When a man is silent in an abusive relationship, it can signal danger
Though his lips are sealed, the chatter in his brain is going 19 to the dozen. But the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question is, who is he talking with?
There’s an Igbo proverb about a baby hawk that caught a duck’s chicks. “The mother of this chick didn’t say or do anything,” the baby hawk bragged to its mother.
“What?”
“I said this chick’s mom did nothing,” baby hawk continued bragging.
“Return the chick,” its mother ordered. “Right now.”
“Why?”
“Because you have to be afraid of those silent types,” mama hawk explained. “And, on your way back, you can swoop on a hen and take her chick.”
“Why, mama?”
“She’ll raise hell, and that will be the end of the story.”
This means that, often, when a man is silent in an abusive relationship, it’s not the end of the story. The man is plotting like a screenwriter penning a thriller.
In screenwriting, we use a skill known as internal dialogue to holistically develop character. This means hearing what the character is saying at all times. All humans have internal dialogue. Even when we are silent, there is an internal monologue that is taking place.
The same principle applies to a man who is silent in an abusive relationship. He is talking to himself. Though his lips are sealed, the chatter in his brain is going 19 to the dozen. But the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question is, who is he talking with? Is he duelling with demons who are prodding him to wreak havoc or is he conversing with his better angels?
Seeing as the silent man is not silent, his abuser should know how to be part of the conversation. This requires tact. But it starts with returning the chick that the hawk stole. Chick here refers to the ego.
Look. Here’s the thing. While returning the chick, the duck may think the baby hawk has come for more. And, because at such times emotions and reason are muddled up, the duck may turn baby hawk and unleash a ball of silent pent-up fury. That’s why, in some cases, you will hear someone say, “He was just silent. I don’t know what got into him to make him do that.”
This calls for clarification. I am not in any way advocating domestic violence. I come in peace, y’all. But I am saying that there is always causality, especially in the case of a man who is silent in an abusive relationship. Sometimes the cause may be noble, but it can be misconstrued and can lead to a catastrophic effect.
Silence can be deceptive. Some say silence is a weapon. Others think it is a sign of weakness. Either way, silence is speech. It can be a non-verbal war cry or a silent siren, warning the abuser of an impending implosion. Which means that the abuser has to tread carefully.
Generally, a man who is silent in an abusive relationship is Superman. This is a man who is extremely powerful but has absolute control over the often overwhelming emotions of anger and vengeance. He knows that it’s not about bulging muscles, but a matter of mental fortitude. It takes an incalculable amount of restraint for a man to hold his horses when his chick – read, ego – is being turned into a snack by a being who has less power.
Silence in an abusive relationship can, at times, reach pressure cooker levels. When that happens, it must be released. Or else. This is why I counsel men in abusive relationships to find a way to open their valves and release the pressure before it’s too late. Talk to someone you trust. Share that burden. Or find a safe space where you can let out that primal scream. Or, if you are like yours truly, take it to the Lord Jesus in prayer.
