For most of the year, we find ways to cope with our relationship difficulties, but we spend so much time together over Christmas that they’re harder to ignore. And so divorce lawyers get busy in January.
People often view divorce as freedom, and imagine a new and much more exciting life. And it always seems as if your divorced friends have leapt into happy new lives.
But they rarely tell you about the years of heartache and grief. Or how hard it was no longer having a partner to hold you and listen to your worries at 3am. Because in reality, divorce is a rollercoaster you can’t get off.
The admin’s appalling and highly emotive: deciding who gets what; selling property; arguing where the children should spend their time.
So, a surprising number of people regret divorcing. Men miss their wives, start new relationships and make the same mistakes all over again. Women often don’t realise what they’ve got 'til it’s gone. Like taking their husband’s income for granted and complaining that he’s unromantic.
Until suddenly there are two homes to run on the same budget. Disposable income typically falls by between 20 percent and 30 percent after a breakup.
Maybe you imagine that divorce will rid you of someone you’ve grown to detest. But if you have children together, you’ll actually be co-parenting together all your lives.
You may see less of each other, but you’ll have to work even harder at your relationship. And if you think things are bad now, wait until you’re being spiteful to one another through the kids. Couples often say ‘We never fight in front of the children.’ But children always know what’s going on and are miserable.
Successful co-parenting means teamwork, relentlessly putting your children first, standing side by side at school events, and eventually marriages and christenings. You might not share a home any more, but you won’t be waving goodbye to each other any time soon.
Don’t underestimate how long it takes to rebuild after divorce, even if it was your choice. The sense of loss, failure and grief for what might have been is intense. There’s a huge shift in your self-identity. Friends drift away. You’re lonely.
Even if you’ve some idea of what to expect, it’s impossible to avoid all of this. Being a single parent is tough. Living apart from your children is tough. Men often quickly start second families, creating rivalries for affection and money. It’s a long hard process, and not for the faint-hearted.
So before you jump, ask yourself some questions. What’s changed since the time you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? What’s stopping you from saying what you need from your partner? Are you sure they can’t meet your needs if they knew?
Because marriages haven’t failed until you’ve stopped arguing. So, instead of fighting over trivialities, why not admit what’s really bothering you? It’s not easy, but talking openly can bring you back from the brink.
