In many marriages, people hold things in and ruminate on them mentally before they can react.
Must we spend Christmas as a family? My wife wants to visit her mother for a few days with the children. I want to relax at home. I have no problem letting them go, but I fear I could be setting a dangerous precedent. How do we achieve a win-win? She plans to travel on the 23rd and come back on the 27th.
Holiday movements may look small on the surface, but they carry symbolic meaning in marriage. People often interpret them as signs of loyalty, priorities, and the emotional temperature of the relationship. It is understandable to desire to lie back and chill after a busy year as your family heads upcountry for festivities at your in-laws.
This would be okay if your wife is also comfortable with the arrangement. However, beware. People can agree, even if they're not exactly happy with the idea, because it wouldn't look good if they insisted that you accompany them to their own people. She expects the desire to see her people to come from you, not her insistence.
In many marriages, people hold things in and ruminate on them mentally before they can react. Do not be quick to assume their permission as a sign of happiness with the choice. Many spouses give permission out of maturity, not enthusiasm. They agree to avoid conflict, but internally, they record the moment as a withdrawal from the emotional account of the relationship. Meanwhile, resentment rarely appears loudly; it accumulates silently in small disappointments that were never voiced. By the time it surfaces, people say, “It’s not about this one issue,” because it has layers.
As for the bad precedent you referred to, I think you mean this silent tit-for-tat, where in future she may refuse to come with you to your people and opt to stay back as you did. In marriage, patterns become precedents, and precedents become expectations. What you do once can quietly become the new normal. Beware.
It is essential to cultivate open communication and trust in your marriage so that you pick up issues while they're still budding and before they balloon into resentment and silent revenge. Her people are your in-laws, and, obviously, you may not be too comfortable spending days with them. If you're like many African men, that is. You want to maintain healthy boundaries and avoid unnecessary familiarity with your in-laws.
The second lesson from A Christmas Memory is that this is a season for sharing.
This, however, doesn't mean neglecting the relationship and not paying them a courtesy call here and there, with a gesture of honour. Healthy boundaries are not distance. They are clarity. You can be present without being over-familiar, and respectful without overexposing yourself. If your family is travelling, I would advise you to take them yourself and spend at least a couple of hours there. Commiserate with your in-laws and find out how their year was.
When a man escorts his family to his in-laws, he is not just doing logistics. He is communicating honour, responsibility, and emotional investment. Those gestures speak louder than speeches. While there, share a meal. Exchange light moments. You'll, of course, have brought with you a basket with a few items and perhaps some Christmas gifts. Mainly because you recognise that your family will be catered for from the family's resources during their stay. This is not transactional or payback, but just honour.
Relationships thrive on reciprocity. Even when no one voices it, people instinctively measure whether your presence adds or drains value. You never want to take more than you give. Culturally, they may return the basket with some farm produce or groceries. That exchange by itself goes a long way in building your relationships on that side.
Admittedly, relationships take work. They often require you to forfeit the opportunity to relax and instead embark on a long journey to visit people. They require you to spend on travel and shopping, and to expend your energy and time covering the distance and connecting with your loved ones.
Let us now examine the issue from the perspective of the impression it gives about how you care for their daughter. If you carry her and the children, it will show care. You could even drop and pick them if the distance is not too long. This will bring her much respect in the eyes of her siblings and relatives, as it will serve as evidence that she is loved.
Gifts at Christmas bring happiness. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP
But if she has to undertake the commute with the children by herself, it won't reflect well on you. You don't want to leave question marks in the minds of your in-laws or to miss an opportunity to bring her honour.
Furthermore, her family doesn’t just watch how you treat their daughter. They interpret it. Small gestures translate into big conclusions about her safety in your hands, her happiness, and your commitment. What about the children and the memories you could create by just travelling with them?
End-of-year festivities are unique in that they stick in our memories more than any other season of the year. Children, in particular, don’t remember dates, but they remember presence. They don’t recall the itinerary, but they never forget how they felt with you in those moments.
It is the stories you tell together, the jokes you make and the meals you share. I suggest you be there for your children in that regard. In short, the real win-win in marriage is not convenience, it’s connection. When you show up for your wife, her people, and your children, you’re depositing into the emotional bank that sustains the entire home.
Merry Christmas!
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