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Why marriage no longer feels like a good deal for many men
Many people walk into marriage as halves, hoping the other person will complete them.
Jeff Israel Nthiwa has heard this story many times. Men walking into his office, sitting down, and explaining, in careful detail, why marriage does not make sense for them right now. Jeff is a breakthrough and relationship coach, running Destiny Life Coaching, a centre that trains coaches in relationships, mindset, and business.
“Marriage equals pain to most men,” he says of the growing trend of men in their 30s and 40s steering clear of marriage. “The math they are doing is financial, emotional, and sometimes even legal. The question the common man is asking is, ‘will marriage make my life better or more complicated?”
He says most men look at the marriages around them and not so many model love and longevity. He talks of research suggesting that men's quality of life goes down when they enter marriage. Not because marriage is bad, he is quick to say, but because many men go in expecting to receive love and end up feeling like they are only there to give it.
“A man should never get married expecting to be loved,” he says. “This is not a transaction of love. If you have matured enough to give out of unconditional love, where you are not expecting anything back, then you are ready for marriage. But a man who expects nothing in return is a man in his 70s. That is why marriages are not working. We have not trained our women to love men.”
He adds that the burden placed on men in marriage, to provide, to lead, to carry the emotional and financial weight, is enormous. And yet very few people ask what the man needs in return. That silence, he argues, is part of what is pushing men away.
On the issue of men turning first dates into interviews, Jeff says it is very unhealthy. He says a relationship must begin from a place of connection, not assessment.
“Rapport means we are starting from ground zero,” he says. “We are open, and we want to know each other. I want to understand your needs, and I want you to understand mine.”
In his premarital counselling sessions, which he strongly recommends for anyone thinking about marriage, he assesses whether each partner can actually meet the other person’s needs. He says most people skip this step entirely and go straight into a marriage that is already cracked before it begins.
“Deal with the foundation before it cracks,” he says. “Because most of us are just dealing with the cracks of marriage.”
Brokeness and marriage
He also pushes back on the idea that men are just waiting until they have enough money to get married. He says that is not the real issue.
“It is a mindset thing,” he says. “Your mind has not manned up. I see people who start with literally nothing and build an empire. Mission comes first for a real man. And the right woman is the one who understands that his mission comes first and is here to support it.”
Jeff describes love as something that happens in stages. The first stage is where you love someone because you want something from them, whether that is physical or emotional. The second stage is where you have loved yourself enough that you can give love without being desperate for it in return. The third stage, which he says very few people actually reach, is unconditional love, where you give freely without any expectation.
Needy is creepy
He is against being needy when looking for love.
“Needy is creepy,” he says. “It doesn’t give us the best results. Go through coaching so that you can complete yourself first. Then we can talk about loving someone else.”
When it comes to men wanting to skip the boyfriend stage entirely, Jeff says he understands the instinct but pushes back on the rush.
“The ordinary man sees dating as a waste of time,” he says. “It favours the woman. But take your time. There's no need to rush. What are you rushing for? Ten years of court battles later, you will wish you had walked the journey first.”
He recommends that men not hide inside secret dating relationships. He says the men who date quietly, with no accountability to anyone around them, are the ones who end up hurting the most.
“They hurt in the dark.”
On the question of men who watched their parents' marriages fall apart and are now carrying that fear into their own adult lives, Jeff is compassionate but firm.
“Someone's experience doesn’t have to be your experience,” he says. “Most of us come from broken relationships and hurting parents. And that’s why like attracts like. If I am hurting, I attract a hurting person. And when you look at each other, it’s almost like you're playing the same script.”
He says the answer is for each person to walk their own healing journey before walking into a marriage. Both the man and the woman need to know what kind of relationship they are building toward, individually, before they try to build it together.
On the question of who is really holding things up, men or women, Jeff says the blame game itself is the problem.
“In the ideal relationship, both of you are 100 percent responsible,” he says. “When you do not need someone, that is when you are ready. That is when you are ready to give, to serve, to support.”
He says many people walk into marriage as halves, hoping the other person will complete them. That, in his view, is where things begin to go wrong.
On the belief that men do not lose value as they age and can therefore afford to wait as long as they want, Jeff says the cost is there, even if it is not always visible. He says nature may give men a biological advantage in terms of time, but wisdom means knowing what season of life you are in and what you want to produce in that season.
“It will cost the man his vision,” he says. “Are you true to your vision. What time do you have to raise a family? You are doing the math wrong.”
On the question of women who come into relationships ready to oppose and argue at every turn, Jeff says no man should have to put up with that, but he also says that a woman who constantly opposes is not strong. She is hurting.
“A true woman, when she finds the right man, is submissive,” he says. “But also, a man who does not want to be opposed must also be willing to lead. Women crave presence. You can see the toughest woman bow down to leadership.”
He says it is not the loudest man in the room who commands respect. It is the man with presence. The man who shows up fully and leads from within.
“It is not the organ that makes us men,” he says. “It is presence. And men need training on that. How do I show up? How do I lead?”
Jeff believes the conversation that both men and women are avoiding is a simple one. What is your vision? What do you need? And can we build something from that, together, without either of us disappearing in the process?
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