When you and your partner have mismatched desires
There’ll be moments when all you want from your partner is some affection
Most newlyweds imagine themselves effortlessly making love all the time. All through their lives. They’re usually disappointed, of course. Because even in the best relationships, making love doesn’t always come naturally.
There’ll be moments when all you want from your partner is some affection. And plenty of occasions when you quite simply don’t have the slightest desire for intimacy. Perhaps you’re exhausted, for example, or worried, and all you want to do is sleep.
But if you find that you’re never in the mood for love, then that’s another matter entirely. Maybe you’ve started going through the motions because you don’t feel able to say ‘No.’ Or because it’s the only way you can get a good cuddle. Mismatched desire is a common problem in almost every relationship. But if it’s happening all the time, then you should ask yourself why.
And don’t let it go on too long. Because sooner or later it leads to resentment on both sides. Your partner’s desire will also start to disappear and you’ll probably gradually stop being intimate altogether.
There are lots of possible reasons for not feeling amorous. Stress, tiredness or even quite mild illnesses, for example. Sometimes hormone or dietary problems. And of course more serious issues like depression, a bad self-image, physical or emotional abuse, now or in the past. Relationship problems such as anger, arguments or misunderstandings can become a huge barrier.
And the usual solution, a drink to ‘loosen yourself up,’ might help once in a while, but won’t work long term if the underlying issues aren’t tackled. It’s worth ignoring a simple lack of interest just once in a while because once you’ve started you’ll often find you get into the mood. But don’t ignore the feelings themselves, or they’ll just go on getting worse.
Almost everyone struggles with the idea of talking about this sort of problem. But it’s far better to take a deep breath, start explaining to your partner how you’re feeling and ask for their help.
For example, if you think you’re suffering from stress, depression or any other psychological issues, talk about them with your partner and if necessary seek professional help. If there’s a relationship difficulty that’s getting in the way, say so and talk it out. If there’s a physical reason, discuss ways to put it right. So, if your usual position has become uncomfortable, which often happens as we get older, then try some new ones. If it’s become boring, try lots!
If falling oestrogen levels have made things a bit dry, use a lubricant. If your partner’s not touching you in the right way anymore, then say so! Ask for exactly what you need and show your partner precisely what you mean. You’ll quickly start enjoying yourselves! Above all, take responsibility for your own pleasure. Mismatched desire is no one’s fault, it’s a shared problem. Solve it together, and life’s going to be lots more fun.
