Far too many relationships end up just limping along. Everything looks fine from the outside, but behind closed doors, you’re hardly spending any time together. And are very rarely intimate.
Work’s usually the excuse. Everything’s so difficult because your hours are so long. You both regularly promise that the latest project will soon be over. But there’s always another. You’ve agreed several times that you’ll spend more time together. And endlessly moaned about how one or the other of you is always too tired for sex. Or never in the mood. You’re probably also both secretly toying with the idea of having an affair.
But almost every modern couple puts a lot of time and energy into their work. So that’s not the reason why your relationship’s come to a standstill. You’re really just using your career to distract you from the problems at home. Because what’s actually happening is that you and your partner have different needs, and they’re not being met. For example, many men need sex in order to feel close to their wives, while women usually need to feel close to their husbands before they can feel desire. And so nothing ever happens.
That’s why you’ve started to wonder about straying. Because when couples no longer feel close to each other, they start looking for affection elsewhere. So the idea of an affair is really being driven by your unfulfilled needs.
But if all the arguing and complaining hasn’t solved your problems, what’s the way forward?
You need to find a way to flip the situation. So if you’ve told your partner what you need and that hasn’t worked, then try asking them what they want instead. You probably think that sounds like another dead end, because you’re sure that your partner will ask for something you won’t like! But ask anyway, and then do your best to give them what they want. Because you just never know, you may find you love every minute.
And if you suspect that you’re both using your work as a distraction? Ask what you might both be escaping from and start working on putting that right.
Now you can start to talk about how to prioritise your relationship during your evenings and weekends. For example by finding some new things you would enjoy doing together. Or by agreeing that you’ll put your work aside a little earlier every evening, and relax together. Even half an hour every day will make a big difference.
But maybe none of this works. In which case it’s time to start asking yourselves why you’ve both put up with such poor levels of intimacy for so long.
Because if you can’t get closer again, then your relationship will probably end sooner or later.
