Help! I’m falling for an ex-flame after my wife abused my dad

I'm married with one child. Last year, my wife verbally abused my father. When informed, I insisted she apologises to my parents, but she refused. Since then, my love for her has been dying gradually. Recently, I reconnected with a former classmate whom I secretly admired in school. When we met after 10 years, she asked if I was married – which I didn't reveal, though she suspects from my social media. She admitted she still loves me, but we lack the environment to nurture our connection. I'm falling deeply for her, and she's planning to visit soon. Should I remain in a loveless marriage for my child's sake, or pursue this new relationship?

Boniface

READERS' ADVICE

Boniface, have you established the reasons behind your wife’s verbal confrontation with your father? You ought to have conducted a thorough investigation before jumping to conclusions. What if your father was in the wrong? The qualities you admired in your wife are still there; perhaps you are blinded or lacking in communication. It’s normal to be attracted to someone else, but you made a choice before. What if you leave your wife only to find out that the other woman is worse? Every human being is prone to mistakes. If you choose your wife, forgive her, end the affair completely, and seek counselling (individual or couples) to address the underlying issues. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. If you choose the other woman, be honest with your wife and leave her. Don’t prolong the pain. Consider therapy to better understand your choices. Infidelity damages everyone involved.

The choice is yours, however, choices have consequences.
D. Mutunga, From the School of Life

You are trying to sidestep a burning issue within the household by seeking a lost love. That will not solve the problem. The confrontation between your spouse and your father will haunt you, your family, and the entire clan forever unless you get to the bottom of this troubling situation.

Drive Counseling Centre, Nakuru

It is so unfortunate that your wife abused your father, who is also her father. I don’t know what may have led to that, but whatever it might be, it should not have escalated to abuse. Seeking solace outside your marriage is not a healthy solution. The grass always seems greener on the other side! You need to tread carefully, lest you jump from the frying pan into the fire. Running away from a problem does not solve it. I advise that you sit down with your wife and find a way to resolve the dispute between her and your father. You may seek assistance from another respectable and wise person in your family, church, or even a close family friend.

Rev. Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor, Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale

Your wife may have unresolved feelings or grievances related to your dad, possibly stemming from past experiences or interactions. She might feel that your dad did not treat her well or that he contributed to issues in your relationship, leading her to express her disdain.

Some people use humour or sarcasm to cope with difficult emotions. If this is her way of expressing feelings, it may not come across as intended.

Consider having a calm conversation with your wife about her feelings towards your father. Understanding her perspective can help you both navigate the issue more effectively. If the situation continues to cause tension, couples therapy could provide a safe space for both of you.

Ultimately, understanding her motivations will be key to resolving this conflict and improving your relationship.

Fred Lastborn Jausenge, UAE 🇦🇪

EXPERT'S TAKE

Indeed, you are in a dilemma, but I want to break it down step by step. There are many things we may deem acceptable, but we cannot live in a world where unfortunate incidents like the one between your wife and your dad happen. Whether she apologised or not, you need to ask yourself if you were still in love with your wife before the exchange. People do fall out of love, but in my opinion, your newfound love for your former schoolmate is most likely a strong infatuation, fuelled by your discontentment with your wife.

Before jumping ship only to land yourself in another unfulfilling relationship, you should attempt to establish the truth regarding where you both stand as a married couple. It’s important to understand at what point you disconnected and confirm the facts that led to her altercation with your dad. Caring for your child should not be a choice. Separate your parental responsibilities from your affections for anyone else.

Again, before you leave your marriage, you owe it to yourselves to understand why your marriage took a dive. If it’s mutual, what can be done to revive the harmony you once had, assuming it existed?

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 32. I'm struggling to leave my boyfriend of a little over two months. Every time I try to break up with him, he argues until I shut down. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, and he always finds a way to convince me to stay, saying I’ve misinterpreted him or that things will get better.

I fear ghosting him because he’s hinted that he might harm himself if I do. This situation is making me miserable, especially since I feel pressured into sex and am now scared to be alone with him. We also work in the same office, so avoiding him completely isn’t an option. How can I get away from him without causing harm?

Magda, Kisumu​

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: satmag@ke.nationmedia.com