good doctor adds, “No institution stands without a leader. God instituted man as the head of the family. That means if the family fails, the man fails. If the family succeeds, we give more credit to the man’s leadership.”
Quoting the author, John Maxwell, Dr Nganga added, “Everything rises and falls on leadership. This then implies that, if a country is failing its citizens, the top most leader is to blame. If a company collapses, the CEO and the board are to blame. The buck must stop somewhere. As the leader of the family, every husband must take total responsibility for the success of his marriage.”
Biblical misinterpretation
“The submission of a wife described in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 is unto the Lord. The Biblical submission of a woman is premised on a husband’s love. In essence, she submits to his love. This means that her submission is a natural response to his unconditional love. Love precedes submission. Love comes first. Love is the greatest virtue. If a woman does not submit to her husband, it implies then that she doesn’t feel loved, valued, respected, honoured, appreciated and affirmed.”
The thing is, responsibility is not easy. It means sacrifice, sweat, pain and the possibility and fear of failure. Leadership, whether at home or in the public sphere is about all this and much more.
In fact, when we are selecting our leaders, a measure of their success should be based on how they treat their wife and children.
I agree with the quote that a man’s success is measured by what his wife says about him. No other human has a better insight into a man than his wife.
It is also said that money and other accomplishments mean nothing if a man fails his home. Pressure? Comes with the territory.
