Aftercare: How to care for each other after intimacy
Both men and women can suffer from a weird mix of sad, anxious, irritable or aggressive feelings.
Even these days, when anything goes, most couples are uncomfortable talking about intimacy. And there’s one topic that rarely ever gets mentioned. Aftercare. In fact, many couples don’t ever really think about it, let alone set out to do it well.
Aftercare means doing whatever it takes to help your partner to feel loved and comfortable after making love. Because during intimacy, neuro-chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are released that create big emotional shifts. Those mood changes feel good at the time, but you can feel strange as your neuro-chemical levels fall and the emotions changes unwind. For example, both men and women can suffer from a weird mix of sad, anxious, irritable or aggressive feelings. Maybe even for hours.
Good aftercare will help you both adjust. Most of us do something for each other in those moments, even if we don’t actively think about it. And those who don’t should definitely reconsider. Like the casual lover who quickly gets dressed and abruptly disappears, leaving their partner feeling as if they’ve been abandoned.
So, whether your usual routine involves heading straight for the shower, ordering takeaway, falling asleep, or cuddling up silently together, thinking about better aftercare is a wonderful way to improve your connection with your partner. In fact, taking good care of someone you’ve just been intimate with should be an essential relationship skill, irrespective of whether you’re a long-term committed couple or friends with benefits. Because even if you’re in a casual relationship, your partner still deserves love and tenderness. Casual partners often resist offering aftercare, worrying that it implies an increased level of commitment to the relationship. But it doesn’t. You’re just being kind to your partner.
So, how do you give good aftercare?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, because even though those neuro-chemicals feel wonderful at the time, our emotions can go all over the place as their levels fall. You and your partner might also have different aftercare preferences, which could include some alone time. So you should talk together about your needs, and find compromises that work for both of you.
Though even that may not be straightforward, because talking about aftercare involves a level of intimacy many couples are uncomfortable with. Especially those who are not in a committed relationship. But aftercare doesn’t have to be a big thing, it’s just what you do to settle your emotions down again.
So the best way to get started is to simply ask your partner what they need, preferably outside of the bedroom. And what’s off-limits. For example, talking about your partner’s body, touching one another without asking first, or even just direct eye contact.
Aftercare is much more than what you do. It also demonstrates an intention to be there for your partner. So speak up. Because the best way to have a really good intimate relationship is to use your voice. Just speak up, and listen carefully, and you’ll both get what you want.
