If there is any sibling of mine that you all know very well, it’s Caroline Awinja—the one who follows me on the back, and Mwisho wa Lami’s self-declared Minister for Misinformation, Miscommunication and Broadcasting Lies.
Four years younger than me, Caro grew up just fine—always smiling, always talking—and we’ve loved her dearly. And hoped she loved us back.
However, as a family, we recently found ourselves with no other option but to declare her persona non grata. Yes, you heard me right— we expelled Caro from the family!
Now, some of you may remember that a few years ago, Caro took the very strange step of resigning from the family. I still don’t understand the concept of resigning from a family—this is not government! But Caro went ahead, typed a long message full of emotion on the family WhatsApp group, and exited like she was stepping down from a ministerial position.
But as you know, nature—and gossip—abhors a vacuum. Within a few months, either because she was lonely or lacked a platform to spread her stories, she slowly crept back into the WhatsApp group ... and into the family fold. That is, until last month, when she threw another tantrum and stormed out again. As usual, two weeks later, she was back chatting in the group as if nothing had happened.
But last weekend, following a special sitting of our Family Central Management Committee (comprised of my father, my sister Yunia and myself), we decided we needed to take decisive action. It was Yunia who called for the conclave and tabled detailed evidence on why Caro’s behaviour had become a national crisis.
“Unless we do something, Caro will continue bringing shame to this family,” she said. “We can’t have someone who speaks ill of everyone and listens to no one.”
After long deliberations, we made a unilateral and final decision that Caro was to be permanently removed from all family WhatsApp groups. That she was banned from visiting any of our homes. And that no family member was to communicate with her via call, SMS, WhatsApp, smoke or any other known form of transmission.
Ever since her useless husband Maskwembe brought stolen cows as dowry, we have become the laughing stock of Mwisho wa Lami and beyond. And it’s not just because the cows were stolen from Hitler, a respected villager and chairman of our throat drought support group—but also because this shame has forced me and my father to avoid Hitler’s altogether. These days, we hide in Cosmas Bar and Restaurant, the only place we can “water our throats”—though, with our current financial standing, we can only afford to inhale the drinks—and hope a well-wisher will remember us.
Wherever we go, people point fingers and whisper: “Those are the ones who arranged for cow theft from Hitler.” To make it worse, Anindo, the wife of Nyayo, who is still in police cells, is very mad with us, and came the other day begging us to help get her husband released. How now?
Washing family linen in public
Caro doesn’t have a filter. If you say something in private, expect it to trend on village Twitter (a.k.a. the market gossip circuit) by evening. As the Minister for Broadcasting Lies, she feels unwell if she goes a day without telling someone else’s story. When I had a small disagreement with Fiolina, she told everyone. When Fiolina once locked me out of the house after suspecting I had been at Bensouda’s, she shared that too—even with school children.
When Rumona, Tito’s wife, was allegedly caught in a compromising position with a prison warden in Kitui, Caro broadcast it. When Yunia and her husband fought over chapati thickness, Caro told the whole village. Even Ford, my brother, hasn’t forgiven her. One time when he came into some money and tried to secretly enjoy village life, it was Caro who leaked the intel to the police. If that’s not a reason for expulsion, what is?
Caro is the chief architect of internal chaos. She once told people that Electina and Honda, my brother Tocla’s children, are Fiolina’s daughters. That alone nearly created an Israel-Iran situation in our home. She told the world that Yunia’s husband was a useless man, and ever since, relations between he and Yunia have never been the same again.
Rumona hasn’t visited home since her Kitui episode went public. Even Ford’s downfall is traceable to Caro’s loose tongue. She doesn’t just gossip—she detonates emotional grenades and walks away humming.
Marrying the useless Maskwembe
From day one, we told her that Maskwembe was not the right man. Not because we knew him—but because of how she married him. Imagine this: one day, she left the kitchen, crossed the road, and eloped with him, leaving the sukuma wiki unattended to. She claimed she was attracted to his “swagger”—an oversized blue Savco jeans and two shiny polyester shirts. That’s it. That’s all he owned after decades in Nairobi.
Every year—every single year—like clockwork, Maskwembe beats her, and she runs back home crying. We console her, cook for her, and advise her not to return. The next morning, she says she’s going to the market, and next thing we know, she’s back with Maskwembe. This year’s dowry embarrassment, involving stolen cows, was the last straw.
Growing up, we were told that some people’s money did not see the sun—mkono birika , they’re called. Caro is their chairlady. She has never given me even a single cent. Not even a sweet.
Every time she visits, she insists we pay her boda boda fare. When she’s leaving, it’s even worse—she wants shopping, maize, beans, airtime, and we pay the boda boda to take her home. And even after you give all that, she’ll still ask for money. “Unakata niingie kwangu bila kitu kwa mfuko?”
Yet to this day, no one in our extended family can say they’ve received even salt from her.
While there are many other reasons, these five are the pillars that led to her exile. Some people will say this is washing dirty linen in public. We asked ourselves: If it was one of us being expelled, what would Caro do? Exactly. She would have told the whole world. So let her taste her own medicine.
The Central Management Committee will meet again in a year’s time to review her case. If, and only if, she shows improvement, we may consider reinstating her. But for now, Caro must stay in familial Siberia. Let her reflect. Let her detox. Let her go broadcast lies to the hyenas!
