Were we destined to be together?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I fell in love with a man when I was early twenty. We met during my sister’s wedding back in 2005 and it was love at first sight. After some time, I noticed there were many other women who were interested in him including two of his colleagues. These women were well to do and could offer him things that were beyond me. At first he resisted them and told them he had a girlfriend. However, they were insistent and he fell for one of his colleagues and married her. She had won a green card and this guy wanted to use marriage to move to the States. It didn’t work out.

After some time, he married a TV presenter who paid him to marry her. The marriage lasted only three months. Then in 2010, he got a way to travel to the US and settled down. He met a Kenyan there, one of those women who were pursuing him, and they got married. They were blessed with a son but unfortunately, this woman passed away recently.

Now he has started making moves on me after 16 years and claims that he wants to marry me. My mother has cautioned me to wait and observe him for a while. He came to Kenya the other day saying he wanted to begin the marriage process but that did not take place. Should I consider his proposal? Does he really love me? Was this relationship meant to be? Please advise me.

Hi

Marriage is a choice one makes and it should be well thought out. It goes beyond the attraction of falling in love to making sound judgement that this is the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with.

For a relationship to thrive, one must use their intellect. In your case, you need to ask yourself some key questions: Who is this man? What makes him special? What value will he add to the relationship?

My worry here is your lack of thoroughness in reasoning and keenness in dissecting who this man really is. Your decisions lack a wholesome approach to issues—some of them that are obvious.

First, right from your own words, it is clear that this man fails the test of faithfulness. Reading from what you have written, he is a womaniser. He goes for any woman from whom he can benefit from. As such, he is not the type of a man who adds value to a relationship. In addition, he appears unstable and unable to sustain a healthy and thriving relationship with a woman. Just consider the number of women that have been in his life and the reasons behind each. Is there anything that rings a bell? There is a number of children he has fathered. Does he appear faithful to family? I encourage you to open your heart, and eyes and see who he really is. Let your feelers go out and your intelligence go to work.

In the end, you will need to determine for yourself the kind of relationship you want. Just like life, true happiness does not consist in what people own. Additionally, a thriving relationship is not all about things people have or are willing to share with us. Green card and money will come and go. But you need to be in a relationship which can stand the seasons and weather the storm in relationships. Some spouses have made bad choices and lived to regret their choices.

Sixteen years is a long time to be apart and still assume that people or circumstances have not changed. You may still have fond memories of the past life you had together, but I encourage you to think before you act. Ensure you take time and get to know and be convinced why you would want him back into your life. On this fact, your mother may have a better view point.

I would like to suggest some practical steps for you: first, as much as it is sad to hear about the death of the wife, your journey since you met this man must be put under scrutiny considering his past actions. Second, consider the obligations this man has from this past relationship. How would they impact his desire to have you as a wife? Third, a widow he has a right to remarry. All you need to ask of yourself is why you and especially after having considered others above yourself. This will ensure you are not just a temporal relief. Finally, have an open dialogue on these issues with him before you move forward. Don’t make any assumptions. I am not sure how you carried yourself around during his absence from your life. This too may be key to discuss

Build on values

Marriage is a long term love relationship built on convictions, common agreements, and shared expectations. However, this involves a journey of disclosure through open and unhindered communication. Move with both your heart convictions, emotions and what you intend to achieve. Finding a good spouse must be accompanied by actions that support that belief.

Check your foundation

Marriage is about building your life on an agreed upon foundation. It takes time to dig and build a foundation upon which the house will be built. I encourage you to ask yourself, why you want to move this direction. Try and convince yourself logically and support it with prayer before you seek to convince others that he is the one. Ask yourself whether, what you agree on is fundamentally significant enough to build a marriage. On the other hand, how foundational are those things you don’t agree upon? If what worries you is weightier, then forget it and live your life. As for now, don’t invest what you can’t manage. Don’t be in a hurry. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated or sweet talked into something you are in doubt about. Refuse to remain or appear to be seen as the naive one in this matter.

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