Pastor Njue: My adult son is immature 

Dear Pastor,

My son is 35 and still under my roof. He has not shown any signs of seeking employment even after having conversations with him. Could he have given up on life? I am worried.

The meals are hot; the fridge is full, the rent is free, which could be why the young man has maintained the status quo. Perhaps, he was only taught how to handle success at his formative age and not a failure. Life’s hardships and failings should not always be interpreted as a catastrophe. Winston Churchill said that success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. There is also a likelihood that the young adult was engaged in the wrong choices in life or education trajectory. Thus, usurping his ability to develop a clear sense of what he wants to do in life. Maybe the parent playing the lead role instead of the supportive role could lead to a delayed transition to adulthood. 

Education system

Both parents and the education system taught children to go to school, get a good grade, and get a good job rather than teaching life skills or guiding them to pursue their area of passion. Unfortunately, with high competition of employment or low-paying precarious job, the young adult might have found himself in a state of mental distress due to fear of financial burdens. This might have led to a distorted view of life, consequently causing a negative long-term impact and reduced life chances. There is a likelihood that the young adult is lacking a clear sense of purpose in life and intimidated by “adulting”.

Young people need to be involved in activities that seem easy and fun and in challenging activities that will help them excel in life. They must be taught how to sustain their efforts, even when things are difficult and tedious. They will perform well in the long run when prepared to cope with frustrations and challenges that are an inevitable part of life. At 35 years, the concern is genuine because it is a societal expectation that the young man should have settled in life and possibly be having a family. 

Open dialogue

As a parent, you may need to have an open dialogue with him and seek to establish the past experiences that the young man might have gone through. In this case, investigate what works out for him well and what did not work out in his life journey. Cultivating the habit of asking for his opinion through dialogue will invite the young adult to offer hints on what he finds valuable. Thoughtful and curious questions like What is most important to you in your life? What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? What does it mean to be a successful person? Who is considered a failure in society? How do you want to be remembered? It will help you glean on what is important to him, thus, offer the needed support.

Finally, develop a transition formula that emphasises interpersonal skills that will help him assume personal responsibilities, learn problem-solving techniques, set both short-term and long-term goals to acquire meaningful life skills across life developmental domains. Exposure to other available lucrative enterprises different from the course he took in school would be of benefit to your son. You might consider throwing him in at the deep end and avoid shielding him from facing the problems because you will be creating more obstacles.

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Next week’s question

As a single parent, how do I ensure that I take care of my mental well-being to take care of the children effectively, and how do I manage societal pressure as a result of my status? Send your parenting questions to [email protected]