Creating the healthy marriage you desire

Marriages get into trouble for lots of reasons, because we’re never taught how to be good partners. But if you learn from your mistakes, you can still make your marriage strong.

Like you’ll never resolve a problem while you’re angry. Back off and agree a time to continue the conversation. 

Try doing something active when discussing difficult subjects. Like going for a walk, planting vegetables, or painting a wall. Doing something together encourages better discussions.

Whether you’re an at-home parent or out of the house all day working, it’s easy to feel unappreciated. And end up arguing over who’s working harder and deserves more downtime. Don’t even go there. You’re both working hard. This conversation will get you nowhere.

Talk to yourself the way a good, strict parent would. Be honest about your priorities, your trust issues, whatever, and fix them. Figure out how childhood experiences are affecting you now. Talk about them with your partner, and work out how to get past them.

SHARED BEDTIMES

Put one another first. It seems so obvious, but many couples just don’t. Your partner needs to come before your friendships, work, sport, everything. That doesn’t mean losing your identity, or dropping everything that matters to you. But you do need to consider your partner in everything you do.

Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader - say what you want. Give more compliments, touches, thanks and smiles. Deal with small issues as they come up - you’re also developing the skills for tackling the inevitable bigger ones. And when your partner’s talking to you, give them your full attention - like put your phone down!

Think about how you talk to one another. Especially avoid criticism: “you never…,” “you always…” Criticism’s the beginning of the end for a relationship. Find some other way to talk about your problems.

Avoid comparisons with anyone else - things like “Why can’t you earn as much as your brother?” And never tell your partner they’re not good at something, whether it’s parenting, their work, or their skills in bed. It always sounds far crueller than you intended. If you must talk about something like that, make it into a positive conversation. Especially, never put your spouse down in front of others. In a marriage, you defend your partner in public no matter what.

Talk about what gets both of you in the mood for sex. Is it time alone? Reading sexy stories? Working on a project together? Weekends away, or eating together in the evening? Sex isn’t a reward for a bargaining chip, and nobody’s entitled to it. But it is really important. So find way to do the things that mean you’ll have more.

And always go to bed at the same time. A shared bedtime’s an intimate ritual that strengthens your connection with your partner, whether you have sex or not. While separate bedtimes lead to endless bad habits. Like late night drinking, flirty messaging, and far, far, worse…