‘Men view me as a fantasy?’ Why dating as a little person can be ridiculous

We all know that dating is almost a game of musical chairs. It takes its toll on even the strongest of us. We all have our story of love.

For many little people, their tale can take many dramatic twists and turns. Finding love where objectification is rampant, fetishists persistent, messages bizarre and people label you as desperate and expect you to be grateful for the attention, can be off-putting to say the least. 

We spoke to four little women about their dating experiences.

‘I have met men who will tell me, they can’t marry me because we will be the talk of town’

Rose Wachira, 26 a single-mother based in Nairobi

“I have what is called achondroplasia dwarfism, a condition in which a person grows to what is viewed as normal height. Life wasn’t easy when growing up, as I became a source of entertainment to people. I got traumatised by the ugly names boys gave me such as ‘katumani’. In high school, I had this deep-seated belief that I wasn’t lovable because of my stature. I have encountered men who approach me on the streets and tell me, “I wouldn’t mind having sex with you, am sure it would be different.” 

It makes me wonder, ‘Am I a sex object?’

After college, I met a tall, dark, and handsome man and fell in love, and after three months, I got pregnant. As soon as I gave birth, he vanished and I have never seen him again. Till today, I don’t know why he left but I imagined he thought I would give birth to a dwarf. To date, I have raised my baby alone. I am glad he has normal height. 

The issue affected my self-esteem and I guard my heart from men who want to use me. My child gives me enough joy.”

‘Being short isn’t a barrier but a feature’

Ruth Kithama, 25 a business lady

“I am 3.34 feet and am the only one with this stature in my family. People would ridicule me because of my height and, I feared interacting with my peers as I felt they were too big. With time, I had to accept my condition. Luckily, I have been in relationships and my partners always appreciated me. I recall in one relationship; my boyfriend would tell the public that I was his daughter as a way of protecting me from harassment. At no time did I feel like I was unlovable.  Over the years, I have learnt that being short isn’t a barrier and unless I adjust my mindset, I will always live like a victim.

I have learnt to be strong and protect my peace at all costs. 

Some men express their desire to have sex with me just because I am little person, but I overlook such things because I believe I am unique. 

I have learnt that I cannot change how people view me but can decide how I react to their criticism. Though I am single, I look forward to dating and enjoying love.” 

‘Two boyfriends have left me for average-height women, and it pains’

Ann Wanjiru, 30, gospel artist and community activist

“It was at the age of five, that my parents knew I was different. I am the only one with short stature in my family. My mother was humiliated by her friends and I recall one incident when a neighbour told me ‘bado unatembea hivyo kafupi’ (are you still walking like that little person). 

When my mother passed on when I was six, the humiliation was shifted to my father who was very protective of me whenever anyone tried bullying me.

I never saw myself as different and I wasn’t even aware of it until my teenage years when others had growth spurts, and I was at 4-9 feet. 

At the age of 27, I met a man who was everything I hoped for. He was caring and loving and I was showered with affections, gifts and promises. I fell for him with all I had. 

After six months, the man would dodge our meetings claiming he was busy. At first, it appeared genuine as I excused his busy schedule. I remember his friends would sarcastically tease him that they will report him for child abuse because of dating me. I felt degraded, helpless, and wondered why I had to go through such humiliation. Unfortunately, the pressure was too much from his peers and after a few months he started posting photos of another lady in his social media accounts. So many questions lingered in my mind. “Was I really not good enough for him?”

Two years later, I went through a similar incident when my boyfriend left me for another woman. Prior to the break up, I wondered why he was not comfortable meeting me in public and would always demand I go and meet him in his house. He became busy for me and our communication vanished. I decided to let go. Still, I know one day I will meet my perfect match and I will not need to beg for attention.”   

‘I caught my ex-cheating, I fear dating again’

Diana Ngina, 30, a business lady

“I am 2’7 inches and this has affected my potential relationships and how I have viewed myself over the years. I am the only one of short stature in my family and while growing up, my friends would always ask me ‘Diana why are you so small?’. I have encountered so much criticism from the public with some not wanting to be associated with me. 

I am afraid of what men think of me, and I always worry they might ignore, tease, or treat me like a nobody, just like my previous relationship that ended in 2019. Memories of how I was dumped are still fresh on my mind as I caught him having sex with another woman and upon asking him why he was cheating on me, he answered, ‘I have never been interested in you!’. This was my first relationship and it drastically affected my esteem that since then, I have never dated. Sometimes I feel helpless and wish, ‘I wish I was tall, I would never face such a rejection!’. I have no choice but to accept my stature.”

From the expert

The world of little people has historically held deep-rooted distrust for taller people in dating. But “attitudes have changed’ according to Ruth Mueni, the vice-chairperson for The Short Stature Society of Kenya, an organisation that offer support for those with more than 200 forms of dwarfism. “Though there has been stigma linked to little people in the dating field, things are getting better because about 50 percent are in relationships with average-sized people. However, we have had cases of people struggling with crushingly low self-esteem and depression after their relationship sours,” she says.

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