My depression diary — a blessing in disguise

Motherhood is what most girls grow up looking forward to, but it has its surprises that can leave one battered physically and emotionally.

At the height of Covid-19 pandemic in 2020, Waruguru wa Kiai was a new mother to her second born daughter, but she did not enjoy the thrills of motherhood as she suffered postpartum depression.

Every day was characterised with tears, sadness and despair that made her resentful towards life and her own body. Then she started having suicidal thoughts. In this struggle, she not only suffered from migraines and emotional pain but also strained her relationships. Months into giving birth, Ms Kiai said she had a cluttered mind that wanted to be present everywhere and emotions were so overwhelming that she found herself operating from the trenches of pain, anger and resentment all the time.

“It started with my second child when it struck me as odd that I slept a lot and when my baby cried, my motherly instincts did not kick in as fast as I expected… I found myself crying a lot and wanting to be by myself and questioning my will to live,” she says.

“Some days I would wake up with bursts of energy, other days I would struggle to get out of bed,” she says.

With no proper diagnosis to what was happening to her, she found solace in oversharing. This meant talking to anyone who cared to listen to her ordeal. In hindsight, Ms Kiai said she was looking for an outlet to make sense of her reality that looked bleak.

“There was no reprieve and the emotional tugging with a reality I could not escape became so difficult. I remember slapping my cab guy (taxi driver) several times and I still wonder how we are still friends to date. I had lost my mind and it was working,” she says.

She recalls sharing her challenges with the caretaker of her residence or her taxi driver, but she did not get the respite she sought. A friend then recommended seeking the services of a psychotherapist to ease the load she carried.

“Sometimes I wanted to sleep for days and other times I wanted to talk endlessly to anyone that cared to listen. However, my friend noticed I was aloof and out of touch with reality and recommended I seek psychological help,” she says.

And so to complement her therapy sessions, she started diarising her journey with motherhood on her Facebook page. The public journal on her experience with postpartum depression saw her feted by Zuri Awards as the overall winner in the Arts and Culture category, two weeks ago.

Her Facebook page ‘Village Girl Thoughts and Dream’ that has amassed a following of over 200,000 people is humorously detailed with personal experiences, anecdotes and advocacy while she capitalises on her skill as a lawyer and a poet.

 As days went by and with determination to heal, she learnt that healing was not linear that a few therapy sessions would help, rather she had to persistently show up for herself in every form and shape.

 And with no respite in any of her self-care activities, she decided to publicly share her struggle with self-esteem, her physique, and feelings towards her reality and motherhood on social media.

 “One day I woke up, stripped bare in front of the mirror and felt a sudden surge to apologise to myself. I had neglected myself and looked unkempt. I was not eating enough to sustain myself and my baby,” she says.

 Her decision to go public with her journey started with affirming herself while facing the mirror and journalling.

 “I was seeking help from the public. I did not want to feel like I am going through this alone,” she says of her depression diary that she penned for a year.

 On her first post about the postpartum depression she suffered, Ms Kiai was met with overwhelming support from other women and criticism in equal measure; with most bashing her for exposing herself and speaking about something that was not novel.

 “I was encouraged and told to keep going and lean to God, while others reminded me I was not the first woman to give birth… they said, other women before had given birth and were not whining,” she says. “Others said I was clout chasing and being a weakling.”

 At the time, she was vulnerable and would resort to endless hours of crying in solitude even when the majority of the comments and messages were supportive. The hate comments seemed to sip into her mind more than the affirmations, she says.

 “But having my story out there made me feel validated and seen. I was comforted by the thought that I was not experiencing an abnormality. I created a community that helped thousands of other women going through the same,” she says.

 She adds: “Writing was an outlet. I was writing from a place of vulnerability and also learning how other women have overcome it… there is a shame associated with postpartum depression that creates a space of exclusion and loneliness.”

During this phase she narrated that she was present in body, lost in thought, emotionless and overcome with unexplained sadness against the expectation of what a mum ought to be and feel like.

“Initially, it was hard bonding with them. I always felt tired, scared, and aloof. All I wanted was to sleep. I cried when the babies cried, I cried when Netflix took a long to load, I cried because there was no enough noise to bring me back from the hole I was in, I cried that I could not burn things and not be arrested. I cried,” she says.

 According to Ms Kiai, the nanny taking care of her children was the first person who noticed that something was amiss with her behaviour and called in her mother who was with her throughout the process.

“A support system is important because they help you bloom without judgment, ridicule or burden you with societal expectations,” she says.

Growing up, Ms Kiai said women were seen as symbols of valour, that the more a woman endured the more she was seen as an icon with no room to exhale and check in with themselves.

Giving an example with her mother, saying her entire life has been spent taking care of everybody else due to societal expectations that did not consider the vulnerabilities and challenges of women.  “This stature of strength denied mothers the opportunity to raise their voice and ask for help, especially after giving birth… newborn mothers who suffered fatigue, sadness or inability to bond with the baby were told to pull themselves together, which can be detrimental to one’s health,” she says.

Postpartum depression is prevalent; affecting over 30 per cent of new mothers in Kenya.

When Ms Kiai started sharing her story on Facebook, women commented under her posts religiously; recounting their memories with depression after giving birth; with most saying they felt shame and dejected.

 “Most of the women wished they had received professional help to navigate past their mental health challenges. Others felt stuck in loneliness, were isolated, fatigued and neglected but they had to keep up a strong face because that is what is expected,” she says.

At first she thought going to therapy would be hard for her, thinking her ego and pride would come in the way of her desperate need for help.

But opening up without fear of judgment helped her solve a conundrum that had rocked her life for about one year.

 “I was relieved and knew I wanted better for myself and my children. There was no shame in what people would say even when I started the depression diary. It was about me and getting my balance back. I could process my fears, anxieties in whatever format I chose, including having a public journal,” she says.

A lot of women who sympathised with her experience also shared their ordeal with postnatal depression on Facebook, shedding a light on the challenges that women faced after giving birth.

A majority stated that they had at least once thought of harming or killing their baby to have some bit of peace and for Ms Kiai having people relate and echo back her struggles with encouragement provided an anchor of sorts in her journey.  Ms Racheal Mwangi posted that the first six months after giving birth to her daughter were “a phase of total darkness.”

“My first one could not stop crying. One night a small voice told me to hurl the misery into a wall and be done with it. But the spirit of the ancestors prevailed and I put the little thing with the big mouth on a mat on the floor and called my mother for help at 2am,” she says, receiving many congratulatory messages.

Another mother, Yolanda Adams adds: I lost it so many times… I remember one night in January the baby could not stop crying at night. I dropped him in his cot and slapped him several times and got into my bed and started crying. If it was not for my parents, especially my mother, I would have ended it; mine and my son’s life.”

Grace Belinda says: “During my first pregnancy I told my husband I was going through PPD and he told me that only happens in movies. It was my friend who stayed with me and kept me busy and took me for walks. Let us normalise checking up on each other after delivery.”

 Other women also congratulated her for having the courage to speak about something that the society frowns up or is looked at as a taboo.

Ms Kiai pleads with the government to provide postpartum after care packages such as therapy cover under the National Health and Insurance Fund (NHIF) to cushion mothers who sink into depression after giving birth in both the private and public health facilities.

“The charges for therapy is Sh5, 000 per hour. Not so many women can afford that… it is prudent for the government to bridge this gap because women are suffering in silence,” she says, adding that acquiring therapy services in public facilities is strenuous due to shortage of personnel.

Going forward, she says, the award encourages her to write more issues affecting women and people across all spectrums.

“My platform gave women an outlet to share their experiences with motherhood and how emotionally drained they were with no one to come to their aid. I believe that is what led to me winning this award… I was nominated by those women whose experiences I verbalised… those women who got courage to speak about their experiences and be heard,” she says.

To reconnect with her children, she started extending cuddling time with them on her bed and read bedtime stories regardless of how tired she felt.

“I prioritised presence as my bonding tool… I was intentionally patient and exercising self-restraint especially when I felt overwhelmed with angry emotions.

Throughout her healing journey, Ms Kiai says she has learnt that motherhood is a delicate balancing act.

She is proud that she has created “a community of women and men who find a space to speak about what they are going through in life without fear of being judged or shamed.”

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