We got this! Single mothers write to others like them

Dear single mum,

Becoming a single mother wasn’t my initial plan. I found myself adjusting to this new reality after separating from my boyfriend when my second son was just three months old.

During this transition, I moved back to my parents’ home to be closer to work and I never returned to living with my boyfriend. This period involved a lot of wishful thinking and waiting, a phase I hope you can bypass more swiftly.

As a single mother, parenting is ever the hardest knack to crack and sometimes you can snap at your children.

So, what really helped me was enrolling in a parenting class “Raising Future Parents” when my lastborn came.

These classes were a revelation. They taught me to approach parenting more intentionally and to manage my expectations without frustration.

I learnt to embrace my children’s uniqueness and to foster an environment where mistakes were part of learning, rather than reasons for disappointment.

Also Read: My big problem with the ‘single mother’ tag

Should you shelve your career goals? As a career woman, I have always ensured that my professional aspirations were not compromised by my role as the sole caregiver.

My career involves extensive travel, which I’ve tackled with passion, ensuring reliable care for my children during my absences. Remarkably, I pursued my bachelor’s degree at the University of Nairobi in 2006, while pregnant with my second born.

He was born at the end of that semester, yet I didn’t defer any semesters, graduating with a second class, upper division, in 2010.

Similarly, I embarked on my Master’s degree in 2013 while expecting my third child, living by the motto, “If you want something badly enough, nothing, not even pregnancy or single parenthood, can stop you.”

One of the lessons I learnt later as a single mother is the critical importance of financial management.

I advise starting to save as early as possible—be it an education plan or a simple savings account.

Also Read: When mothers become their daughter's enemy

We often postpone saving, waiting for a “stable job” or “more money”, but the right time is always now. Even a small amount, like Sh100, can make a significant difference in the future.

What about values? Imparting values such as faith, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness is paramount to me.

Each day, I take the opportunity to bond with my children during our morning and evening commutes, discussing their concerns and the highlights of their day.

We begin our mornings with prayer in the school parking lot and ensure regular church attendance, which keeps us grounded in our faith. In the evenings, we gather in my bedroom or theirs to share our day’s experiences and aspirations for the next day before our bedtime prayers.

This ritual, which started during Covid, has continued to be a highlight of our days.

Sandra Mulluka, mum of three boys (20,18,11)

CAROL

Don’t let people treat you as a needy case

Dear fellow single mum,

Being a single mother, especially at a young age, often turns out to be a blessing in disguise, which perfectly summarises my situation. Initially, I faced significant challenges in securing a job due to my poor results in the KCSE exam.

Instead of succumbing to self-pity, I seized an opportunity to return to high school for two years to improve my grades, hoping to pave the way to university. During this time, my daughter was lovingly cared for by my family.

I am currently pursuing my degree and looking forward to graduating soon. Indeed, it takes a village to raise a child, and in my case, my mother and siblings have been my staunchest supporters.

Our home is always filled with family members, and when they cannot be around, neighbours have stepped in to watch over my daughter if she arrives home from school before I do.

This strong network of support is something I advise all single mothers to cultivate. Maintaining good relationships with neighbours, friends, and your children’s teachers can provide crucial support.

Also Read: Meet Nellie Shani, pastor whose mother was a witch doctor

If these options aren’t available, remember that children grow and gain independence faster than you might expect. So, hang in there and keep adapting as needed.

It’s a common misconception that single mothers are charity cases. I recall rejecting a man’s advances, only to be told, “Well, I just wanted to help you since no man wants to date a single mother.”

While such comments can be hurtful, don’t let them define you. You are more than a stereotype, and the choices you’ve made for yourself and your children are valid and commendable.

Decision-making as a single parent comes with its challenges. Balancing firmness with openness to suggestions has been a learning curve for me.

From deciding on simple things like the colour of my daughter’s crocs to more significant decisions like school choices, I’ve had to stand firm and yet be receptive.

My daughter, now 10 years old, is increasingly involved in decisions that affect her, from her birthday party themes to her fashion choices, empowering her and enhancing our bond.

Carol Maina, mother of a 10-year-old girl

GRACE

Do not over-rely on the baby daddy for money

Dear resilient single mum,

Stigma and judgement are sometimes inevitable as a single mother, and you may find yourself losing friends, but your primary responsibility is to step up for your child.

Initially, I doubted my capability to handle this. What helped me is to approach situations logically.

I concluded that being a mum and not being with the baby’s father wasn’t anyone else’s fault, and I had no control over what others thought.
With that in mind, I tempered my expectations from people, including my family.

Everyone has their own expectations and limitations, and they can become disappointed, tired, or overwhelmed, unable to meet what I might think they should offer.

Additionally, I learnt to depend on God, whose closeness became a cornerstone of my strength in the early months of single parenthood, acting as a friend, counsellor, guide, and father.

The fear of the unknown initially seemed overwhelming, particularly because I was still a student and the eldest child, aware that my relationship with my father would change dramatically.

Financial and material preparations were minimal due to my uncertainties.

However, the arrival of my daughter transformed everything. Although my father was initially very upset, his anger subsided when he met her.

He quickly developed a tight bond with her, and it was evident he was happy despite the circumstances.

Knowing this would have allowed me to prepare better emotionally and mentally, focusing more on welcoming my daughter than fearing the unknown. This anxiety often manifested in unhealthy ways, affecting my eating and stress levels during pregnancy.

While it’s okay to depend on financial support, it’s crucial to establish your own sources of income. Relying extensively on the baby’s father can be tedious and uncertain.

Therefore, securing an income, saving, investing, insuring your child’s education, and following a budget are essential steps to ensure your and your child’s well-being.
 
Grace Kairu, mother of an 8-year-old girl

JOYCE

I have had to ensure my daughters don’t repeat my mistakes

Dear powerful single mum,

Being a single mother is indeed a full-time job that demands constant attention and cannot be delegated. This reality hit me hard as I didn’t fully grasp it at the outset of my journey.

My pivotal moment came during a retreat mid-way through my parenting years, which profoundly changed my outlook on life.

I learnt to meditate, set boundaries, protect my sanity, pray, and most importantly, to prioritise my own needs alongside those of my children.

This balance allowed me to be both a friend and a parent, teaching me that I am the captain of our ship, and my decisions determine whether we stay afloat or sink.

Being a single mother can lead you to personal growth and positive outcomes.

As a single mother living in the informal settlement of Obunga in Kisumu County, I lived in a mud house, thieves stole my possessions, then when I moved to a better house, there was no privacy, nobody cared what the kids were learning.

The crime rates were high, the defilement and rape that went unreported, the gangs, the fighting for wire lines, the sharing of toilets, there was never space for me-time.

This built a desire in me to have my own place, a place my children could call home.

I needed to reset the mind of my children, I needed to shape their outlook by changing the environment. It was a burning desire. I bought my own piece of land and put up a small house and I moved my kids to a renowned private school.

This took all my muscle but looking back, it was the leap that shaped me.
Because parenting can sometimes feel like you are the alpha and omega, I became partners with my children, I involved them.

I was open about my failures, particularly in relationships, and set clear boundaries to protect my daughters from repeating my mistakes.

For my son, finding male mentors was crucial as he approached adolescence. Our home operated on principles from the movie Fireproof: “You don’t leave your partner even in a fire.”

However, since you can never pour from an empty cup, I took on some self-care duties to ensure that my mental health is in check.

I do quarterly pilgrimages to Heaven’s Gate and regular sessions with a therapist who helps me navigate my fears and challenges.

My children are also my greatest cheerleaders, pushing me to become the best version of myself. I read books. It’s my hiding place.

I watch movies to break the monotony. I’m a cleaning freak especially to unclog my brain. I do yoga. I dance a lot every morning from 5am.

I have a gospel playlist. I visit book clubs, I cook. I make my nails and hair bi-monthly.

I love my nails and hair routine. Every Sunday afternoon, I lock everyone out or send them swimming or any errand, I switch off all electronics and lights, then I lie down on the floor to hear my breathing and reboot.

We take breakfast and dinner as a family so if it’s ready at 7am, everyone wakes up.

On Sunday evening, we do family reflections and apologise for mistakes and get praises for the good things.

Joyce Wambare, mother of four ( 24, 23, 19,10)