It’s no betrayal unless you both had set limits
Many relationships fail because someone feels betrayed.
Many relationships fail because someone feels betrayed. Perhaps one of you has had an affair. Or spent money you were saving for a house. Or told their family about a fight.
You feel betrayed when someone breaks a promise. But those promises are often unspoken rather than clearly discussed and agreed.
Like couples often believe that everything they say’s confidential. But it also feels normal to talk to friends about someone you love, or to turn to family for support. So, where do you draw the line?
Similarly in managing your finances. Should you be transparent with each other? Should all your spending and saving be mutually agreed?
And what are your expectations around intimacy? How important is sex to each of you? How much is enough? And when?
Topics like these are so sensitive they’re often avoided in new relationships, so agreement is assumed and can easily fall apart. Like many couples feel they’re ‘obviously’ in an exclusive relationship, but have never actually defined what that means.
So, talk about these issues and turn your unspoken promises into real ones. You might struggle to reach complete agreement, but if you at least understand each other’s viewpoints, then there will be fewer misunderstandings.
For instance, how do you define being faithful? Most couples say it means being strictly monogamous, and assume that they both know what that means. But one of you might feel that anything goes, short of getting naked between the sheets with someone else. While the other thinks that even the mildest jokey flirting is off limits. Maybe one of you likes watching porn, but the other considers it a breach of faith.
Disagreements like that are normal because everyone has different ideas about what’s okay and what’s not. So, discuss what being faithful means to you. And to your partner. Explore where the differences in your viewpoints came from, and how to work with them.
That might not be easy, especially as relationship boundaries can feel blurrier than ever these days. Remember how Carrie Bradshaw remarked that ‘I think maybe there’s a cheating curve.’ So is cheating in the eye of the beholder? Or is all fair in love and war?
But one thing never changes. We all feel really hurt when a promise has been broken, regardless of whether it was spelled out clearly. Maybe that’s because the idea of commitment is spelled out in terms of exclusivity, confidentiality and honesty. So, if one of those fails, you aren’t really committed. And wonder whether you really loved each other in the first place.
So, discuss your expectations, and establish limits you can agree on around intimacy, confidentiality and your finances. Then there’s a good chance you’ll see eye to eye about what faithfulness means in the future. And what confidentiality means. And how to manage your money. Do it soon, because these conversations always go better if they happen before an assumed line has been crossed, rather than after.
