In a new relationship? Watch out for ‘pink flags’

You’ve probably heard of ‘red flags’. The signs that suggest someone’s really bad news. A cheater perhaps, or an abuser.

But most of the things that make people bad news are spectrum disorders, and vary from mild to severe.

So, the signs of the milder versions are what I call pink flags.

See just one, and your new friend’s behaviour may just be a little odd.

But once you’ve spotted a pink flag, you’ll probably see several more.

Because the spectrum disorders that make people untrustworthy often overlap.

A good example is inappropriate disclosure. Like you’ve only just met, and already you’ve heard their entire life history.

Or maybe you’re with someone who never seems to give you the whole truth.

Real situation

They keep you off-balance with breadcrumbs that conceal the real situation, or you notice that the details keep changing, or don’t make sense.

Or maybe they have unusual eye contact. Over-intense perhaps, or oddly disconnected.

Not everyone’s great at managing eye contact, but if you feel uncomfortable it’s a pink flag.

Another one is rigid or black and white thinking.

That may seem highly principled, but relationships don’t go well with people who can’t compromise, or see their partner’s viewpoint.

Perhaps it’s your very first date, but already your new friend knows where you live, work, and went to school.

They’ll probably say it’s ‘normal’ to look someone up, but knowing more than what’s immediately obvious from your social media suggests they may become controlling or obsessive.

Or maybe you’re with someone who doesn’t keep their word.

Big deal

Who tries to convince you that you’re ‘making a big deal out of nothing,’ or tells you you’re ‘confused.’

Watch out for a lack of empathy, negativity, rudeness, or belittling remarks about your looks, friends, work, or dreams.

Or someone who tells you how to think.

Or who tries to persuade you that everything’s fine, even when you’re feeling deeply uncomfortable. Or who tries to dominate the conversation. Or who’s erratic and unpredictable: texting you all day long and then going quiet for a week.

Watch for someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. Who stands too close or moves too fast. Touches you too soon, or outside what’s socially acceptable.

Or who refuses to take no for an answer, issues ultimatums and creates scenes.

Or who refuses to apologise, says you’re the cause of the problem, thinks they’re always right and everyone else is wrong, or pits people against one another.

And resents even the slightest critical remark.

A particularly important pink flag is someone who can’t control their emotions.

Who yells at the waitress, is forever getting into rows at work, gets hugely upset whenever things don’t go their way, or whose mood changes from calm to raging anger in the blink of an eye.

See more than one or two pink flags and you’ll never be able to trust your new friend.

Or be yourself. Save yourself endless grief and move on.