Childless by choice
Emma Wanjugu at her home at Kamariki Village in Nyeri County on September 8, 2020. She says she cannot have children because raising them is too much work.
What you need to know:
- It's hard for society to understand why a woman would want to be childfree by choice.
- Today, women in growing numbers, are questioning whether owning a uterus is a reason enough to have children.
- In most cultures, having a child is considered a mark of maturity.
I don't want to have children."
This kind of statement, especially coming from a woman, prompts total disbelief.
It's an enigma, Un-African, a sign of being selfish and a sociopath. "You will change your mind," is what Annah Rikadi, 37, is told often. Annah is adamant that she likes to take care of children from afar and has no biological wish to sire her own.
This deep-rooted belief came out a few weeks ago, in a social media post by Ndungu Nyoro, a philanthropist, who holds a love matchmaking day #wendowednesday.
"I would like to use your dating site to look for love. I have no desire for kids. I have never had the motherly instincts to raise them myself," read part of the message to Nyoro. "If you know a guy who doesn't want kids, direct him to me. There are zero such people on the ground," the message continued.
When the message was shared it sparked mixed reactions. Surprisingly, there were some women and men who expressed their desire not to have children just like her, others regretted having sired children, while a whole lot of comments castigated her as being a lost sheep.
"I have never understood why people attempt to deviate from the natural dimension. By the way, if you want to know you are making a wrong decision, comments will be like "as long as you are happy", "you are being you ", "it's perfectly normal or it's okay not to be okay". Phrases to encourage you to fall into a bottomless pit," read a comment from a woman.
Childfree by choice
It's hard for society to understand why a woman would want to be childfree by choice. Despite being confident in their decision, childfree women are constantly undermined by society's inability to separate women and motherhood.
In 2018, celebrity actress Jennifer Aniston made news when she clapped back at a radically crude assumption commonly made of her when she declared, "I don't feel a void. I really don't. The misconceptions were that Jen refuses to have a baby because she's selfish and committed to her career. "Or that I'm sad and heartbroken." The Golden Globe Award winner continued, "There is a pressure on women to be mothers, and if they are not, then they are deemed damaged goods. Maybe my purpose on this planet isn't to procreate. Maybe I have other things I'm supposed to do," she shared.
Today, women in growing numbers, are questioning whether owning a uterus is a reason enough to have children. In recent times, many countries, including Kenya has witnessed a significant increase in the number of women who voluntarily do not want to reproduce. This personal yet widespread resolution has gained so much track that we now have a movement #childfree movement.
"Childfree but not a Child hater," reads a banner in a Facebook group, Childfree Choice Kenya. Still, many women who share the sentiment, are afraid to come out fearing society's condemnation. Many of the women we approached, did not want to be quoted, despite their declarations that would want to be childfree.
Hate children
"The misconception is that you hate children, you fear birth and the responsibility of raising kids, you have a reproductive problem or maybe you are a lesbian," Annah, who confesses to being a great aunt to her nieces and nephews, says.
What of marriage?
Research done by the United Nations Data Collections Program predicts that within the next 100 years, the number of live births per woman is bound to drop from its current four to just one.
While there aren't any demographic figures on marriages under voluntary childless conditions in Kenya (despite the said option being a significant aspect of marriage) a 2015 report by the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey found that that 10 percent of marriages that reproduced did not want children, and 50 percent of all Kenyan married couples do not want any more children.
Sarah Wanjiru has been married for the last eleven years and introduces herself as a mother to two cats. "At my engagement, I remember how friends and relatives dotted on us saying how we would become great parents. Unbeknownst to them, we had no plans to have children," says Wanjiru.
Four years into the marriage, the mood shifted around them. "Instead of questions, we received sorry looks and underhanded recommendations on IVF. It only gets worse as time goes by but we still haven't thought to address them except to a select few, it's really not their business."
Childless couples tend to be more educated, employed in professional /managerial occupations, and live in urban areas with relatively high incomes, studies show. These couples are also less religious, more compassionate, and often do not subscribe to traditional gender roles.
In most cultures, having a child is considered a mark of maturity. In other words, women who refuse to reproduce are seen as not wanting to "grow up."
Such is the case for Mary Mwikali, a businesswoman who is at odds with her family's attitude towards her life choices, "I find it hard to build the connection between my decision not to have children and my family's perceptions." Mary confesses that she is excluded from major family decisions and meetings for the same reasons. "My family still considers me incapable of making wise decisions, over self-indulgent, and conceited. I rarely go home," the 43-year-old, says.
Mary confesses that she loves children. "I love children. I frequently make donations to children's homes because of their well-being matters to me. Also, I have a rich dating life," she says.
No maternal feeling
Wendy Nyaboke, 33, says she never developed maternal feelings. "I was never good with children. I never felt the maternal urge, in any way. Somehow, I expected the feeling to manifest over time. It did not," Wendy says.
Instead, at the height of her career, Wendy found herself in the clutches of a busy work-life. "Some quarters believe childless career women don't have children because they are sad workaholics, but that is not the case," Wendy, says.
In her book, "Pride and Joy", Terry Casey, a 44-year-old freelance journalist and a confessed "non-rearer" interviewed 50 of the same gamut and revealed that "When you tell people that you don't want children, it sparks disdain and most quarters think that something is wrong with you. "People just want to look for a pathology and find out what went wrong."
What now?
Women are now more than ever choosing to live childfree. Many are often told that they will regret their decision when they are older—and they are tired of hearing it.
An anonymous 85-year-old widow took to Reddit, a social media platform on the r/childfree forum to disprove naysayers once and for all. In the post, she wrote, "I was married for just over 50 years. We bucked the norm and did not want kids. In those days we said 'we are trying' then 'we cannot have kids'." The woman proclaimed, "Being childfree means this; my life was never defined by kids." She lost her husband a decade ago but it seems her decision not to have children allowed her freedom and happiness that her friends with children could not know. She continued "I had a strong network of friends and so many hobbies. I was able to move forward. Life goes on and I have a full and happy life and a new partner."
Whether society is ready, for women to own their ovaries, is still a matter of debate.
