When parents’ wishes put couples asunder

Rose Kahendi spoke to Parenting on the matter and said that people don't seem to talk about the disastrous marriages that result when people marry within their tribes or into the ‘accepted’ tribes.

“We like to pretend that people who marry ‘people from tribe X’ are uniquely destined for divorce and crisis. And, people also don't seem to talk about the fact that many -if not most- of our parents' generation is not the best role models in the world with regard to healthy relationships and functional families.”

Tony Waga’s two-year relationship ended because of his mother. That relationship was the dream he had always wished to live. His partner was perfect for him in every way, and those who knew them saw what it meant when people are told to marry their best friend.

However, upon learning the tribe of their potential daughter-in-law, his parents immediately became cold.

Also Read: My parents vowed to curse me for not marrying a woman from my tribe

“They had nothing against her as a person,” Tony says, “but they forbade me from marrying her just because she was from the wrong tribe.”

Tony had planned to keep petitioning his parents until they gave in, but his mother fell ill, and on her deathbed, her final wish was that Tony would end his relationship and marry someone from his community.

“After that, I just could not continue with the relationship. I was too overcome by grief, guilt, and my mother’s dying wishes. I ended it, and it has been four years of looking for another partner with no luck.”

Tony’s story is not an isolated incident. Parents raised in the post-independence era when the seeds of tribalism and stereotypes were firmly entrenched have routinely rejected their children’s partners because of their tribe.

Also Read: Why marriage works only in the village

When faced with the choice of disobeying parents or letting love go, it is only natural that obedience to parents wins.

As Ibrahim Dubow says, “Our parents are the backbone of our homes and if it goes down to making a choice between my parents and any person, then automatically, I will always choose my parents. I met the other person in the street, but my parents are my factory. Your parents will remain there come darkness or sunshine, so for me the answer is, and will always remain, ‘yes’ and ‘will do’.

The victims of rejection are not so enthusiastic about that kind of obedience and honour. Joy Ndegwa had the misfortune of being rejected by her partner’s parents.

“We were so happy and rarely got into fights,” Joy says. “It was the perfect best friend-lover kind of relationship. But the mum and the sister sent him messages saying he could marry from any other tribe except mine. The dad even threatened to disown him, and it affected him so much psychologically.”

Apparently, Joy’s partner had once dated a Kikuyu lady, but they broke up and she went with the child. He then took a Kamba, who also left with their daughter.

“After he left me, he married from his tribe but could not have a child,” Joy says. “They broke up after a year. He wanted to take me back, but I had moved on.”

Also Read: Arranged marriage: Maybe your parents know best

Other people, like Kimanzi Muvithu, have suffered several rejections from different sets of parents.

“I wanted to settle as early as 2018,” Kimanzi says. “I met this Kalenjin lady and agreed to move on with marriage plans. Out of nowhere, she told me her parents were totally against the idea of a Kamba-Kalenjin marriage, citing that Kambas were murderers. This was in reference to the murder of the Kalenjin artiste Chelele by her Kamba husband. Almost a year into dating, I was dumped because of this.”

In 2020, Kimanzi met a Luhya, and the same thing happened. The lady’s father spoke harshly about his tribe, not his person, and she gave in to demands to leave him.

“For a moment I felt like sina nyota ya ndoa,” Kimanzi continues.

In 2022, Kimanzi met his wife. Having been raised in a metropolitan area with no inclination to choose a tribe, it was only a coincidence that his wife happened to be Kamba. He is now happy and content and has started a family.

The negative tribal stereotyping has also led to the denial of parental rights. Njeri Gichohi reached out to Parenting with her story.

Around a decade ago, Njeri was dating a Luo man whose parents were not supportive of the relationship on account of her tribe. The parents felt the relationship would not last, and things took an ugly turn when Njeri got pregnant.

Also Read: Of culture, love and marriage

“His parents became so bitter with him because he had impregnated a Kikuyu. Things got heated up and they warned him to never see or visit me and my unborn baby,” Njeri says. “That's how I ended up being a single mother. It's been 9 years now. That guy vanished, never to be seen or heard of again. It baffles me how people think and reason. My daughter had no mistake, but they chose to crucify her by denying her a dad.”

It is not just tribe that makes parents refuse to bless their children’s unions. Apparently, even denominations within the same religion play a part, as experienced by Newton Ingala.

One would expect that a union between a Luhya and Luo, who have intermarried so much they call each other mashemeji or ‘in-laws’, would have no opposition.

“The Luo lady I was dating had told me what to expect,” Newton says. “She warned me about her dad, who was extremely strict, and she doubted if he'd accept me because I was Luhya, and belonged to a different denomination.”

True to her word, the woman’s father refused to even meet Newton. Given Newton’s Christian background and serving in church as a youth leader, he refused to elope.

“I kept praying and trusting that he would accept me. He never did,” Newton says.

One day, Newton insisted on meeting his partner’s father, believing that a personal sit-down would change the father’s mind. His partner and her mother organised everything. Together with his best friend, he made his way to the home.

“When we arrived and went to greet him, he literally refused to shake our hands and told us off to go to the people who had invited us to his home,” Newton says. “It was so embarrassing.”

Newton and his partner did not give up yet. His partner went to her pastor to intervene, but her father was too powerful a figure in their church to go against.

Newton, in turn, approached his Bishop, but the Bishop refused to intervene, saying it was a matter for his partner’s church to handle.

“So every effort we ever made to honour them as parents was thwarted,” Newton continues.

It so happened that the father was ailing from a terminal illness and his health was deteriorating. Unlike Tony’s mother at the beginning of this article, this parent had a change of heart.

Also Read: Do we really marry our parents?

“He got a point when he sensed he didn't have much time left on earth and started asking the daughter if I could plan to go see him officially. But by then I was not in a position to because I was unemployed and struggling to make ends meet,” Newton says. “Unfortunately, he passed on last year before I could go. On his deathbed, he asked his eldest son to allow my fiancée to bring me home. Sadly, we broke up last year in July. I always blame him for hindering us from settling down.”

Do parents have a right to interfere in their children’s relationships? Rev. Paul Oduor of A.C.K. St. James Buruburu weighs in on today’s topic:

“Parents can be fuelled by stigma associated with different tribes, untrue aggregations on communities, and defensive aggression. They might be armed with limited information and interaction with the 'culprit' tribe,” he says.

He notes that some people do not want to upset their parents, so they choose the non-confrontational approach and sever a relationship that cost them time and resources to build, not to mention the emotional and psychological investment.

“Their sense of responsibility and attachment is the price they pay for their own choice, or should I say, lack of it,” Rev. Paul says.

On the flip side, the non-conformists stand their ground and see themselves as well able to reach this important decision by themselves.

“They endure valiantly the threats, manipulation, and blackmail from parents and part of the extended family, who are normally brought in as reinforcement. They are, on many occasions, branded as renegades and devious rebels and are frowned at as the black sheep of the family,” Rev. Paul says. 

“Although these people go ahead with their decisions, inwardly, parents hope the worst for them and always hope to brandish the 'I told you so' in the near future.”