How children outsmart digital controls

From curiosity-driven clicks to calculated digital loopholes, today’s children are finding increasingly clever ways to bypass parental controls—often right under their parents' noses.

Even before Covid-19, Neema Kamau, a mother of four, discovered that her children had downloaded a game on their shared iPad and were chatting with a random person while playing.

When she asked who the person was, the children couldn't identify them. Neema immediately uninstalled the game. When learning transitioned online during the pandemic, Neema realised she had to take extra measures. She began setting up parental controls on her children's devices to monitor their digital activity.

While online learning itself was manageable, thanks to teachers using creative and engaging approaches, her children's interest in online games grew significantly.

"There was this app called Discord where you could play games and chat. So, my older one would have a way of hiding that window and easily flip it back depending on who was there. When I found out, we had a conversation and I reminded him to respect his class time," she says.

To keep tabs, Neema installed an app that tracked screen time and showed which apps were being accessed. She also downloaded Custodio, an app that allowed her to block access to specific apps.

"I would also snoop in unannounced and monitor whether they were concentrating in class and what they were doing," she adds.

Neema established and strictly reinforced gadget usage rules – no devices in bedrooms and screen time allowed only at specific hours.

"When one went against the rule, I would cut out the time on the gadget. For example, you will not have gadget time for the evening for the rest of the week."

Still, even when enforcing consequences, Neema ensured her children understood the reasons behind the punishment and how they could correct their behaviour.

How children bypass parental controls

Danstan Akwiri, Vice President of Cyberpro Global Limited, says one of the ways children bypass parental controls is by using Virtual Private Networks (VPNs)—tools that protect internet connections and privacy by creating a secure, encrypted tunnel between a device and the internet. He adds that proxy sites are also commonly used for this purpose.

"Proxies work in a similar way," he shares, "But the difference is that a VPN encrypts your traffic. It's safer whenever you're accessing a platform or server using a VPN."

But the main difference between the two is that VPNs will encrypt your data as opposed to proxies. Another easy way for children is to access classified material in what we call incognito mode. Mr Akwiri says the whole idea of incognito mode is to make an internet user anonymous.

"For instance, when I log onto the Nation Media's website normally, it will leave a timestamp like time and IP address, which definitely could reveal my location. But when I use incognito mode, my IP address will stay hidden."

Another way is by creating alternate accounts. "If you create an alternate account, it will tend to bypass the controls because they are not attached to the parent account."

Others will go to the extent of resetting the whole device so that it is not attached to any identity or even borrow a friend's device that may not have any parental controls.

However, this (resetting) could be curbed by limiting admin access. "This way, the children will not be able to make a reset because the device will ask for a master password."

So, what can you do as a parent?

As much as you could come up with so many ways to limit misbehaviour, children will always come up with new ways to access particular sites or platforms that you have banned.

"First, you must educate the child and get him or her to trust that the controls are being put for his or her benefit."

Also, you could use layered security controls, whereby you combine different security filters, up-level restrictions, and network-level controls so that in case one bypasses the other, there will still be another layer which they are unable to bypass."

Also, you could filter at the router level, whereby you filter from the router access. Why? Because even if you reset your device or use alternative accounts, you still need to use that particular router to access information outside.

Additionally, parents need to be very aware of the VPNs and proxy applications and disable them. Mr Akwiri says this can be done through installing mobile device management (MDMs) which they can control from their phones or laptops.

With MDM, you can have a list of all the applications that have been installed on that particular device, which you can block or uninstall.

A parent could also audit their child's device and see which apps have been installed, platforms have been visited, and with which accounts.

Last but not least, regularly update the controls.

Why children defy parental controls

Teresa Watetu, a programme manager at Penda Watoto Foundation, says that what motivates a child to bypass parental controls is curiosity, especially during the teenage years.

"The children want to test the waters. How far can I go? What would happen if I don't follow the rules?"

Another common motivator, she explains, is peer pressure.

"Maybe they have heard their friends talking about the sites and applications they visit, so they wonder why they can't do the same at home."

Ms Watetu adds that some children may also be driven by a need for attention, particularly when their emotional or psychological needs are not being met.

So, as a way of calling out for attention, they will resist the controls. Lastly, a child can bypass parental controls just for the sake of it.

“It could be rebellion, peer pressure, curiosity or a call for attention. Every truant behaviour is always a call for attention especially in cases where there is abandonment. And abandonment isn’t just about a parent being absent. You could be very present, but your presence is not being felt."

What should you do when your child breaks the rules?

While the first reaction could be shouting, screaming and yelling at your child, Ms Watetu says this might not get you the information you need.

First you need to establish the background. "Why did they go to that site? What was happening?"

Then, explore what motivated your child to browse websites or download applications that are prohibited. The other thing you (parent) might want to do is self-introspect on the type of parent you are.

"Are you available for your child? For example, would they come to you and ask you, what is sex? Would you be available to talk about it? Often what they looking for is information. Are you equipped with the skills to talk to your child about these things?"

Ms Watetu says by the time a child is coming to you and asking you a question, they already have a whole lot of information so they want to confirm it with you.

"Secondly, they want to see whether as a parent, you will be truthful. Number three, they also want to know how approachable you are when it comes to these topics. Is my parent a safe space that I would approach them with these things and we can talk about them?"

"I have a parent who told me, my daughter told me that they're doing online classes so I bought her a phone but it was not about online classes but sexual escapades. So, this parent discovered their child, who is in Form Three, has four sexual relationships. The rule was that no phones were allowed in the bedroom so one time, the daughter sneaked from her room took the phone and the parent wondered, how come she was not asleep at the time? She walked into the bedroom and found her chatting. When she took the phone she found all the sex chats."

Is it okay to snoop?

Before setting parental controls on digital devices, Ms Watetu says parents should ensure that the rules are practical. Secondly, expectations must be made very clear—spelled out in black and white—so the child understands what is acceptable and what is not.

Another key point, she shares, is the need for consistency. "You cannot have controls that keep on changing, because you will confuse the child."

Lastly, she says parents should clearly define the consequences of not following the controls.

Is it okay to snoop through your child's digital device without their knowledge?

"Yes, because you need to see if your child is mature enough to be left alone with the gadget and gauge how responsible they are with the device."

In the same breath, Ms Watetu prohibits snooping because it will be a violation of their privacy.

"Two, some parents can't handle what they will see. Take for instance you find out that your child is gay or a lesbian or they are in deep hardcore pornography...are you prepared? I had a case of a parent who for some reason could not explain how their child would get gadgets despite taking them away. The daughter would be locked in her bedroom the whole day, there would be no visitors coming but, in the evening, they would have her gadgets. And this girl was being introduced into lesbianism. So, her friends would find a way to give her the phone and the parent was very frustrated at some point the dad almost hit her in the compound because he was angry. He didn’t know what to do."

The rule of thumb when dealing with digital devices is, always make regular check-ins on your child.

"Do not let your child know that you can't check on them. Let there be regular impromptu check-ins and let the phones or digital gadgets have no passwords."

Signs of exposure to explicit content

When you find out that your child was exposed to explicit content, both the child and the parent need to seek therapy and be honest through the process.

The first consideration, according to Ms Watetu, is whether or not the child is remorseful.

"Were the consequences reinforced? Did you find out how deep the issue was and was it resolved? Is there a definite time when gadgets are to be used?"

The first sign is withdrawal. Ms Watetu says they will retrieve to their own cocoons. You will find that they want to be in the bedroom throughout.

"Secondly, if you walk in on them, they will be shocked and will immediately hide their gadgets."

Thirdly, frequent password changes or passwords on almost every app on the phone. Also, how long are they taking in the washroom? "They could have a shared bathroom so they are not able to practice what they are doing but when they have the time to be alone, you realise they are taking longer than usual."

Another indicator is your child avoiding family gathering or outings and preferring to be left behind.

wkanuri@ke.nationmedia.com