Mwalimu Andrew: I’m spending festivities with Fiolina’s mother

When I made a decision to start helping the laugh of my life, Fiolina, with household chores like cooking and washing utensils, it was out of love.

When my sister Caro, Mwisho wa Lami’s Cabinet Secretary for Misinformation, Miscommunication and Broadcasting Lies, started spreading useless rumours about Fiolina and I, saying that I was sat on, I ignored this.

I did it out of love. When I confronted Caro and my father, and told them to keep off my marriage, I did it to protect Fiolina, I did it out love.

To show my deep love for Fiolina, I did even more for her last week. Not only did I cook and wash utensils, I even washed her clothes, and last Wednesday I gave her an off day where she was expected to do nothing: all she was to do was to sit and be served by her lovely husband, yours truly.

It was indeed a difficult and busy day for me, but a lovely one for her, and that’s all that matters. As expected, there was more talk around this, especially when I was seen airing clothes in the sun as Fiolina enjoyed lemon tea under a tree.

This elicited more talk in the village, but I did not care. Little did I know that whoever said asante ya punda ni mateke had us in mind.

Though I feared, I did not expect Fiolina to take advantage of my generosity. I did not expect her to be so thankless. Yet she did it, and in the worst way possible.

It started on Friday. On that day I went to school to check on how our students had faired as regards high school admission. Despite the negativity we witnessed as a school since the results were released, all the students had been admitted to secondary schools.

For the second time in a row, we had achieved 100 percent transition. From school, I passed by Hitler’s, where I had not been for long. I needed no calculator to know what the conversation would most likely be about, but I also was sure of one thing, at Hitler’s, whoever pays the bills gets praises.

I did that. I arrived and ordered Hitler to give everyone half a glass each, as a beginning.

Within minutes, everyone was praising me, saying what a responsible man I was to the school, the society, parents and family.

“Andrea usisikize mambo ya watu,” Nyayo, who had been on the fore front of talking badly about me told everyone. He was on the second drink paid by me.

“We all work at home it’s just that it has never been discussed,” he added.

I arrived home late that night. I found food on the table, ate and went to sleep. Yesterday morning when I woke up, Fiolina had already left the bed. I wondered why she had woken up early, as we have been waking up late.

I could hear her in the kitchen. I decided to playful go see what she was doing in the kitchen, as we had been doing. I jumped out of the bed, and went to the kitchen. I was whistling loudly.

“Hello dear, what’s for breakfast today,” I said as I opened the kitchen door. Fiolina was busy making groundnuts, though she looked different. When she turned back, I froze. It was not Fiolina, but her mother.

For five seconds I did not know what to do. She recovered first, closed her eyes and covered her head with a leso. This gave me an opportunity to run back to the bedroom.

Fiolina returned a few minutes later. “I had gone to buy some mandazis for mum, she loves Mwisho wa Lami mandazis.” I asked why she had not told me that her mum was around, and why she had not asked me before inviting her.

“Were you in a position to be talked to yesterday?” She asked. I told her what had happened in the morning. Instead of sympathising with me, she laughed loudly.

“What were you thinking going to the kitchen with only your torn underwear?” She asked, laughing more loudly. I couldn’t believe she was laughing instead of saying sorry. I asked if it wasn’t an abomination for my mother-in-law to see me in that state.

“No, it would have been terrible if you had seen her naked; you would have had to pay a goat,” she said, “You are her son, there is nothing to hide.”

We forgot about this and joined Fiolina’s mum for breakfast. It was tense as I couldn’t speak. After breakfast, Fiolina’s mum asked to watch some Nigerian movies and I switched on the TV for her. Fiolina joined her.

That is where the drama started. As they watched, Fiolina would call me and send me something.

“Please bring me a pillow… mum is cold please bring her a shawl… get us some water please…”

At 11am, she asked that I make them some tea. I thought about refusing but decided to obey, telling myself that would be the last time. It was, for I refused to prepare lunch when she asked me. After lunch, she said that she wanted to spent time with her mum and asked me to wash the utensils, but I refused.

“You can wash as you talk with her,” I told her.

“I invited my mum here to rest, not to work. She always works when she visits. But since the kids are not around, I thought it would be good for her to come and rest and enjoy Xmas as you and I take care of her.”

“If you wanted your mum to rest, you should have taken her to a hotel,” I said. I then reminded her that she had not even consulted before inviting her mum. “This was to be our time together.”

“We have been alone together for three weeks now Dre, haujatosheka? What else do you want?” She asked angrily, “You never raised an issue when your mouthy sister Caro visited last week.”

To avoid further quarrels I left for Hitler’s.

I was confronted when I returned.

“So, it is okay to prepare lunch for your sister, but you can’t do the same for my own mother, ehe?” Fiolina asked me, “Between your mouthy sister and my mum, who needs help?” I told her in our culture, one stays far from their mother-in-law.

“What do you mean Dre?” She asked, “We are a modern family and do not follow those old traditions. In any case what doesn’t my mother know about you? Didn’t she see you naked?”

That hurt me to the core. I had to control my reaction as it would have been tragic. I left and went to my parents’ home where I slept in my old house that’s still there.

When I return today to my home, either Fiolina or her mother will have to leave. Not both. I don’t want to be remembered as the first man to send away his wife and mother-in-law at the same time!

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