How to overcome shyness

We’re all nervous sometimes, especially around important people. But maybe you’re really shy, particularly among strangers or with large groups? Making even the most relaxed parties, dates, or meetings at work a nightmare?

Shyness can make starting relationships especially difficult, but once you get into one you’ll be fine. Shyness is never a problem once you’re close. So eventually, even the shyest people all find jobs, marry, and have children. It just takes them longer.

Shy people tend to focus on their shortcomings. They’re perfectionists and feel everyone’s watching them, so anything they say has to be spot-on. They think they’re alone, but actually, they’re not. Most of us worry about the impression we’re making or whether others like us.

The key to overcoming shyness is learning the right techniques. Because effortless self-confidence is not inborn; it’s something we all have to learn.

Most of us pick up the skills as youngsters. And it’s hard work. Do you remember shriveling with embarrassment as a teenager?

Start by accepting that you aren’t great at small talk and work on it. Start gently by practising small friendly exchanges with shopkeepers, for example. Find a little voluntary work because if you become more focused on the lives of others, you’ll find that your shyness no longer bothers you.

Socially confident people go on developing and practising their skills all their lives. So watch the people interacting around you, and learn from them.

Consciously focus on understanding people’s emotions and become sensitive to the signals that suggest their interests and mood.

Be a good listener and always be genuinely interested in every person you meet. Everyone loves being asked about themselves. Start gently, and reveal as much about yourself as you’re learning about your new friend.

Learn to enter conversations gracefully by asking open-ended questions or developing someone else’s remark.

Learn how to handle failure. Don’t blame yourself; maybe it was just the wrong time or place. Practice turning negative responses into counterproposals: ‘What about tomorrow?’ And if it’s you who doesn’t want to do something, be polite and positive.

Always offer a reason or an alternative idea: ‘What about next week?’ Acknowledge that some people think negatively about everyone. You’re never going to change them, so just let them go.

Work on your sense of humour. Seeing the lighter side of every situation is a sure way to be liked.

Fake looking and acting calm, relaxed, and self confident. Act warm and friendly. This will help to put other people at ease, and encourage them to open up and feel relaxed with you.

And your feelings will gradually change to match the way you appear on the outside.

Be kind to yourself, and acknowledge every success, no matter how small.

Overcoming shyness is a bit like learning another language as an adult. You’ve got to consciously learn all the skills others picked up as kids. So it will be hard work. But you will succeed!