An open letter to… my lover’s wife

A few weeks back we featured letters from wives who wanted to unburden their grudges toward their husband’s mistresses. We got a lot of reactions—many of them varied. Mostly, they were in two camps—those who lauded the wives for being so brave, and those who scolded them for picking the wrong person to blame (their husband). 

Still, there are those who enthused that they needed to hear the ‘other woman’ side. After all, they have a write of reply in the exchange.  

We took the feedback graciously, and thought why not? 

Yes, true mistresses often get a bad rap. They’re usually thought of as being these horribly manipulative women who will stop at nothing to get the man that they want. Films have turned them into villains who have zero regard for the damage they are doing to the family of the man, and more often than not they’re portrayed as callous, ruthless, lazy, hungry for the ‘softlife’ and with bodies to die for. But the thing with stereotypes is that they aren’t always true.

According to Ann Ng’oi, a counselling psychologist, mistresses have always been viewed negatively and deprived of respect.

“Some people view them as sex objects for men and are held at the lowest place in society. Unfortunately, not all mistresses are evil, some may have been lied to that the wife does not exist while others are looking for better lives,” the therapist says.

So here is the truth from the horses’ mouths. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…. The Mistresses. 

‘He’s for the both of us and I will do all I can to protect your marriage’

Jane Njeri*, Beautician, late-20s

To my lover’s wife,

“The first thing I should do is apologise for ruining your trust in your husband which was so great until I came along. I am sorry for hurting you, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. 

But that’s not the purpose of this letter. There comes a time when an apology won’t do, but we want for answers to questions that we are too scared to ask. I think I owe that to you and to myself in a way. 

I met your husband back in 2016, at a friend’s party. He came on to me, and unfortunately, I didn’t turn him down as he pursued me. By then, you had travelled for work in Canada and he kept telling me that he was lonely and needed intimacy. I sympathised with him because it’s human to want to have sex. He just needed someone to fulfil his sex urges and I believe if you were around it would have been you. 

I understood it was convenient for him so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. I should have stopped after the second time where I visited your home in early 2017, but it became more than sex to me. I became so attached to him and I recall how I would accompany him to see your two teenage children at your parent’s house and he would leave me in the car. While in the car, I kept on asking myself, is it really fair to be an object for a man's satisfaction? Unfortunately, these thoughts didn’t stop me because I was already addicted to him. 

When you came back in 2020, I thought things would change but I was already pregnant with his baby. I was confused and honestly, didn’t want to raise my boy alone. Your husband still values me and we have a deep connection that makes me feel special. I blame you for travelling to work and leaving your husband burning with sexual passion. 

I have met you several times and it hurts me when he introduces me as a colleague. You are a calm and very intelligent woman and sometimes I wish you were around to satisfy his sex drive.

I know you are hurting as he spends nights with me and lies to you that he has travelled for work but honestly, I can’t apologise for being in love. I am drowned by my own infatuation that someone this amazing could love me. I wish he would make things clear to you and disclose our relationship and maybe the questions that you keep asking him like, ‘why have you changed nowadays? Why are you always traveling?’ would be answered. I’m sorry for causing you pain but I promise you I will not allow him to hurt you with another woman. He is for both of us and will do all I can to protect your 10-year-marriage.

Sincerely, 

Jane Njeri

‘I blame you for being disrespectful to your husband’

Ann Mwende *, Businesswoman in her mid-40s

Dear Memsahib,

“I am not apologetic for being with your husband. I met your husband three years ago when he was so stressed up and he kept on showing me the nasty messages you write to him when you have misunderstandings. I have always given him a shoulder to lean on and I am amazed that he is at peace since I met him. I have questions on why you neglect your wifely duties like cooking and ensuring your husband is neat all the time. Often, I prepare meals for him and last year I changed his wardrobe and you can testify that he looks different now. 

Yes, I know you. He showed me your photo and later I met you at his father's burial.

I felt so bad when he shared with me how you shout at him in front of your two daughters. At first, I thought it was a lie until I saw your firstborn text message apologising for your ill-treatment. I’m sorry to say, your daughters are more mature than you are. 

I often wonder, ‘Would you want your child to be mistreated by their spouse as you do to your husband?’ Certainly, not. 

While you keep nagging him with calls when we are having a good time, I ask this of you, which man would want to be with a woman who disrespects him? Trust me if you were a good woman I would never want to break your marriage of 12 years. But now, I believe I am helping your husband manage stress and give him the respect he deserves because he is a good and caring man. I love how he takes care of our one-year-old son. 

Though you are still staying together with him, things are not the same. He has confessed how he wants to leave you but for the sake of his daughters, he chooses to stay in the toxic marriage. I hope as you read this letter, you will open your eyes to see how blessed you are to have a caring man who has continuously supported your business which is why it’s doing so well.”

Best,

Ann Mwende

‘He lied that you don’t exist’

Caroline Atieno*, Banker in her late 30’s

Dear Goat wife,

“Things haven’t been easy since I discovered that you have been married to your husband for seven years. Though I have never met you in person, a close friend showed me your images after I disclosed to him the man I had been dating for the last one year, and shockingly, he was his classmate in high school. I have been hoping I would meet you and express my apologies but I don’t know what the outcome will be now that I’m two months pregnant.

I blame your husband for lying to me that you divorced two years ago. It pains me when I remember the promises he gave me when I told him that I am pregnant, “I will never make you regret meeting me,” he said. Now, all these are just mere words.

What hurts me is that my dalliance with your husband has destroyed your peace as I have been following you on Facebook and I see you sharing posts on the pain that most women face in marriage. I always think you are sharing your firsthand experience. I feel for you when I imagine how hard it is sleeping alone while we are having fun all night. At some point, I also blame myself for being too trusting. I recall many instances where he told me that his house has network issues and so I couldn't communicate with him till morning when he was off to work. Also, he convinced me not to go to his house as his children would question his moving on with another woman. No description can accurately portray the soul-wrenching pain and the torment of betrayal I feel now. I am planning on how I will tell him I no longer want our relationship to go on and I hope this decision will save your marriage. I know it will be hard raising the child alone but it's far much better than seeing you suffer. I wish you the best in your marriage. 

PS: I care.”

Best,

Caroline Atieno

“I was just as clueless as you”

Ann Fatuma*, Customer care representative in her early 30s

To my lover’s wife,

“I want you to know what I did wasn’t intentional. I’m not hoping for your compassion or understanding because you truly have every right to hate me. I never in my entire life thought I would become a mistress. My mother didn’t raise me this way and she kept on telling me “my daughter never make another woman cry as I do”. My parents split up when I was three due to infidelity on the part of my dad. It was painful for my mother and my three other siblings. The last thing I ever wanted to become was a home wrecker and unfortunately, that’s what I have become.

I met your husband three years ago through a mutual friend and all along he lied to me that his wife had died leaving behind three children aged between four and 12. In the first years of our dating, I kept on requesting him to introduce me to the children but he kept on telling me to allow them to process the grief. We had been spending most weekends travelling together and while he is at his home, he always tells me that he wants to rest and wouldn’t want the children to know he is dating. I really emphasized with him but little did I know all these were lies. There are countless times you called him and he lied to me that it's the house girl. I feel stupid now for accepting his lies because all along, my gut feeling told me he was lying.

Two months ago, I went through his phone and I was so shocked to see your texts complaining about how he had broken your wedding vows a decade ago. It was unbelievable. I called you and asked if you knew him and you disclosed that he is your husband and you shared your wedding photos. Since then, my heart has not been at peace and what hurts me so much is that after confronting him, he denied it and said you are just friends. I know you declined my request to meet but I hope you would consider it worthwhile, so that we can both face him. I am ready to leave him because I wouldn’t want to see another woman suffering like my mother did. I care and will do anything to see you two enjoying your marriage.”

Yours truly,

Ann Fatuma

‘I love how he spoils me’

Agnes Mwikali*, second-year University student in her early-20s

Dear goat wife,

“I am writing this letter to respond to questions that you keep on asking me via text ‘can’t you leave my husband alone? Are you not ashamed of dating a man of your father’s age?’ 

Now, this is easier said than done. I don’t blame you for asking such questions as my friends always laugh at me when we go on dates with my ‘mubaba’ who is in his late 50s. I don’t apologise for meeting your husband two years ago and I know in your 30-years of marriage you have daughters who are older than me. I would care less. 

To be honest, I love how your husband spoils me with gifts and money and I don’t have to hustle hard. Early this month, he bought me a car and this was the best way of celebrating my birthday. I don’t know what my future with him holds but I wouldn’t imagine dating a man of my age because I hate poverty and am not ready to waste time building a life with someone. I have plans of having a child with him which we earlier discussed with him and surprisingly, he is all for it. Though you have been threatening me with messages, of how you will teach me a lesson, I want you to know I am not ready to leave him. I hate how you keep on tracking him and sometimes visiting my neighborhood unnoticed.  I felt humiliated by you when you met me in a supermarket and started insulting me. Till now, I have never known how you knew me but I always guess you saw my profile photo on his phone and started tracking me.

I wish you would just relax because your husband is giving you everything. I look forward to investing every coin your husband is giving me because my parents are paying for my school fees. I will be loyal to him because he has given me the best life I could ever dream of. Though I don’t know how my father who is in his 50s will take this, I am planning to disclose it to my mother first and maybe she can tell my father later. I hope this letter will make you relax and stop tracking me.”

Best,

Agnes Mwikali

*Names have been changed

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