You may imagine that you will breakup in just one conversation, but even if you’ve only been together for a few months, you may need to talk several times. And a lot more than that if you’ve been together for years, or are married, or have children together.
Everything about breaking up is unpleasant, but sometimes ending a relationship is necessary.
Maybe your trust has gone after an infidelity. Or you feel unsupported. Or you’re no longer happy. Perhaps you’ve been thinking about breaking up for a while, or maybe you just want to see what else is out there.
Whatever your reasons, think them through and be completely clear about why you want to end things. That will help you avoid flip-flopping, and make it easier to explain your decision to your partner.
But before you do that, start making plans to organise anything that will need to change, such as your living arrangements.
Have the break up conversation when both of you are free of any sort of time pressure. And don’t rush things, however tempting it might be to get everything over with as quickly as possible. It is better to spend as much time as necessary talking everything out.
Talk to your partner in ‘I’ statements, because that will help you to explain your thoughts better and prevent the conversation becoming a blame game. For example, if there’s a specific reason for breaking up, say something like, ‘I’m really hurt and don’t know how I can rebuild trust.’ or ‘I don’t feel right in this relationship anymore.’
It is best to be clear and honest about the reasons for the breakup, even though that may hurt your partner’s feelings. That doesn’t mean you have to lay out every little detail, but your partner does need to understand why things are over, rather than parting with a lot of open-ended questions. Show compassion and empathy and don’t be unkind, and you’ll leave the relationship feeling more comfortable about the choices you’ve made.
You may imagine that you’ll breakup in just one conversation, but even if you’ve only been together for a few months you may need to talk several times. And a lot more than that if you’ve been together for years, or are married, or have children together.
Because once you’re living together, it’s not just about your feelings. It’s also about ‘What do we do now?’ Being willing to talk through things more than once also shows that you care about your partner, and how they’re processing the breakup.
But at some point the conversation has to come to an end. Eventually you’ll reach a point where there’s nothing left to say, and you both need to begin moving on. So if your partner is still having difficulties coming to terms with your decision, encourage them to seek support from family, friends or a counsellor.
You may be surprised by your own reactions to the breakup, even though it was your choice. You may feel a confusing mixture of emotions, including sadness, shame, guilt, anger, resentment or relief, so give yourself time to come to terms with them before taking your next steps because leaving a relationship is always hard. But sometimes life involves doing difficult things.
