Sarah came to the Sexology Clinic with her husband, John. After the usual niceties, they both went quiet.
“The truth is, I am just never in the mood for sex, I am unable to pretend, and this has offended John,” Sarah said, looking down. She fetched her handkerchief from her handbag, blew her nose, and wiped tears rolling down her cheeks.
“How sure can I be that she is not seeing someone else?” John asked, looking at me straight in the eye. “I do not understand this thing of moods, I also have moods but I still feel attracted to her. For me the mood thing is a lame excuse. She should just be clear if she is no longer interested in the marriage.”
I sought to understand the genesis of the couple’s troubles. Sarah was in a new job that was quite demanding. She was yet to get the right balance to be able to attend to other life’s demands. John did not seem to be aware of what she was going through and responded by blaming her for being unfaithful. This only added to her distress.
“The trouble in your relationship is not that Sarah has no moods,” I said. “Women lose moods once in a while. The problem is that when the moods are low John is unable to bring them back and instead you two resort to a quarrel.”
In one research published in Pubmed, a journal on gynecological matters, scientists followed 3,300 women over 10 years, studying their trends in sex desire and frequency. They concluded that everything zeroed down to the mood of the woman – if the mood was elevated, they desired and had sex. If the mood was foul or depressed, they lost desire and had no sex. The right mood, therefore remains a key determinant of whether a woman will be open to sex or not.
The big question, however, is whether men know what to do to elevate the moods of their partners. Fortunately, most women confirm that there is nothing complicated that a man needs to do for their moods to be elevated.
“Well, all I want is to be sure that he loves and cares for me irrespective of my situation,” says Esther, a middle-aged married woman.
“Peace of mind, the knowledge that he understands me, that I can come home after a difficult day and find a shoulder to lean on,” says Mary, another married woman.
There are many ways of showing the care, love and understanding that most women so dearly value.
Many women like it when men voice their love feelings. It reawakens the mood and brings the original passion.
“You see, the problem with men is that they take it for granted and assume that we are aware that they love us. Some also take it as a weakness to confess love and to say nice words to a woman,” says Esther. “Unfortunately for me, that is the mood changer. Even when I am in a very foul mood, his reassurance that he loves, cares and misses me just excites me.”
For others, a gift, whether flowers or a dress or just a chocolate bar is what matters.
“A gift is a confirmation that you were thinking about me. It is not about how expensive it is, it is the principle behind it,” confesses June, another married woman. “Even in my worst of moments, it is the button that turns me on, reawakening my moods.”
For others it is the acts of kindness and care that matter – the day he serves you tea, or irons your clothes, or washes the dishes because he realises you are tired. It is those small acts that show that he cares: Opening the door of the car for you, choosing to carry you on his back across a muddy path, or when he massages your aching back. For many women, those acts change the mood for a week, a month or even a year. Just one great act of care and kindness can be a game-changer.
Other women just want the man around, not on their computers or watching football but spending quality time with them. They want the man to talk to them, to listen to them. Just that can bring back their mood. It is a tough call for men who would rather spend time in bars or with friends at the expense of their wives. By the time they come home, the woman’s mood is gone and there is no desire for sex.
Overall, mood is king for female sex desire and the successful husband is one who can harness it and keep it elevated. The duty of a man is to discover what ticks for his woman.
