Will my husband ever stop chasing other women?

I have been married for 25 years and we have four children. All these years my husband has been cheating on me with different women. Every time I found out about his affair with a woman or women he ends the relationships and promise to stop infidelity.

Unfortunately, he just stays for few months and goes back to cheating. We went for counselling last year when I was on the verge of quitting the marriage. To my surprise, he said he was content in this relationship and couldn’t explain why he went to those other women. After some sessions with a counsellor, he promised to stop cheating for good.

Last week I happened by chance to see his Mpesa statement and was shocked to discover he had sent a certain woman Sh100,000. She is one of his mistresses, I know them by name. I asked him to pack and leave but he refused. I am fed up with his behaviour.

Hi

You are at a place in marriage where many relationships find themselves today—particularly for women whose men fail to keep their promise of faithfulness. Your pain, therefore, is understandable.

It is difficult for me to promise that staying or leaving will heal your pain of seeing someone you chose to share your life with betraying your trust. The issue you have raised is valid and I understand how this has affected your mental well-being.

In addition, I am cognizant of the fact that you live with a man who does seem to put any effort to change his actions. It is clear that with time this has brought an enormous emotional toll on you. His failure to change is both selfish and a lack of goodwill for the relationship looking at the years the two of you have spent in marriage.

The question is how he can be confronted without making him feel cornered and manipulated to change. My view is that he has not shown any level of responsibility albeit the times spent with the counsellor and the promises he gives every time he is caught.

My worry is when in this issue, he starts to take advantage of your generous and kind heart. But, where things stand, it is you who knows how much of this could be attributed to his promiscuous behaviour. Maybe there are areas where you too fell short and he started his downward slide.

When it comes to sex in marriage, both spouses have to agree on what works well for each of them. Without a plan, blame is an option. This is important particularly where both spouses or one of them could be having a busy schedule that affects their ability to function well in bed.

Fresh love-life

Secondly, developing a plan on how to keep the love-life fresh especially when the marriage ages. Sex is a relationship between the spouses than what many have turned it be—something we do to gain satisfaction.

Thirdly, when a couple learns the practice of seating and discussing matters of sex openly and early, they are able to detect any issues that could require expert help so as to improve how the couple functions together. This must be done with grace and understating and without accusing or pointing the finger.

When it comes to a marriage that seems to not improve in such circumstances as yours, there are certain fundamental areas that are key: First, having a sincere and honest dialogue on the issues between yourselves or with a counsellor. Second, to identify without blame and point the finger at the problem and its source.

Third, follow that dialogue with well-structured tiny, observable and achievable actions based on areas of agreement reached. Fourth, set the desired goal for the marriage as opposed to expecting change from one partner. Once there is the admission of guilt, build together a supportive framework for defeating the vice. Fifth, learn to celebrate the tiny successes as a part of a wider strategy to see a repeat of the success in each step.

That said, since you want him out because of a lack of commitment to change and no improvement in his associations, I suggest that you identify whether your spouse has an underlying issue such as sex addiction. Although you mentioned that he said that there is no problem in the marriage, could his desire to look for other women be associated with something he does not want to talk about?

Sex is beyond a physical act. It involves emotions. It requires greater patience and skill as two people grow older in marriage. In some marriages, the frequency may not be as it was earlier in marriage. All these factors must be investigated if there is hope to revive what is left.

It would be sad if you gave up and threw in the towel after these 25 years. Maybe you need to try another counsellor and a couple you trust from your faith side of life. Sometimes prayer and good accountability help.

Most of the values, practices and habits we live by are picked along the way based on the choices we make. We live in a fallen world with many coaches all the way from the internet to associates. I am certain that your husband understands the consequences that will follow his bad actions. However, the temporary relief that he gets from these women has placed him on a path of destroying his own marriage. I pray that you will make a wise choice based without compromising yourself.

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