Sometimes we pick the wrong partner just to avoid being alone, but that never works because marriage means moving into another part of our lives where we swap our frivolous single life for family responsibilities, a long commute and annoying children.
We all seem pretty normal to someone who doesn’t know us well. And we all, single people especially, truly believe that we’re easy to get along with. But actually we all have a few crazy habits. And we tend not to talk about them, so no one ever tells you about the things that make them hard to live with!
Dating couples try hard to find out about stuff like that, of course, but it’s impossible to find out everything, so at the beginning of almost every marriage, the couple often don’t know about the things that will cause trouble later.
It wasn’t always like that because in days gone by, most people married someone who lived close by, from a family they’d known all their lives. They chose one another for all sorts of practical reasons, like their families owned land next to one another, or were running successful businesses. And in the past, no one expected that getting married had anything to do with happiness. So they just got on with life together. Some were happy, but many weren’t.
But nowadays we think that couples should marry because they’re in love, and that they should be happy together. Clearly, that idea is not working out too well.
Mostly that’s because being happily married isn’t that simple. Like our brains are most comfortable doing whatever we were familiar with as small children. But that might have included feeling scared of your parents, being deprived of their warmth, or feeing unable to confide in them.
So we often reject a mature and reliable date because that feels unfamiliar. And go instead for someone ‘exciting,’ who also turns out to be scary, cold or unapproachable. Because subconsciously our brains prefer what we experienced as children.
Sometimes we pick the wrong partner just to avoid being alone. Or to make the excitement of dating permanent, but that never works because marriage means moving into another part of our lives where we swap our frivolous single life for family responsibilities, a long commute and annoying children.
But the strange thing is that it doesn’t really matter if you marry someone who’s got a few crazy habits. So long as you stop expecting your spouse to be faultless, or to meet all your needs.
Because every possible partner will frustrate or disappoint you sooner or later. And you’ll do the same to them. That’s normal, and not grounds for divorce, so stop expecting perfection, and instead figure out how to get along with each other’s craziness.
Because the best couples are never a flawless match. That’s just not possible. Instead, you want a partner whose habits are compatible with yours. Who can turn your differences into strengths? Who’s good at handling disagreements?
Because good couples cope with each other’s craziness by seeing the humour in their flaws. And becoming kinder and more forgiving towards one another. Because love is something you work towards. Not something that just happens.
