Mr Survivor: How Happy Valley’s professors of economics interpreted this year’s budget

Happy Valley Grills is a melting pot of intelligentsia, otherwise known as village professors. They are mobile encyclopaedias who comment on each and every field under the sun. As I have told you in past missives, having successfully lived with my Queen, the lioness of Aberdare countryside, for the past decade, I am also qualified to the coveted title of professor. Moreover, my success in the taxi business qualifies me as a professor of economics.

Now, when the national budget was read in parliament recently, the Happy Valley professors met that evening at Happy Valley Grills, also known as parliament, to interpret the budget to the ignoramuses whose contact with education, and therefore civilisation, is only through the various vernacular radio stations.

At Happy Valley, chairman and Mrembo set the agenda of the parliament. “This government will kill us. It started with fuel, now it is beer. What have men and their vehicles done to the government,” asked Chairman.

“Hii serikali itatumaliza kabisaaa. No fuel means no beer. That is killing us silently!” said Mrembo.

“That Njuguna thinks that budget is a market of potatoes,” said chairman. This sent the whole house down with laughter.

“You know he does not take beer. That is why he is punishing us,” said Mrembo. “This government suffers from a shortage of creativity. Kwani, aren’t there other sources of tax apart from beer?” asked professor.

“These big people drink imported spirits, which is why they do not know the price and importance of beer, bure kabisa!” said Mrembo.

“When Mwai Kibaki was minister of finance, we used to see and feel things happening right in to the bedroom. He read a people’s budget. This one is just kizungu mingi,” Professor said. “You cannot compare kibakinomics and Ndung’unomics. It is like comparing life and death,” I said. Most members got lost in my jargon.

“That was a budget of the rich. Imagine him raising the price of motorcycles! What will we be using to transport farm produce? That is a sure way of cutting the hands of the farmer!” said Mkulima. At the mention of the word motorcycle, the parliament was split down the middle with half supporting the increase while half opposed it.

“Give the devil his due. On motorcycles, I support that Ndung’u man. I am for discipline not anarchy in our society!” I said.

“I agree with you Mr Survivor. These bodaboda boys have to be taught manners. They have turned our roads into death traps!” said Mhesh.

“These you call boys are our brothers, sons, neighbours and friends. They should be corrected and not condemned,” said Chairman. As the chairman of Happy Valley’s business community, he had to be in the right side of political, if not safety history.

“They can be what they are or want to be but they should live and let others live!” said Mhesh.

“But there is something very sensible that Ndung’u man did. He created house tax. These people with payslips have been getting so much money without paying tax,” said Chairman.

“Where is the wisdom in that? Who told them that we need assistance in building houses?” said Mworia, a high school teacher.

“We know teachers are opposing the house tax because they can afford to build their own. Those of us with no payslips need the houses. You have eaten government money for so long. It is our turn to eat,” shouted chairman.

The debate immediately turned to one between employed and unemployed people. As you can guess, the unemployed won.

“I totally agree. Those who have should be taxed to provide jobs for the youth. That is the most learned idea from this government. I support,” shouted Mhesh.

“Then they should take our salaries and give us the tax!” shouted Mworia in frustration.

“This government should have gone home like yesterday! We are going to shoot that budget down in parliament,” said Ndoria. As a teacher and now an aspiring MCA, and with the power and vision of Balozi, he was suffering from political illusions and translating Mrembo’s parliament to the national parliament, where someone has promised to shoot the whole budget down.

That is just a snippet of the kind of hot debate that has been taking place at Happy Valley parliament on this year’s budget. The professors have interpreted and analysed the contents of Njuguna Ndung’u’s budget to the bare minimum and will continue doing so until the next issue of national importance crops up. And that is our parliament of village professors. 

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