Why has my teen started lying?

Dear parent, 

Teens may lie to avoid punishment, maintain privacy, seek social acceptance, and protect themselves or friends. They will lie about what they are doing, where they are going and where they have been. Teens will lie about their friends and cover for each other, school work, house chores or even if they have had a bath.

They will also lie to protect themselves and their siblings from their parents’ wrath when they see you are unhappy about something. Teenagers who are abusing drugs and other substances lie to conceal their habits. They lie even though you have taught them the need to tell the truth since they were toddlers. The nature of the lies they tell is often related to their developmental stage and the social and emotional challenges that they may be facing.

How do you react when your child tells you a truth that annoys you? For example, when your child confesses to having accidentally broken an item in the house, how do you respond? Teenagers know their parents and will tell them what they want or expect to hear. If you tend to raise ‘tsunamis’ in the house by quarrelling, your child will start lying so that you stop the chaos.

Pick up lying lessons

We also need to remember that our children are watching us and learning from the way we handle situations. They will listen to you telling little white lies to relatives, friends or business associates as you talk on the phone, and they will pick up “lying lessons”. For instance, when you are stopped by a police officer for speaking on your phone while driving, and then you deny it, yet your teen saw and heard you talking on the phone, what values are being instilled in your child? 

At school, lies are told to teachers and prefects in attempts to impress or to avoid getting into trouble or to protect their friends or classmates if and when they get into mischief at school or in the neighbourhood. 

I remember a case of a girl at a private high school in Nairobi who would lie to her friends that her father was an engineer working outside the country and her mother was a businesswoman, while the truth was that her parents were not together, and her father was struggling with alcoholism back in the village. The girl’s school fees were being paid by a maternal uncle.  The truth emerged when one day, her biological father appeared at the school asking to see her.

Build their self-confidence

How, then, does a parent stop or curb their teenager’s lies? 

First you need to know your child and understand their reasons for the constant lies. If you lose your temper when told some truths, you will need to tone down so that you are able to understand without instilling fear in your child. 

Stop telling white lies, or whatever other lies you tell when your children are listening. Instead, be truthful and keep talking to your teens and never get tired of reminding them the importance of being honest. By understanding why your child is lying, you will be able to give them the support they need. For instance, if your child has self-esteem issues and therefore tells lies to their peers and friends to fit in, keep affirming them and build their self-confidence so that they do not feel inferior to others. 

Establish good channels of communication between you and your child and be a good listener. That way, the child will feel secure that someone listens to them even if whatever they have to say will make their parents unhappy. Now, if the lying is out of control and the parent is unable to help their teen, it becomes necessary to seek the help of a professional counsellor or therapist.