I watched a disturbing clip of a young woman being kicked out of a car and then begging the man not to leave her.
First, whether you are my husband or lover, and I love you to my bones, if you try that with me, that is the day you will know this four-foot woman carries the warrior blood of her ancestors from Meru and Gabra. It is not pride. It is pure wrath, first, to teach you what your parents should have taught you about respect for other humans, and second, what you should have taught yourself: to be an honourable man.
That said, I did a course in trauma healing because I suspect I have lived with untreated heart wounds for far too long, like most of you, in fact, all of you. Amongst the many takeaways, I learned that no human is immune to trauma, and we all experience differing traumas, often, as we go through life. Sometimes, trauma is experienced when we are in utero. Can you imagine that? A foetus in its mother’s womb can experience trauma that will, later, dictate how it interacts with life. You know someone like that, yes?
I now identify my points of trauma, and fortunately, I can also spot a trauma-burdened, unhealed soldier from 17 km away. Trauma is transferable, like a baton. That is why it is important to identify it and seek healing. There are no bewitched families but deeply wounded ones. Each human has the power to break a cycle through their healing and then extend that to others. Today, I will share some of the signs of trauma.
Anger that flares up, its scope and depth unwarranted, is a sign of trauma. Anger is healthy. The one you kick a cat is not. Humans were not made to keep emotions inside. We were created as expressive beings. That is why we have artists and scientists who express themselves through their works. Check whether your anger is justified and expressed well or whether it is out of control, too frequent, and destructive.
Bitterness. It is the next level when anger is not dealt with healthily. Bitterness is demonstrated as toxic behaviour. Someone flares up, overreacts, and dumps on you. You are talking about the dimensions of a house, but the constructor is getting personal about the tiny changes they must make. They have issues with your language, your tone, your tribe, your name, even your height.
No accountability. They are incapable of self-reflection. Trauma kept them on alert mode 24/7/365; they did not develop the healthy coping tools to look inward. They will blame you if it rains too much or if the heat is too much, they will blame you for everything, including when they wake up with a headache.
Paranoia. The unwarranted distrust or suspicion of other people. Some of the signs could point to mental illness, so, only self-diagnose and seek help. Healing starts with you. I am particularly paranoid of people who use religiosity. Often, they use religion as a façade to win your trust before pouncing on you.
Seek to heal from your trauma and if you are married to someone who chooses not to face their trauma and heal, learn how to protect yourself, otherwise you will become them. Only, they will beat you with their experience. People looking to heal must be ready to go through a painful process of self-reflection, taking ownership and accountability, and starting from zero, building up. There are not many options, in fact, there are only two options. Heal, grow, and thrive, or disregard the pain, and the healing and get stunted, for life.
For the unmarried, choose the healed. Marriage is a place of growth, but people with unhealed trauma have made marriage a torturous place for their spouses and children. Premarital counselling does not prepare people to live with unhealed spouses. We only seek post-marital counselling five or ten years after realising that we are dying because of the marriage. By then, it is often too late because one of the partners is almost always not ready to take accountability for their healing and growth.
They will seek other ways to cope, such as adultery, substance abuse, and such destructive behaviour. When you live long enough, you will witness signs of trauma all around you. Let’s normalise healing our heart wounds to stop bleeding on others.
