By now you have heard of the term narcissism. These days it gets thrown around a lot, that it can be hard to pinpoint if you're dating a narcissist.
The official definition of a narcissist, according to the Mayo Clinic, is a person who often lacks empathy, acts entitled, arrogant, and prioritises themselves above all else. According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the prevalence in the general population for antisocial personality disorders is estimated at 3.3 percent while that of narcissistic personality disorder is as high as 6 percent.
"He used silence to blame me"
Muthoni Mukiri, 32, Former News Anchor, founder and CEO of Mukiri Hair Hub, fashion and design enthusiast
"I dated a narcissistic partner and I would never wish for anyone to go through such an experience. It was a total nightmare. My partner was verbally abusive which in this case entailed criticising, undermining, belittling, name-calling, and occasionally making demands and using sarcasm. This greatly affected my self-esteem and by the time I was leaving the relationship, I was a total mess.
The fear of being alone, low self-esteem, and lack of awareness that I was in an abusive relationship made me stay. My self-confidence and mental health were affected. The significant stress I faced triggered persistent feelings of nervousness, worry, and fear as I did not know what I would expect from him.
Too often, he denied his shortcomings, mistakes, and cruelties. I recall how he would project his faults to me and it was very upsetting to be blamed for something that was not my fault. If I disagreed with him, he would give me silent treatment and this made me feel ignored and excluded. He used silence to blame me and make me feel guilty.
He gave ultimatums when I failed to abide by his conditions. He did so with an absolute sense of entitlement.
Ending the relationship was never easy, since any time I tried to do so, he would love to bomb me with excessive compliments, flattery, and romance to lure and hook me into his web. As a result, I became disoriented by his manipulative behaviour.
One day, I decided to leave the relationship. I went through a very painful breakup and I had to go for therapy for three months. I learnt how to set boundaries so that no one would ever take advantage of me. The therapy helped me to rebuild my confidence and restored my self-esteem.
During my healing process, I realised that there was no local platform to help in my recovery journey. Therefore, I decided to start a YouTube Channel "Muthoni's Mission", which empowers people going through emotional and mental issues. I believe self-disclosure plays a vital role in building strong relationships. I have been sharing my personal experience of being with a narcissistic partner and the disclosure has been helpful to those going through similar experiences.
I am now in a happy healthy relationship. I would advise those stuck in narcissistic abuse to find a way out of the situation before it gets worse. Narcissists do not change and once he or she has sucked the life out of you, they move on to the next victim."
"He brought home the woman he was having an affair with and asked that we become friends"
Anastacia Wanjiku, 30, business lady
Anastacia Wanjiku, 30, business lady dated a narcisist Photo | Pool
"I was born and raised in Nairobi. At the age of seven, I lost my mother in the August 1998 bomb blast in Nairobi, and since then life has changed for my family. Two years after my mother died, my father remarried and we became a big family with three more siblings. We became a blended family.
My father played a major role in whom I am today. He taught me the value of hard work and I started managing his business in class four.
Growing up in a blended family was never easy. I recall few instances when my father and stepmother would fight and this affected my emotional and mental being. I became fearful and vulnerable for love.
I met the father of my baby in 2015, through a friend, and in 15 days, I had moved into his house. I never took time to evaluate whether or not this is the man I wanted for a husband. All I wanted is to have a sense of belonging.
The first year of marriage was good and the man showered me with love. I woke up every morning loving life and feeling ready for all life's adventures. Little did I know, the worst was yet to happen.
Soon after, I got pregnant with my daughter and my partner changed. He started mistreating me and would belittle me in front of his friends. It was a very painful experience.
The man became controlling and always demanded to know who I was talking to and where I was going. He set rules for me to follow and when I failed to abide by them, he would give me the silent treatment. I would apologise over and over to make right even in instances he was in the wrong. He belittled me and made me believe that, if I ever left him, I would never get another man like him.
I caught him cheating and after confronting him, he would shift the blame on me by stating that I was too insecure. He would bring home the woman he was having an affair with and demand we become friends. One time it was very cold and the man took the duvet I was using and gave it to his lover. Such experiences affected my self-worth and it took time to know that I deserved better.
Despite all the red flags I encountered, I stayed because I loved my daughter and I never imagined raising her without a father. He then turned violent and I remember bleeding heavily. I was so devastated and was prepared to leave but he begged me to stay. After six months, I decided enough was enough and I could not stand the manipulation and beatings.
I decided to move on with my life and cut all contact. I have been single for six years now, and I chose to heal and focus on my baby. It is hard being a single mother with no child support, but God healed me and I have forgiven him. The experience taught me to fully depend on God and pursue peace in all I do."
A word from a psychologist
Dr. Susan Gitau, a licensed psychologist says that the healing journey requires not just understanding your partner's limitation, but to take full responsibility for forgiving the abuser, yourself, as you work towards improving your life.
Dr. Gitau recommends therapy sessions. According to her, most victims are likely to go back to abusers especially when there is love bombing, which may create fantasies of being valued while in reality they are being abused.
