Is my boyfriend using pain as an excuse?

I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend (30) for nearly two years. He struggles with chronic pain but refuses to seek medical help. Lately, it has worsened—he rarely does chores, avoids plans, and often complains of fatigue. Yet, when his friends invite him out, even for physically demanding activities, he never says no.

Strangely, he’s also never too tired for sex, which makes me wonder if his pain is selective, surfacing only when it comes to things he dislikes—like household chores. I’ve tried suggesting fun activities we could do together, but he accuses me of keeping him from his friends. Despite researching possible causes and offering solutions, he won’t see a doctor. Instead, he smokes weed daily while complaining about his condition.

He has also been unemployed for four months, and I’m beginning to resent covering some of his expenses. Am I being unfair, or could he be using his pain as an excuse? Should I give him an ultimatum to seek medical attention?

Annie, Nairobi

READERS' ADVICE

Annie, many men don’t like doing household chores, especially when their partners are present. We feel valued when we come home to a tidy space and a warm welcome. That said, a responsible man should help when needed, even if not routinely.

Try to understand why he avoids chores and, when asking for help, do so respectfully. Since you care about his well-being, encourage him to seek medical attention. If he’s not exaggerating his pain, he should want to get better. His daily weed use is concerning—you should insist he quits. Finally, find out whether he’s faking his condition, as that would be unacceptable. There’s no room for laziness in a relationship.

D. Mutunga, From the School of Life

You’re describing a man who is comfortable and in no hurry to change because his lifestyle benefits him. As long as you continue to support him, he has no reason to step up.

You have two choices: talk to him and set boundaries or walk away. If you choose to leave, do so knowing you did your best. It’s not your job to raise a grown man. Don’t waste your energy on someone unwilling to improve his own life.

Juma Felix

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Many young people ruin their futures by staying in unhealthy relationships. Prevention is better than cure.

Ask yourself: Do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t prioritise his health and relies on weed as a coping mechanism? You’ve been together for only two years, yet there are already red flags. Take precautions before you regret it later. It’s better to end a relationship than to suffer in an unhappy marriage.

– Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor, Mitume P.A.G Church

EXPERT'S TAKE

Annie, despite your good intentions, you’ve already done everything you can to help him. Ultimatums rarely work in the long term. If someone is in pain but refuses medical help, that’s their choice—you can’t force them to change.

It’s time to reassess your relationship. You’re still in the early stages, yet you’re already dealing with major issues. It’s concerning that he resists activities that strengthen your bond. He may not be as invested in this relationship as you are.

If you stay, you risk becoming his therapist and caregiver rather than his partner. Instead of sacrificing your well-being for someone unwilling to meet you halfway, focus on your own growth and peace of mind. Relationships should be built on mutual love and effort, not convenience.

 Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I’m 23, and my boyfriend (25) and I have been together for almost three years. We usually meet two–three times a week, mostly at night, as he prefers to have his afternoons to himself. Our dates are repetitive—movies (which I don’t enjoy), dinner with his family, and outings with his friends.

I’d love to try more interactive activities, like TikTok games or art dates, but he’s not interested. When we’re together, we don’t talk much, and he gets annoyed if I comment during movies. I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t find me interesting.

Is it normal that he doesn’t want to see me more than twice on weekends and avoids weekday meetups? Am I overreacting?

Mercy, Thika

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or share your advice, write to: satmag@ke.nationmedia.com