Who should be older in a relationship, the man or woman?
Hi Pastor
Great work on uplifting articles. I have two concerns. First, if a man or woman gets in a relationship, who should be older? Second, how does one get out of a toxic relationship where your partner is too controlling? There are using their age to dictate issues, how should one handle such a situation?
Hi
The two concerns shared touch on a spouse’s sense of belonging and being accepted in a relationship. The age issue in relationships comes with a level of anxiety with some spouses having to face and deal with their inner fears that make them uncomfortable about their partner’s age. In some instances, couples have overcome this barrier of age and gone ahead to marry the one they love.
Dr Elena Touroni is of the opinion, many cultures do not consider it acceptable to fall in love with someone who is much older or younger than you. Many people argue that older spouses—particularly men, can be overly possessive and jealous. The other argument is that, older spouses are already set in their ways and carry a lot of baggage. On a cultural side, couples with a large age gap often raise eyebrows among friends, parents and peers.
Whatever the case, such realities of age must be confronted and not just wished away. When we are open to entering a relationship with someone 10-15 years our junior or senior, then such a reality must be confronted by an informed mind of benefits and disadvantages of age in relationship. The key question then is, does age matter? Will a relationship with a large age gap experience poorer or better connection compared to a couple with same age? The answer is neither here nor there.
Generally, men tend to marry women who are younger than them for a variety of reasons. For some, they don’t want to be in a house with a wife who had aged while they still feel young and energetic. For others it is the pressure they get from friends to marry a woman who is younger than them. When age in marriage becomes a cultural discussion, the couple is most likely going to be controlled by their cultural view which could destabilise the relationship. Friends, parents or relatives should not be allowed to totally dictate one’s choice of who to marry.
What matters then, when it comes to choosing a partner? While beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, the values that partner holds and espouses override any physical attractions they may have. As such, in marriage, reason must override feelings particularly where outward attributes cloud the inner beauty. So, while age may bother some, it is not a determinant of inner convictions and character. Therefore, no matter who is younger, the big discussion here should start with why do I think this person will be a good companion? What makes us compatible? For me, although age is key, it does not score high among the factors and qualities of a great relationship.
Of course it may appear I have not given you a yes or no answer. However, I would like you to reason through the real qualities that make relationships work. When it comes to age, the kind of spouse you would want to have with you when you are old. Would you want a partner that is same age, younger, or older? Will their age make it appear like you live with your dad and not your husband? That said, you can actually marry anyone so long as the hard questions have received answers. Although this is not what your question is about, when it comes to underage marriages, it is illegal and criminal to do this.
Every spouse needs to be careful of toxicity in the relationships where insecure spouses tend to be overly controlling. The idea is to guard your heart and words against escalation of issues while at the same time seeking your voice to be heard. In relationships, we need to make it easy for our partners to interpret our heart from the kind of words and actions that dominate the relationship. The true state of your heart will dictate behaviour and the feelings you have for your partner. Where things stand, you need to take responsibility for any negativity within the relationship that could be attributed to you. If you have noticed his desire to control, confront this with love and truth without letting your heart be flooded with fear.
When your desire to create a healing environment is clouded with actions that border fear and anxiety or even physical abuse, seek ways of exiting the relationship that will not compromise future restorative efforts. Be careful to make a separation between simple acts that annoy you in a relationship that occur due to poor conflict management or poor managing of your emotions with adamant and dictatorial actions that are meant to hurt and wound you. Accumulation of pain and bitterness from past negative actions can open a door of vulnerability that could lead to further fear and hurt. Don’t let pride or fear deny you the opportunity to seek help and support when needed.
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