How we cope with quarter-life crisis

The crisis is characterised by an avalanche of worry, feeling lost as one is unsure of the life they want to live. It’s a mild form of middle-life crisis that comes knocking at the prime of youth. For young professionals the crisis makes them feel trapped in some form of commitment as opposed to them expecting their 20s to be full of fun and merrymaking.  The typical sufferer is “highly driven and smart, but struggling because they feel they’re not achieving their potential or feeling they’re falling behind.

If you're feeling a little lost, experts advise that you should start by dropping comparisons with others, finding your passion, setting realistic goals, and seeking professional help if you are too overwhelmed. 

Also read: The rise and rise of Airin Madalina

My Network spoke to those in their 20s on the subject matter.  

Arsaine Nyale, 25

Former Bar Manager

“I thought I had everything figured out until all my plans halted. About two months ago, I was a bar manager and was planning on marrying my girlfriend of one and half years but after an unfortunate series of events, I am now single and back at my parent’s place with no Job. 

I hit rock bottom in a span of two months and now, I am uncertain about the future. I’m anxious about life, especially with the country’s hard economic scene. 

“Why is it that when it’s finally my time to be an adult, everything is 100 times tough than it was when I was a child?” I ask myself. While it was a combination of many things that led to my current predicament, I’m terrified of starting life all over again. 

I am trapped in this crisis, and I’m wondering how I am going to get through. I am trying to re-strategise and figure out life afresh. 

In my early 20s, I lived in the moment but at 25, I have to think before I act, as my parents no longer consider me a child and they have certain expectations. There is pressure. I wonder if I will have established myself or have had meaningful accomplishments by the time I am 30. This weighs heavily on my heart. I don’t want to be deemed a failure. 

Whenever I see my mates thriving, I can’t help but compare myself. I find myself wondering if I am the only one at the bottom of the barrel. I have, however, learnt to remind myself that we can’t be all at the same level in life.  

I feel it’s good that this crisis has happened now when I still have time to figure things out and learn from the mistakes I have made. I recently started therapy and after some sessions, I see life from a different perspective. I’m more appreciative of the things I have achieved rather than focus on what I am yet to do. I’m positive and take each day as it comes.

I’m cultivating resilience and should I go through a similar experience later in life, I will know how to navigate through without losing my mind or feeling hopeless and defeated.”

Heather Wanzila, 26

A sciences teacher and founder Ignite Vijana Initiative 

“Three months ago, my life was in turmoil. I had sleepless nights and cried a lot. I was in crisis as I questioned everything about life. I didn't know what the next day or the future held.

‘When does it get better? Does it only get bitter and bitter?’  Such questions bombarded my mind every day. 

Adulthood was hard. I didn’t know where to draw the line because the happy moments were fleeting while the tough times were persistent. There was a small voice in my head belittling my success and making me feel like a failure. 

I was uncertain about the future. I had moved out of my parent's place and had to fend for myself. Then I lost my job. At this time. I found myself alone as even those I asked for help needed assistance too. 

It is a culture shock as you try to get a footing in life as you risk sleeping hungry or facing a house eviction due to unpaid rent. This crisis has taught me that I should have my own back because people do have their own problems.

The crisis has meant that I stay off relationships because I don’t want to pile pressure on someone. I once relied on a close ally to help me secure a job and he quickly told me, “If you never met me, what would you have done?” That statement made me fault myself for asking for help. 

I have, however, learnt to trust the process even though there was pressure from family. 

I have to some extent managed to overcome the crisis after getting a job but still, there is uncertainty, especially with the economy. I have learnt that sometimes in life you do not get to choose, life chooses for you. 

I think everything you go through in life brings you to the moment you are in right now. You learn that there are times and seasons for everything. If you are undergoing this crisis phase, use your skills to generate some income for yourself.”

Emmanuel Komen, 25

Economics graduate, intern

“I have been stuck in a rut for quite some time. It’s a stressful phase. 

This is the time that you feel you’re getting older but not getting anywhere in life. You’re not making anything, you are an intern getting meagre pay, or you are trying to figure out how you will invest and you lack the capital to do so. Your hopes of even travelling abroad for opportunities are a mirage. 

The real world is unwelcoming and its embrace is cold. I used to think it was a joke for a grownup to lack Sh100 but now it’s an awakening reality. 

I am anxious about my career. I had advisers who assured me that if I took an economics course, I would have more chances but after completion, I got no job. The job market is flooded with connections being the way out for a chosen few.   At some point, you feel like you wasted time and should have instead used the fees to start a business. 

Soon, you will be thinking of having a family and you don’t even have the money. 

I cannot find solace in relationships since no girl will consider my proposal with no money. Dating today is transactional. 

If you have a stable job by 25 then it is the best stage in life. However, if you lack money, you will not know peace as the pressure exerted might be overbearing. After 25, monetary support stops and nobody no longer cares how you put food on the table. 

I can’t help but question myself when I see my mates leading flashy lifestyles and I wonder, when will my turn to be clapped for come?” 

Hillary Barsongol, 24

Digital marketer

“At 24, I envisioned having a firm lead over my life.  Doing an internship at this age is not something I expected earlier in life.

I often ask myself what’s the point of life. I am not even sure that I’m happy with my current profession and job. I always wanted to be a lawyer but detoured to digital marketing as it’s touted to be the future. I don’t have an exact course of action to take. I am just following where it leads me. 

I live a week at a time. I would like to get a permanent position. Job security is key as the Kenyan job market is very unpredictable. You might be the best at what you do but won’t get the job. 

Will I still be financially insecure by the time I’m 28? What happens if I don’t get a permanent job? I am anxious about what to do if things don’t work out. 

I am skeptical about relationships as someone who is in a period of uncertainty. Relationships are like flowers, today they are blooming, and the next day, they are withering. I am cautious about delving in. I don’t want to invest myself fully just in any case my partner leaves. 

I worry about not being at par with my mates. Still, I am giving myself the chance to grow as an individual. My parents although supportive are breathing fire down my neck with expectations.

I have a lot of questions in my head as I undergo this crisis. What if I fail? I often ask myself.  I’m learning to do my best and work hard. I am focusing on myself, taking risks and hoping to capitalise on opportunities that come my way.” 

Brian Bolo, 28 

Teacher and Poet

“Quarter-life crisis in your 20 is tricky. It’s a critical stage in life though as you learn to be accountable to yourself. You have to make decisions based on intuition and not mere advice from people. 

In as much as I approached adulthood with an open mind and regarded it as an adventure, I have countless times questioned the course my life is taking. I find myself looking at my friends who were not as smart or talented in school but have accomplishments. There is also pressure from family as they compare you to a successful mate. This comparison makes you wonder if you are in the right career or if it’s just your life that is stagnating. 

I have not really unraveled the mystery that is life but I’m halfway through actualising the dream of who I want to be. I don’t like how society has guidelines on how we are supposed to progress despite us not knowing ourselves well enough. 

I have mixed feelings about my career. I always wanted to be a journalist but ended up as a literature teacher. I am gaining new experiences and chances are, I might not align with what I wanted to be as a child. 

I am trapped in my current job, it’s not permanent but at least I’m able to fend for myself. But then there is the idea of self-actualisation that I’m yet to realise. I am not emotionally and psychologically okay with my status quo.

Whilst in this crisis, I think one finds themselves getting into relationships because they feel the need to but not because they want that person. This is fueled by the constant reminder that you are getting old and you should be settling down.” 

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