How much does it really cost to maintain a clandestine relationship? In today’s world, where intimacy has been monetised and affection negotiated, the line between love and transaction continues to blur.
“He loves me. He gives me all his money… my sugar daddy.” These lyrics glide over countless TikTok reels as young Kenyan women spin in silk robes, flash cash, step out of German machines, or sip bubbly on a yacht. The sugar daddy phenomenon is no longer whispered. It’s proudly posted with hash tags; #MySponsor, #SoftLife, #SpoiledGirlfriend.
What was once coded language has become lifestyle content. And yet, behind the luxury lies a price — often paid by older, wealthier men who play provider in these untraditional relationships.
A majority of these men in their late 40s to 60s, are financially established and are seeking attention and affection from younger women. For the women, some say, it is not just about cash — it is about companionship.
So how much do the men pay monthly, for instance, to keep up these relationships?
Behind the luxury lies a price — often paid by older, wealthier men who play provider in these untraditional relationships.
There is really no standard price tag, but estimates from people who spoke to Lifestyle suggest monthly spending on a sugar baby can range from Sh50,000 to over Sh300,000 — not including big-ticket gifts.
“There’s no fixed rate,” says Michael, who has been in two such relationships, dating a young woman. “But what is constant is the rent, upkeep, vacations, hair, nails… sometimes even tuition fees.”
For Jude, a businessman, he says it is not just about the money. “She travels with me. She listens. She brings peace. It’s not about control; it’s about connection.”
“Companionship,” says Jude. “In my age, peace is more important than passion.”
Mwaniki, a 52-year-old entrepreneur who has been in such an arrangement for the past five years, says, “Yes, there is money involved, but for me, it is peace. The energy. These girls know how to make you feel wanted without drama. I provide, she thrives — and in return, I get companionship without complications,” he says, adding, “Being a sugar daddy isn’t about control, it is about connection.”
In today’s world, where intimacy has been monetised and affection negotiated, the line between love and transaction continues to blur.
Spoken and unspoken rules
The men told Lifestyle unlike what many people assume that such relationships are wild, unstructured affairs; but they have boundaries, both spoken and unspoken.
“Sometimes it gets emotional. Their [women’s] job is not just sitting there looking pretty when I call. You have to be available, emotionally present, and make me feel seen. You learn when to be silent when to compliment, and when to disappear,” adds Mwaniki.
One of the men admitted, “It’s like a contract. I expect loyalty, availability, and honesty. In return, she never has to worry about rent or upkeep. But the moment she violates the trust — it’s done.”
The men say nowadays it is easy to find a young woman who is hunting for this kind of lifestyle. “You walk into a bar or restaurant in a Rolex watch and Versace cologne? They (young women) already know you’re not here to split the bill,” says Jude.
Precious says she met her mubaba , a common term for sugar daddy, while still a university student.
“The first time we met, he gave me Sh200,000 — in cash — and then flew me to Rwanda,” she says.
Weekly, he gave her Sh20,000. “That was a big deal for me since I was a student. It was the kind of financial freedom most students can only dream of: unexpected money deposits to my phone, weekend trips, and the ability to say yes without hesitation. He bought me perfumes and designer watches. He’s the one who made me fall in love with luxury.”
'He bought me perfumes and designer watches. He’s the one who made me fall in love with luxury.'
She never saw the car he once promised but does not regret the experience. “It was always transactional. He was 55. I wasn’t in love — just smart about my needs.”
“There’s a time I felt like he was developing feelings because he would call me at certain hours, talking about how he missed me. Of course, he can’t leave his wife, but he developed feelings. He used to call me baby, dear, my sweetie...,” she says.
Eventually, Precious walked away — not from guilt, but because a younger man entered her life offering similar support. “My new boyfriend sends me Sh80,000 sometimes, even Sh100,000. And I love him.”
Sarah says she does not believe in love. Or marriage. That is her reason for being in such a relationship.
“It’s not bitterness. It’s what I saw growing up — the damage. I closed that part of my life off,” she says.
“I lived in a tiny apartment. One day, he just said, ‘You deserve better,’ and moved me to a two-bedroom in Kilimani [an upmarket estate in Nairobi],” she says. “Now he’s planning to get me a car. I didn’t ask, he just wants me comfortable.”
She earns well, but she never has to spend her salary. “He funds my life. But more than that — he respects my boundaries. He never complicates my peace.”
“Three years in, and honestly? I don’t feel the need to have another man in my life. He is everything I need. Imagine, from someone born in the slums to this? It’s really something,” she adds.
Their relationship goes beyond money. There are the quiet, soft touches of companionship that many in traditional relationships can only yearn for. “We take vacations. Just the two of us. Dinners, weekend trips,” Sarah says.
'We take vacations, go for dinners and weekend trips. Just the two of us.'
Psychology behind sugar daddies
According to counselling psychologist Cleopa Njiru, it is partly biological. “From age 40, men begin to experience andropause — a decline in testosterone. The face starts having some wrinkles, the energy goes down, and that means even the sexual prowess goes down,” he says.
The result? A quiet crisis, often unconscious. “Because of all the changes happening in them, the brain would want to confirm that they are still energetic. When they are with younger people, they want to prove they are still young,” he explains. “The brain starts looking for validation,” he says.
As the man changes and starts losing their energy, he tells himself, ‘Prove yourself—you’re still a man.’ It becomes so natural. They cannot even explain why they are doing what they are doing,” Mr Njiru says.
In his observation, even men who hold senior positions, who society expects to be above such temptations, aren’t immune.
Many spouses assume that their husbands cheat because, as a wife, you have become less attractive or less appealing.
“If a man is 50 years old and marries someone who is 10 years younger or even the same age, the woman will also be going menopause as the man is going through andropause. Her body is also changing, her mode of dressing, her body figure,” he says. “And the younger ones, their hormones are high, they’re attractive, and their faces are more feminine.”
Women, he notes, tend to experience relationships differently. “They are more mindful. Unless they are doing it for other reasons like money, but naturally, women tend to be choosier in their relationships.
But it is not just hormones. It’s cultural, too. “Boys grow up watching men model this behaviour [having affairs]. It becomes normalised. You don’t question it — you inherit it.”
In some cases, this behaviour, Mr Njiru says, is even embedded in the culture through outdated rites of passage.
“You may find people who take boys through the rite of passage, who themselves do not have either a cultural or modern or Christian or Islamic understanding of the rite. So they teach them such behaviours, assuming that is how a boy should behave after becoming a man,” he says.
Mr Njiru argues that often the appeal of older men and young women is not love. “For many of these men, their marriages are stable but dull. Sugar babies offer vibrancy without the emotional demands of a traditional relationship,” he says.
