Attraction can fade quietly, sometimes without warning, and often without blame. You might notice a shift – less affection, fewer compliments, and emotional distance that wasn't there. It’s painful, confusing, and can leave you questioning your worth or the future of your marriage.
Barnabas and Grace Achoki, marriage and relationship coaches, say it is quite common.
“The reason is that attraction, especially the physical one, is what gets people together at first. But once you really get to know one another, that attraction wanes,” Barnabas tells Lifestyle. “But it wanes not necessarily because the other person has changed; it's just natural. If you become familiar with something, even a car, its initial attraction goes.”
Additionally, we have to remember that attraction is not just physical. It’s also emotional and intellectual, so that you may find that it’s not really about how your spouse looks that attracts you, but how they articulate themselves, their kindness, goodness, humility, spirituality, intellect, or the things they have that you don’t.
“A lot of times, for couples that only share a physical attraction, what happens is that if maybe one gets into an accident or age catches up with them, then the attraction really does wane,” Grace says.
But is attraction even important once two people are already married?
“Initially, yes, because it brings the two together, but you have to realise that over time it evolves. As you marry, this person will learn new things about life, some of which may be attractive, and others which may not. However, it is important to have something that attracts you to one another,” Barnabas says.
“And it’s good to note that it's not the attraction that makes you stay in marriage. It’s the commitment. Having something that attracts you to one another helps you to stick to the commitment you’ve made,” Grace adds.
So what are some of the signs that attraction has died?
“One of them is disconnection. You find that being around each other is not fun anymore. Because remember, when you are getting married, what attracts you is the connection, the bonding, the let's be together, the companionship. But when you see that this is fading away, it shows that the attraction is dying,” Grace states. “Another thing is familiarity. This is when you don't care much about what the other person is doing, and there’s a loss of interest, so that you no longer attend to them and their needs. And because familiarity breeds contempt, there's also that aspect of contempt.”
Another sign the expert highlights is loneliness.
“When you’re attracted to someone, you are drawn towards them. So if you start feeling lonely as a spouse, then could it be that the other person is not finding you attractive anymore?”
Grace also notes that reduced physical affection and intimacy could signal an attraction that’s on its deathbed.
“There might be other problems in the marriage, but if you find that you’re no longer physically interested in one another, there’s a loss in the comments that they make about you, or they are quiet about some of the things that you used to enjoy, then perhaps it’s a sign.”
She also warns about carelessness in words and deeds. Spouses are usually people whom one wants to honour and address in an endearing way. It’s not just anyone who receives names like “sweetie” or “honey”, she says. Therefore, if your spouse is talking or treating you in a disrespectful way, then there is a chance that their attraction level has diminished.
But how do spouses find themselves in a state of impoverished appeal?
“Attraction may die just because of familiarity. Men are attracted by what they see. The visuals are very key for the man. So as a lady, if you stop taking care of yourself once you’re married, the attraction may die,” Barnabas suggests. “For the women, it is the emotional side - the connection, spending time, and treating them well. If this is not there, then the man now feels less attractive to them.”
This problem could also lead to a communication breakdown between the two, which is another killer of allure. An example of how this can happen is if as a woman you’re waiting to hear from your husband, but he's always silent. He sees nothing, says nothing, and hears nothing, instead, he only looks at you like some piece of furniture or someone who’s just there to care for the children or the house, it could affect how much you’re drawn to him. And this could also spark a reaction from the man. When he sees that you're cold towards him, he becomes frustrated and could resort to treating you in a hurtful way, creating a cycle of dysfunction.
Barnabas also cautions against disrespect. “For a man, it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are, if you lack respect for him, he will not be attracted to you as a woman.”
When past hurts resurface
The other reason that the experts cite is past hurts.
“There are two things here: One is conflict, where somebody has been hurt by something that was said or done. Then there are also issues that have not been resolved over a long period of time, which can lead to resentment. Or it could even be that the issue was resolved, but there hasn’t been healing.”
Additionally, especially in the fast world that we live in today, the day-to-day priorities of life could also affect a couple’s attraction levels.
“You find that couples are not creating time for one another, so they become strangers in the home. And it’s not necessarily that the other priorities are bad, like work is needed to earn money and pay the bills, but it can cause a disconnection without even the couple noticing. So they’ll just move on with life until the children leave or they look up one day and, because it’s been a while, they find nothing to admire about each other.”
Third parties can also be detrimental to the attraction between a married couple. This could be the in-laws or an attraction to somebody else.
“When you're in an affair, and your spouse knows that you're attracted to somebody else, of course, it affects their attraction to you. Similarly, if you are attracted to someone else, it also affects your attraction to your spouse. So they may not even know that you’ve stepped out, but you will be affected.”
Another common reason that Grace and Barnabas raise an alarm over is the constant argument. “When handled properly, conflict is not bad. It can lead to deeper intimacy. But a constant push and pull is emotionally taxing and can negatively affect either party.”
On the flip side, when there’s no conflict at all, it could also cause problems. This is because one or both partners may have checked out of the relationship and don’t even want to help one another.
If you find yourself in a place where the attraction between you and your spouse is in the doghouse, the experts advise awareness first and foremost.
“Notice that this is happening and then try to talk about it without attacking the other person. So begin to address what you’ve noticed also because sometimes it may be just one person who is affected and the other may not even be aware that there is a problem.”
And if one-on-one conversation doesn’t seem to be making a headway, Barnabas recommends seeking professional help. “And make sure it’s professional help, don’t turn to your friends or family.”
And as a way to rekindle the attraction, Grace proposes starting with little things like appreciating and listening to one another. These, she says, make your partner feel valued, which could easily sprout into attraction once again.
“Then, try to bring laughter back into the home. Laughter relaxes the facial muscles, making it inviting, but if you harden your face, nobody will be attracted to you. In fact, your spouse will run from you,” Grace urges. “So look for intimate ways to have fun together.”
And this, of course, needs spouses to be intentional about creating time for another. The coaches encourage making time to talk, to check in with one another, and to discover common interests, things like farming together will bring back the bond.
They also caution against comparing one’s spouse to those belonging to other people, or the ones in movies. In this situation, they endorse an inward reflection because the issue is then likely not external.
Lastly, Barnabas mentions that acceptance goes a long way.
“People are different in terms of where we’ve come from, gender, how we are, and so on. But also, life has it that we are constantly evolving. We are not the same people we were in a different season. Therefore, if couples accept this instead of being defensive, it allows them to embrace changes, and this restores their bond.”
