MR SURVIVOR: Throw me out over Valentine's? I will leave, but it will be noisy and messy

Last Saturday was a day of reckoning for yours truly. As you will certainly remember, the Sanhedrin of Happy Valley had summoned me to answer charges of subjecting the men of Happy Valley in general and the brotherhood camaraderie in particular to the ignominy of bowing before a woman.

When I procured the services of Mrembo, the proprietress of Happy Valley, as my lead counsel in the alleged brotherhood betrayal case, I expected to win the case very easily. As a woman, and a businesswoman at that, and a leading gender activist in Aberdare countryside, I expected Mrembo to support Queen, her fellow businesswoman, through me. After all, she herself has been in one of the longest Valentine outing with Chairman, but that is a juicy story for another day.

As I have told you in the past, I am blessed with more than my fair share of political, financial and marital enemies. Mrembo was easily bought and instead of defending me, she supported my enemies in the name of her customers. She told me about her withdrawal from the case a minute before the case commenced. My defence, which I conjured up on the spur of the moment, was dismissed as hot air.

“You are hereby accused of taking your wife out for a Valentine date, true or false?” asked Mhesh, the duty judge.

“You should recuse yourself from this case on grounds of conflict of interest. Your wife and mine are currently contesting for the leadership of the chama,” I protested.

“The issue of chamas is a wild goose chase. Restrict your submissions to the issue of Valentine!” shouted Chairman.

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Now, Chairman’s words speak for the mind and heart of Mrembo. As Mrembo’s open-secret soul mate, he has never hidden his discomfort with my business closeness with Mrembo. 

“That was the day a man, if he can be called one, ever stooped to the lowest of lows in the history of Happy Valley,” Kimunya said.

I could see the holier-than-thou members of the Sanhedrin nodding their heads in agreement.

“It was the highest height of idiocy for anyone, even remotely related to us, to carry flowers to his woman, wife or otherwise, in the name of love. Shame! Shame!” said Mhesh.

“With all due respect to the honourable members, I raised the pregnant issue of conflict of interest but the ‘lord of lords’ ignored it. It is my considered view that the matter is very weighty as to jeopardise the partiality of the ‘learned judge’,” I said. 

“I wish to make my comments though without Kizungu mingi,” said Mrembo.  Everyone laughed. “This is a business and businesses do not know friends. Mr Survivor’s unfortunate behaviour will scare away my loyal customers. For the sake of my business, I shall agree with the elders’ decision. That is all I can say,” Mrembo said.

“From the foregoing submissions, it has been decided that you are hereby suspended from the esteemed membership of Happy Valley for a period of one year. The board of management will review the sentence then,” said Mhesh.

“I respect your judgment but I do not agree with it. Time will tell,” I said, and left in a huff. I drove straight to Green Valley, a drinking joint at the other edge of Happy Valley town. 

What Mrembo seems to have forgotten is that she and I run complementary and supplementary businesses. Her customers rely on my weather and terrain hardened Volkswagen Beetle. I therefore add value to her business by setting my taxi bay at her premises.

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After an hour, all my regular customers followed me to Green Valley in droves. The fact that Happy Valley is considered a place for the dynasties complicated matters for Mrembo.

“This is the place to be. That place is for people with maringo mingi na kizungu mingi,” said Omosh, my mechanic and part-time driver.

I later learnt that all other customers, with the exception of the Sanhedrin had followed me. Later that evening, I received an SMS from Mrembo. It must have been drafted by Professor; the only voice of reason among the members of the Sanhedrin.

“Hello dear. I am very sorry that Mhesh made that judgment. Please remember where the two of us come from. We have come from very far. We can sort out the issue without the busy bodies. The suspension is null and void, just hot air.  Please consider my humble appeal.” 

I immediately blocked the telephone numbers of the entire Sanhedrin.

I decided that I shall only go back on my own terms, and only when Mhesh is not the chief judge of the Sanhedrin. This enforced divorce will be noisy and messy. Watch this space.

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